FOBs 101

What you need to know about FOBs

The FOB (plural FOBs), known taxonomically as Fobo sapien, is a mammal which comprises the Fobbae family. Predominantly originating from Asia, the modern day FOB typically resides in North America, Australia, and certain parts of Western Europe.

FOBs are an industrious people that are highly adept at using simple tools found in their natural habitat. Some notable examples include: using tape to affix phone numbers onto a programmable phone, gluing cardboard onto magnets so they don’t mark-up the fridge, using chop sticks to cram frozen juice down a funnel, stuffing an old shirt into a crack on the porch to prevent small objects from falling in, converting old boxes into handy storage units for junk, and using Saran-wrap/Ziploc bags to protect household items.

The FOB diet mostly consists of rice, noodles, freezer burnt ham from 1997, and various over-ripe fruits and vegetables. FOBs do not typically hunt in packs but they often rely on their children to text them grocery lists. Reports of adult FOBs consuming Pocky and bubble tea are unconfirmed.

In their natural habitat, FOBs are most comfortable wearing slippers and vests, and enjoy watching American Idol. Failing to PVR an episode of American Idol on behalf of an elderly FOB is considered an insult of the highest order in FOB culture.

FOBs have been noted to exhibit the following innate behaviors:

·         Criticizing  their children for spending too much money

·         Driving slowly

·         Bringing their own candy to the movie theatres

·         Always snooping on their kids

·         Never appreciating birthday presents

·         Pressuring their children to become doctors, lawyers and engineers

·         Never wanting to throw anything away

·         Collecting elastics

·         Keeping slippers in every corner of the house

·         Not allowing their children to date

·         Assuming their children are hanging out with drug dealers and/or rapists

·         Not believing in sleepovers

·         Always providing opinions on restaurant food

·         Not accepting anything less than straight As

·         Always concerned about the level of gas in the car

·         Telling you your fat

·         Forcing you to eat

Generally, FOBs have a friendly disposition and can be approached without concern… unless you are trying to date their daughter.