Crimestopper Mom

Last Labour Day long weekend my sister arose to a frightening scene at the fob-household.

Her bedroom just so happens to be right above the garage, and this particular night she was awoken by the sound of the garage door opening. Being half-asleep, she didn't really realize that everyone in the household was accounted for and therefore no one should be coming in at this hour.

Moments later she heard my mom screaming "HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???"

Now fully awake, my sister peered out her bedroom window to see a man riding off on a bicycle. A couple of seconds later, she saw my mother pull out of the garage behind him in hot pursuit.

Panicking, my sister ran downstairs to wake our little brother. "Wang, wake up! I think someone was in the garage and now mom is gone!"

They ran upstairs to survey the state of the garage. Nothing seemed to be missing other than the car my mom was undoubtedly using to commit vehicular homicide right that very second.

They waited up for a few minutes, and finally my mom drove back into the cul-de-sac.

Sister: What happened???

Mom: He got away. He was trying to steal from the car but I scared him!

Sister: What did he look like?

Mom: Some white guy. Late 20s? He was riding very causally until he realize I was chasing him! He tried to lose me but I kep’ chasing him!

Sister: Did you hit him?

Mom: No, I wanted to! But I don't want to go to jail so I let him get away. I think I made him shit his pants though!

Soon after the three of them began taking an inventory of the garage, and the contents of all the cars. They noticed that the garage door clicker in my brother's car was missing, so my brother had obviously left his doors unlocked on the driveway, giving the burglar a free pass into the garage.

The thief had managed to steal an empty Elton John CD case, but he left my brother's Monster cable still plugged into the cigarette lighter. This burglar obviously knew what he was doing.

We later discovered that he had also stolen a pair of $10 sunglasses. Our house must’ve been a big pay day for him!

Anyways, my siblings headed back to their bedrooms to try to fall back asleep. My mom on the other hand, stayed up an extra HOUR staked-out at the front window waiting to see if the perp would return… as if her police style chase down wasn't enough.

Nice one mom!

http://neighborhoodwatchalert.blogspot.ca/

Linked In

Ok so this post is really immature and has nothing to do with fobs, but when I saw this I laughed JUST a gigglebyte.

I was searching for someone on Linkedin, and noticed the odd example name used below the search bars:

I know... low brow! But what can I say? I'm easily amused!

And I know that it's pronounced "whiner", but I'm still the type of person who hears "your anus" in my head every time I read "Uranus".

Let Us Out!

This is a tale of a family vacation gone WRONG.

This past winter, my parents and siblings went on a family vacay to Florida to visit family and go to Disney World. I didn't go because I was smart enough to opt out of this disaster-in-the-making. In fact, the last family holiday I participated in was when I was twelve! Wow... I must've been a fast learner! My intellectually inferior siblings, however, were really looking forward to getting away and seeing some sites.

One of the days they were there, it was decided that my dad and brother were going to walk on the beach while my mom and sister did some shopping. They pulled up to the beach in their rental Jetta where my dad and brother quickly hopped out, but my sister and mother were still in the car collecting their things.

My dad likes to do this thing where he locks the car door if he thinks you're dilly dallying. It's his grumpy old way to protest such flagrant dillery and dallery. We are all very familiar with this grumpy behaviour, and you would think that my mom would know this all too well having been married to the guy for 26 years.

However, mere milliseconds after hearing the car doors *click* my mom began freaking out and pounding on the windows yelling "LET US OUT!!!!!!! LET US OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!"

Obviously the simple solution of unlocking the doors eluded her.

In utter shock, my sister could not help but watch as my mother quickly caught the attention of passersby walking along the beach. I don't really know what they would've made of a tiny asian lady clawing for her life inside a shiny new Jetta.

While trying to hide her face, my sister saw my dad approaching out of the corner of her eye. Surely our beloved mother would "clam" down since her captor was returning to release her from her vehicular confinement. But against all rational though, she instead proceeded to yell at my dad in front of the crowd of people now gathered around the car. "WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU DOING??!?!?!?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US??!!?!? YOU WERE GONNA SUFFOCATE US!!!!!!!!!"

I guess when my mom was freed the thought never occurred to her that she should probably be slightly embarrassed that she didn't think to unlock the door and let herself out. No… it just made more sense to rage in public.

At that moment, my little brother knew full-well that it was not going to be a good day, so he just kept on a-walkin' down the street to make sure he wasn't seen with our dysfunctional family unit.

