My Porish Guy

I hope everyone had a nice Victoria Day long weekend! I know I sure did.

Anyways, let's shake off the cob webs with a fob memory.

When I first started dating my now husband, my mom was asking me some questions to try and fulfill her daily quota of snoopiness. "Where does he live? Where did you meet? How old is he? What do his parents do? Does he have a car?"

I'm used to the 20 questions, but I could not help but laugh at my fobby mom when she asked me one question in particular...

Mom: What's his last name?

Me: Gawlinski

Mom: How do you spell? G-O-R...

Me: Hahaha oh dear god.


Not only did my mom fulfill her quota for snoopiness, but she also fulfilled her quota for reaffirming fob stereotypes. Although, I'm sure Gorinski is a wonderful polish name.

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Dollarama-rama!

I love Christmas. Like any other materialistic North American, I love most everything about Christmas. I love the stupid decorations, the movies on TV, the snow, the family traditions, the food. I love it all. Now some of you may be thinking "she forgot to mention presents". Well you see, around my house my mom never over-exerted herself in the presents department. I'm not saying I feel like I missed out or that I'm not grateful for the presents I did receive, but I definitely don't consider the gift-exchange to be a highlight of my Holiday season. Even Santa was never really a big part of the appeal of Christmas. My mom never really put a lot of effort into the whole "Santa is real" thing.

One time when I was about 7 or so, I asked my mom straight up if Santa was real. I'd heard on the playground from an older kid that Santa was a sham. Instead of dispelling my doubts, my loving mother didn't even flinch when she replied "Nope". Don't feel bad though. I had already questioned his existence when my mom told me that Santa comes into our house at night through the furnace.

Anyways, as I've mentioned before my mom kind of sucks at the giving/receiving of gifts in the proper North American sense. You would think that her natural aversion to gifts would make her shy away from the concept of stocking stuffers, but surprisingly my mom has fully embraced the idea. Stocking stuffers were never a childhood staple of mine, but when she discovered the concept a few years ago she was hooked! I guess it mixes her love for tiny articles of miscellaneous junk with her love for stowing items in inappropriate containers.

Last Christmas, my mom proudly presented her children with the stocking stuffers she had lovingly prepared. She watched as I began to dig out the contents of my stocking:

 Me: Oooh... lip balm...

Mom: I got that from Dollarama

Me: ... and a giant candy cane...

Mom: I got that from Dollarama too.

Me: Mom, why did you cut out the corners of the packing where it clearly says "DOLLARAMA" judging from the remaining halves of the letters? You're telling us you got bought 'em from Dollarama anyways.

Mom: Because, Erin! I don't want you to see the price!

Me: But isn't everything at the dollar store a dollar?

Mom: NO! Now things is TWO dollars!

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My mom has yet to master the concept of concealing the price of a gift.

Like We'd Eat That

Check out the container of food my mom has labeled as her own. I guess she's just being proactive about preventing her children from stealing her delicious tripe!

She even disguised her tripe by putting it in a container of blueberry yogurt. Clever! And is that... painter's tape? How resourceful!

T.A.S.

My mom, like many fob mothers out there, suffers from an affliction known in the medical community as TAS or "Tiny Asian Syndrome". As of now, there is no known cure for TAS, and doctors have only recently been able to understand and diagnose it. However, new research has been shining some light onto the previously unknown condition. Below is a list of characteristics used to diagnose patients with TAS:

• Subject weighs no more than 100 lbs
• Wears shoes with thick soles to increase height
• Has a tiny back-pack or sling purse to appear relatively larger
• Uses a change purse to carry coins and rolled up bills due to overcrowded wallet
• Only understands shame in the context of their children embarrassing them, not the other way around.
• Wears glasses/uses clip-ons
• Wears a vest all year round for reasons unknown to humanity
• Speaks loudly and has no indoor-voice
• Has long, stabby nails

As stated previously, the distinguishing vest continues to perplex scientists around the world. There is some speculation that fobs suffering from TAS have cold bodies and hot arms, but this has yet to be substantiated through research.

If you would like more information on TAS, please call the TAS hotline at 1-800-YOU-RTINY.

Pictured above is a subject with full-blown T.A.S.

Innovative Ketchup Bottle

My mom is a part-time inventor. Yesterday when I was over at the house for mother's day, I saw that she had she come up with a unique ketchup bottle design.

If she markets it correctly she could make millions!

Fob Roll

My mom was on fire last night at dinner. Here are some random highlights from the conversations we had:

Me: Mom, where did you get this shrimp from?

Mom: Ginatown

Me: Ginatown? Hahaha!

Mom: Yeah, that's what it's called.

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Me: What kind of animal is in lap cheong?

Mom: Some is chickens and some is porks. Some is lambs.

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Me: Are you thinking about going on an Alaskan Cruise?

Mom: I'd rather be on a Herwaiian Cruise

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My mom was starting to feel full...

Mom: I'm stuff!

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Mom: By all means! Fill your nuts! I mean your boots!

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My sister went into the kitchen and you could hear that she dropped something. My mom proceeded to freak out before she even knew what was going on.

Mom: COLLEEN! ARE YOU BREAKING... some STUFF?!?!?!?

I Don't Want to Turn Around!

We all know my mom can be quite the confusing lady. The other day during a family dinner, my mom was looking at an old family photo from before my sister was born. She turned to my sister and looked her straight in the eye.

Mom: You were about 27 then, right?

Sister: What? I'm not even in that picture, and I'm not even 27 yet.

Mom: Not you, you idiot! Your dad!

Sister: Haha but you were looking straight at me!

Mom: Yeah but I was talkin' to your dad!

Sister: Then why didn't you look at dad?

Mom: Because he's standing behind me! I don't want to turn all the way around!

http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2012/01/jaw-clenching-acupressure-and-one-of-the-strangest-experiences-ive-ever-had.html