Sometimes my Uncle is a Fob

We had my out-of-town uncle over for thanksgiving and he was entertaining us with some stories from his recent trip to China. Apparently, some of the gwai los on his trip fell victim to pick-pockets while he avoided being swindled due to his heightened alertness. In typical fob fashion, he started to give us young folk tips on how to travel safely and protect ourselves from bad people. He went on to describe how nowadays the Chinese thieves are using tongs to reach into your pockets to steal your wallet and/or cigarettes so we need to keep all our valuables hidden inside our vests. He even gave us a straight-up Zorro-style demonstration using the tongs he grabbed out of the vegetable bowl on the dinner table.

Not to be outdone by my uncle's clear fob supremacy, my mother proudly announced that she too is a very clever traveler by exclaiming "I told ga jie to buy a decoy wallet from the dollar store to put above her real wallet!"

http://skinnygirlsandmayo.com/2012/01/27/good-gadget-bad-gadget-pt-v/

Nicely done, One-uppington!

Disney's Hiring Policy

My parents just came back from a Disneyland vacation and my mom was telling us some stories from their trip.

Mom: Hey Dad, remember when we were at the Star Wars line and the Chinese worker came out and he kep' sayin' "FORM TWO LINE! FORM TWO LINE!" but I guess nobody could understand him but me! That's why I stand next to you. I think I was the only other Chinese person there. You white people didn't know what to do HAHAH!

Dad: Well I couldn't really make out was he was saying so I just ignored him.


Mom: I was actually surprised to see a Chinese operator in the park. Usually Disney is pretty good about only hiring white people.

Oh she is SO not hired

My Husband on "The Bachelor"

For those of you ladies who forced your man to watch the season finale of The Bachelor, know that you are not alone.

When I was watching the season finale with my gwai lo husband, this is what he had to say about Sean's choice of Catherine over Lindsay:

"So he chose the asian one... RUN SEAN! RUUUUUUUUN!!!!"

http://www.digitalspy.com/tv/s77/the-bachelor/news/a460285/bachelor-sean-lowe-on-catherine-doubts-wish-she-shared-her-dreams.html

Staying True to My People

Today's post is about yours truly. Enjoy!

Me 'n my gwai lo husband were shopping for noodles at Safeway...

Husband: Should we stay true to your people and get the Ichiban brand?

Me: Number 1: I'm not Japanese. Number 2: If we are staying true to my people we are buying the Safeway brand because it's the cheapest per gram.

If you want to try and convince a Chinese person to spend 9 cents more for a brand name... be my guest.

New Wok

A couple of years ago when I was moving out of my parents' house, I asked my mom where I should go to buy a good wok. My mom couldn't remember where she got her crusty old wok from, so she said she'd ask my grandma for a good place to look.

In my mind, I was almost certain my grandma would recommend some "best kept secret" type place in Chinatown that only super legit Chinese people would know about. So naturally, I would become super cool and legit once I got my hands on one of their woks.

Suddenly, I was starting to get very excited to hear of this secret shop where, surely, no gwai los have been before.

After my mom had spoken to my grandma, I was eager to get the lowdown on the sweet spot:

Mom: I talk to por por about where to buy a good wok.

Me: And? Where did she say to go?

Mom: Por por says Zellers is really good for woks!

Me: Oh....

For those of you non-Canadian readers, Zellers is a large discount store like Wal-mart.

So now I guess the ancient Chinese secret is out for all to know!

http://lizetfrijters.blogspot.ca/2010_04_01_archive.html

Fobby Food

This post is a compilation of a few stories about my mom's special relationship with food.

Two Pots of Rice:

If you were to walk into my parents' house right this very instant, you would see two pots of rice on the stove; an old pot and a fresh pot. The old pot is typically whatever didn't get eaten the day before, or the day before that. The fresh pot is usually no more than a day old.

Since the "two pot" phenomenon arose as a result of my mom's inability to throw away food, she is solely responsible for eating the old rice, and is strictly forbidden from eating the fresh rice.

However, every now and again we catch her trying to sneak the old rice into my dad's lunch. Nice try, buster!


Mommy's Ham:

Old rice isn't the only thing my mom sneaks into my dad's diet. One time, she was making macaroni and cheese for herself and my father. She cut up some of "her ham" and deliberately mixed it in with the macaroni and served some to my dad.

After a couple hours, my dad started to feel a little sick. It didn't take long before the hints of indigestion turned into a full blown gwai lo diarrhea attack!

We busted our mom for sneaking her rotten ham into my dad's macaroni, but ultimately it was my dad who paid the price.


Digging into the Archives:

A couple of years ago my family and I were "de-frogging" our freezer and as we were emptying its contents we found some meats in there from the late 90s.

As we began tossing the ancient meat, my mom began her full-scale fob protest.

Despite the fact that my mom could probably pound back a few 15 year old bison burgers without even triggering her gag reflex, we had a sneaking suspicion that the old meat would probably just get forgotten in the freezer for another 15 years. So we decided to put our foot down and stand up to our little mother.

Still, she wasn't going down without a fight. My little brother had to literally restrain our 95 lb mother as my sister and I chucked the frozen meat. Sorry mom :)

My mom's prefered use of free return address labels

Click on the picture to read what she wrote!

The Honorary Asians

This post is both about my stupid husband and my fobby mom.

Part 1: Since I am a half-breed, I’ve always had a “white grandma” and a “chinese grandma”.

One day I was explaining to some friends how Mark’s grandmother is a fraternal twin. He then interrupted me with a confused look on his face.

Mark: What? My grandma is not a twin!?!?”

Me: Yes she is. Your grandma Cook had a fraternal twin sister.

Mark: OOOOH you’re talking about my WHITE grandma.

Me: Mark, you are white. BOTH of your grandmas are white.

Mark: Oh right.

I guess he considers himself to be a half-breed now too. Actually, Mark is kind of an honorary Chinese person anyways since he's been accepted into the family.

Part 2: My dad is an honorary asian too!

The following conversation begins with my mom telling my little brother how proud she is of herself for raising him:

Mom: You turn out so good because of your asian parents haha!

Brother: Right… except for that dad is white.

Mom: No, he is asian because he is smart. Smart enough not to get in my way hahaha!

http://www.kawaiikakkoiisugoi.com/2011/10/18/saturday-night-lives-j-pop-skit-funny-or-too-much/