Embarrassment is a common theme in mine and my siblings’ lives, but it’s all worth it in the end. Especially when we can make fun of our mom for getting locked in a car, and fighting desperately to save her and her daughter from imminent doom!

http://tomandemma.wordpress.com/2009/06/17/trapped/nightmare-on-elm-street-car-small/

Average Asian Aging

Someone showed this to me over the weekend. It's so true!

http://wtfoodge.com/average-asian-woman-aging-process/

I hope my asian genes keep me good till menopause. However, I must admit I'm looking forward to the permed hair, fleece jacket and wheelie grocery bag!

Not too long ago, my mom did her after-degree in Education, and her practicum was with a grade 1 class. One of the little girls in the class invited my mom to her birthday party, and this is what my mom had to say:

Mom: Oh thank you for inviting me, but I think you should invite kids your own age.

Girl: You're right. You're really old.

Mom: *mildly offended* Well how old do you think I am?

Girl: I don't know... about Sixteen?

My mom definitely doesn't look 16, but that still made her day.

Elevator Puke

One of my earliest memories takes me back to one particular Halloween at day care. I remember stealing candy from the other kids at the day care and eating myself into a sucrose coma. The day care ladies had to set me up with a blue mat in the corner of the room because I was so incapacitated.

Later on that day my mom came to pick me up but she needed to go back into the office for something. When we got to the elevator in her building I remember telling her that I didn't want to go inside because I felt like I was going to puke. My mom quickly dismissed my warning and yanked me into the elevator where I proceeded to puke my guts out as soon as the elevator started its ascent.

Last weekend I was re-living that cherished childhood memory with my mom.

Me: Hey mom, remember when I puked in the elevator at your office that one Halloween?

Mom: Yes. You ate too much candy.

Me: I vividly remember the janitor coming over with his trolley of cleaning supplies, but you stopped him and said "Let me clean it up. It's my kid". Then you cleaned up my barf like a good mom.

Mom: Well I felt bad. I didn't want him cleaning up your barf. Besides, he was Chinese!

My Porish Guy

I hope everyone had a nice Victoria Day long weekend! I know I sure did.

Anyways, let's shake off the cob webs with a fob memory.

When I first started dating my now husband, my mom was asking me some questions to try and fulfill her daily quota of snoopiness. "Where does he live? Where did you meet? How old is he? What do his parents do? Does he have a car?"

I'm used to the 20 questions, but I could not help but laugh at my fobby mom when she asked me one question in particular...

Mom: What's his last name?

Me: Gawlinski

Mom: How do you spell? G-O-R...

Me: Hahaha oh dear god.


Not only did my mom fulfill her quota for snoopiness, but she also fulfilled her quota for reaffirming fob stereotypes. Although, I'm sure Gorinski is a wonderful polish name.

http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/non_aviation/read.main/303466/

Dollarama-rama!

I love Christmas. Like any other materialistic North American, I love most everything about Christmas. I love the stupid decorations, the movies on TV, the snow, the family traditions, the food. I love it all. Now some of you may be thinking "she forgot to mention presents". Well you see, around my house my mom never over-exerted herself in the presents department. I'm not saying I feel like I missed out or that I'm not grateful for the presents I did receive, but I definitely don't consider the gift-exchange to be a highlight of my Holiday season. Even Santa was never really a big part of the appeal of Christmas. My mom never really put a lot of effort into the whole "Santa is real" thing.

One time when I was about 7 or so, I asked my mom straight up if Santa was real. I'd heard on the playground from an older kid that Santa was a sham. Instead of dispelling my doubts, my loving mother didn't even flinch when she replied "Nope". Don't feel bad though. I had already questioned his existence when my mom told me that Santa comes into our house at night through the furnace.

Anyways, as I've mentioned before my mom kind of sucks at the giving/receiving of gifts in the proper North American sense. You would think that her natural aversion to gifts would make her shy away from the concept of stocking stuffers, but surprisingly my mom has fully embraced the idea. Stocking stuffers were never a childhood staple of mine, but when she discovered the concept a few years ago she was hooked! I guess it mixes her love for tiny articles of miscellaneous junk with her love for stowing items in inappropriate containers.

Last Christmas, my mom proudly presented her children with the stocking stuffers she had lovingly prepared. She watched as I began to dig out the contents of my stocking:

 Me: Oooh... lip balm...

Mom: I got that from Dollarama

Me: ... and a giant candy cane...

Mom: I got that from Dollarama too.

Me: Mom, why did you cut out the corners of the packing where it clearly says "DOLLARAMA" judging from the remaining halves of the letters? You're telling us you got bought 'em from Dollarama anyways.

Mom: Because, Erin! I don't want you to see the price!

Me: But isn't everything at the dollar store a dollar?

Mom: NO! Now things is TWO dollars!

http://forums.redflagdeals.com/hot-philips-1-outlet-surge-protector-2-dollarama-838123/

My mom has yet to master the concept of concealing the price of a gift.