This is just a funny video I saw on Tosh.0. It's sort of related to asians. The little ones in particular.
I hope everyone had a Happy Canada Day!
Monday, 2 July 2012
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Gravel Road Blues
I don't much care for the great outdoors. I've been that way ever since I can remember.
Nevertheless, when I was a kid, my parents somehow managed to ship me off to summer camp every year, despite my ever-persistent objection.
I would tell my parents I didn't like the food; I didn't like the bugs; I got diarrhea last time. I told them about the mean kids from the year before who teased me about being short. I told them about the time I peed my pants because the outhouses were locked at night. But did they hear me out? Not a chance!
Every year I got the same patronizing speech about how it was "every child's dream" to go to summer camp, and that I should be "grateful" for the opportunity to sleep in a dirty log cabin with ten other prepubescent girls.
Needless to say, the drive down to camp became somewhat of a dark harbinger in my otherwise happy childhood. Though, one year in particular proved to be quite eventful.
My mother and I were driving down the gravel road that led up to my summer camp. We were in the final leg of our journey when, all of the sudden, we spun out in our little Acura and drove right into the ditch. We were fine but my mom was quite rattled.
Unfortunately, we made it to the hell-hole which I call summer camp, and my mother told me to try and enjoy myself.
After what seemed like an eternity, summer camp was over and my mom was back to pick me up. I eagerly hopped into the front seat of our car and the following conversation ensued:
Mom: Erin, go sit in the back.
Me: Ok
Mom: Here is a pillow for you
Me: Thanks.
At this point, I just thought my mother was being uncharacteristically considerate, and was encouraging me to take a nap on our drive home...
Mom: If we get into another car accident, take the pillow and put it around your head!
Nevertheless, when I was a kid, my parents somehow managed to ship me off to summer camp every year, despite my ever-persistent objection.
I would tell my parents I didn't like the food; I didn't like the bugs; I got diarrhea last time. I told them about the mean kids from the year before who teased me about being short. I told them about the time I peed my pants because the outhouses were locked at night. But did they hear me out? Not a chance!
Every year I got the same patronizing speech about how it was "every child's dream" to go to summer camp, and that I should be "grateful" for the opportunity to sleep in a dirty log cabin with ten other prepubescent girls.
Needless to say, the drive down to camp became somewhat of a dark harbinger in my otherwise happy childhood. Though, one year in particular proved to be quite eventful.
My mother and I were driving down the gravel road that led up to my summer camp. We were in the final leg of our journey when, all of the sudden, we spun out in our little Acura and drove right into the ditch. We were fine but my mom was quite rattled.
Unfortunately, we made it to the hell-hole which I call summer camp, and my mother told me to try and enjoy myself.
After what seemed like an eternity, summer camp was over and my mom was back to pick me up. I eagerly hopped into the front seat of our car and the following conversation ensued:
Mom: Erin, go sit in the back.
Me: Ok
Mom: Here is a pillow for you
Me: Thanks.
At this point, I just thought my mother was being uncharacteristically considerate, and was encouraging me to take a nap on our drive home...
Mom: If we get into another car accident, take the pillow and put it around your head!
Aaah... now there's the mother I remember!
Monday, 25 June 2012
Fat Booth
Here is a picture of my mom from fat booth:
When I showed her she was like "Hahaha! I look like Professor Nutty!"
Friday, 22 June 2012
Which Church?
My mom really likes to stock up on cold weather wear like mittens, jackets, tuques and scarves. I guess this would've worked with three young children in the house, but now that we're all grown we tend just to buy our own stuff. Still, my mom has yet to curb her habit of jumping on winter sales whenever she sees 'em.
Every now and again, my siblings and I secretly comb through the stash of unworn winter wear and donate selected items behind our mother's back. Up until recently, my mom was completely in the dark about our back door charity op.
One day I was bugging my mom about a box of shoes in the garage which she refused to get rid of.
Me: Mom, you clearly don't wear any of these shoes, so you either need to donate them, or stop buying new shoes.
Mom: I will wear them one day!
Me: No you won't! They've been in the garage for 5 years! I bet you don't even know what's in there, and you wouldn't even notice if I got rid of them and never told you!
Mom: Yes I would notice! I know what is in my house and I know what belongs to me!
Me: Well you certainly didn't notice the big donation of gloves and tuques we made!
Mom: WHAT?!?!? WHAT DID YOU GIVE AWAY?!?!?!?
Me: See, you don't even know what went missing! Proof that it's better off being used by someone else!
Mom: WHERE DID YOU GIVE ALL OUR STUFF?!?!?
I didn't want to tell my mom we had made the donation to Goodwill because one time she literally made us go back to Goodwill to retrieve a previously donated item.... I know right?!
I thought that lying to her would be the best way to keep her from wanting to get her stuff back.
Me: I donated them to a church.
Mom: *fuming* ....... WHICH. CHURCH.
Every now and again, my siblings and I secretly comb through the stash of unworn winter wear and donate selected items behind our mother's back. Up until recently, my mom was completely in the dark about our back door charity op.
One day I was bugging my mom about a box of shoes in the garage which she refused to get rid of.
Me: Mom, you clearly don't wear any of these shoes, so you either need to donate them, or stop buying new shoes.
Mom: I will wear them one day!
Me: No you won't! They've been in the garage for 5 years! I bet you don't even know what's in there, and you wouldn't even notice if I got rid of them and never told you!
Mom: Yes I would notice! I know what is in my house and I know what belongs to me!
Me: Well you certainly didn't notice the big donation of gloves and tuques we made!
Mom: WHAT?!?!? WHAT DID YOU GIVE AWAY?!?!?!?
Me: See, you don't even know what went missing! Proof that it's better off being used by someone else!
Mom: WHERE DID YOU GIVE ALL OUR STUFF?!?!?
I didn't want to tell my mom we had made the donation to Goodwill because one time she literally made us go back to Goodwill to retrieve a previously donated item.... I know right?!
I thought that lying to her would be the best way to keep her from wanting to get her stuff back.
Me: I donated them to a church.
Mom: *fuming* ....... WHICH. CHURCH.
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Fobby Food
This post is a compilation of a few stories about my mom's special relationship with food.
Two Pots of Rice:
If you were to walk into my parents' house right this very instant, you would see two pots of rice on the stove; an old pot and a fresh pot. The old pot is typically whatever didn't get eaten the day before, or the day before that. The fresh pot is usually no more than a day old.
Since the "two pot" phenomenon arose as a result of my mom's inability to throw away food, she is solely responsible for eating the old rice, and is strictly forbidden from eating the fresh rice.
However, every now and again we catch her trying to sneak the old rice into my dad's lunch. Nice try, buster!
Mommy's Ham:
Old rice isn't the only thing my mom sneaks into my dad's diet. One time, she was making macaroni and cheese for herself and my father. She cut up some of "her ham" and deliberately mixed it in with the macaroni and served some to my dad.
After a couple hours, my dad started to feel a little sick. It didn't take long before the hints of indigestion turned into a full blown gwai lo diarrhea attack!
We busted our mom for sneaking her rotten ham into my dad's macaroni, but ultimately it was my dad who paid the price.
Digging into the Archives:
A couple of years ago my family and I were "de-frogging" our freezer and as we were emptying its contents we found some meats in there from the late 90s.
Still, she wasn't going down without a fight. My little brother had to literally restrain our 95 lb mother as my sister and I chucked the frozen meat. Sorry mom :)
Two Pots of Rice:
If you were to walk into my parents' house right this very instant, you would see two pots of rice on the stove; an old pot and a fresh pot. The old pot is typically whatever didn't get eaten the day before, or the day before that. The fresh pot is usually no more than a day old.
Since the "two pot" phenomenon arose as a result of my mom's inability to throw away food, she is solely responsible for eating the old rice, and is strictly forbidden from eating the fresh rice.
However, every now and again we catch her trying to sneak the old rice into my dad's lunch. Nice try, buster!
Mommy's Ham:
Old rice isn't the only thing my mom sneaks into my dad's diet. One time, she was making macaroni and cheese for herself and my father. She cut up some of "her ham" and deliberately mixed it in with the macaroni and served some to my dad.
After a couple hours, my dad started to feel a little sick. It didn't take long before the hints of indigestion turned into a full blown gwai lo diarrhea attack!
We busted our mom for sneaking her rotten ham into my dad's macaroni, but ultimately it was my dad who paid the price.
Digging into the Archives:
A couple of years ago my family and I were "de-frogging" our freezer and as we were emptying its contents we found some meats in there from the late 90s.
As we began tossing the ancient meat, my mom began her full-scale fob protest.
Despite the fact that my mom could probably pound back a few 15 year old bison burgers without even triggering her gag reflex, we had a sneaking suspicion that the old meat would probably just get forgotten in the freezer for another 15 years. So we decided to put our foot down and stand up to our little mother.
Still, she wasn't going down without a fight. My little brother had to literally restrain our 95 lb mother as my sister and I chucked the frozen meat. Sorry mom :)
My mom's prefered use of free return address labels
Click on the picture to read what she wrote!
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Do You Have a Fob in the House?
Do you think you have a fob living in your house? Are you unsure? How would you know if you did?
In today's post I will be helping you identify some key signs that you may have a fob living in your midst. I have taken pictures from inside a REAL fob habitat to help you know what to look for.
1.
Let's start with an obvious one: the T&T plastic grocery bags. If you see lots of these mofos around the house, chances are you've got a fob on your hands.
2.
Thousand Year Old Duck Eggs. No fob household goes without.
3.
Unnecessary note indicating whether the dishwasher has been run, which is always left on the fridge.
4.
Plentiful Tsu Tsing Yat Ding or Gong Jai Mein.
5.
Bamboo shoots and what appears to be canned shrimp.
6.
An entire closet full of school supplies. A lifetime of school supplies can come in handy... NEVER.
7.
Shit-packed freezer. It is important for fobs to keep freezer burnt ham at the bottom of the freezer so he/she can reach the items at the top.
8.
Box of receipts. To be kept, but never to be touched.
9.
Miss-matched bedding. Who needs matching bedding? Everything in a fob household stays in-style FOREVER!
10.
Nowhere to sit. Junk is too important.
11.
Various assortment of junk on the bedside table. Notice the SanDisk and miscellany in the ziploc bag, the no-name ointment, and the hello kitty drawstring bag.
12.
A shit-packed armoir / A sweater for any occasion.
13.
An easter basket holding a lampshade.... or is it a lampshade holding an easter basket?
14.
The ever important Susan Boyle CD.
15.
Rubber bands where you'd least expect...
16.
"Mom, where did I leave the nail clippers, multi-colour ballpoint pen,
broken pencil and miniature screw-driver?"
"Did you check in the crystal swan????"
"Oh right! DUH!"
17.
Corner clutter. A fob household with clutter pushed into the corner or stacked in piles
against the wall is a tidy fob household indeed.
18.
Slippers.
19.
Slippers....
20.
Slippers....
21.
And more slippers....
22.
Other people's slippers...
23.
Oh and if none of those were a dead giveaway, the crazy lady stirring the Crystal Light in a Campbells soup mug with a chopstick calling you an "IDIOT" will do the trick.
Saturday, 16 June 2012
The Library Fiasco
My sister needed a ride home from the library one day, but instead of taking public transit my mom insisted on picking her up on the way home from work. I guess my mom ran into a little bit of trouble in the parking lot once she got there.
Mom: I think something is wrong with the tire. Check the back wheels.
Sister: It looks like you have a flat tire.
Mom: WHY DIDN'T YOU GET YOUR STUPID BROTHER TO PICK YOU UP FROM THE LIBRARY!?!?!
Sister: What happened???
Mom: I RAN OVER A CURB, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!
Sister: I didn't know you were going to get a flat tire!
Mom: WHERE IS YOUR STUPID BROTHER?!!?!?!?
Mom: I think something is wrong with the tire. Check the back wheels.
Sister: It looks like you have a flat tire.
Mom: WHY DIDN'T YOU GET YOUR STUPID BROTHER TO PICK YOU UP FROM THE LIBRARY!?!?!
Sister: What happened???
Mom: I RAN OVER A CURB, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!
Sister: I didn't know you were going to get a flat tire!
Mom: WHERE IS YOUR STUPID BROTHER?!!?!?!?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)