Are You...?

This story is ripped straight from the history books of yours truly. In the not-so distant past, I used to have REALLY REALLY bad skin. Imagine the most horrific thing you've ever seen, then  put eyes on it, and that's what my face used to look like. Many people who didn't know me back then don't believe that it was as bad as I describe, but I can assure you it was bad. I was like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, only minus the turtle and the ninja. Needless to say, I didn't exactly have boys banging down the door to my boudoir.

Anywho, I decided to take the oriental approach to adolescence, and focus more on my studies than boys. You would think that my little asian mother would be thrilled to have a daughter more preoccupied with calculus than dating, but apparently that was not the case.

Remember the post about asian moms not doing so well on topics which are "sexual" in nature? Well, I guess my mom was concerned about the lack of boys calling the house, so she decided to breach the subject the best way she knew how.

Mom: Erin. There are no boys calling the house.

Me: Yes. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

Mom: ARE YOU A LESBIAN?????

Aaaah yes. The rational conclusion any caring mother would draw. A part of me wishes I'd answered "yes". I'm sure that would have made a much better post.

http://www.zazzle.co.nz/smiley+posters

My Mom on the Costa Concordia

We are discussing the Costa Concordia at the dinner table and my mother decides to give her two cents:

Mom: When you see the Captain dishing the ship, that's your clue to leave! Hahaha!

Me: DISHing the ship? *everyone starts laughing at my mom*

Mom: *trying extra hard to say ditch* DISSHHH.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/costa-concordia

Only in Chinatown

One day my mom and I were in Chinatown to shop for a cheongsam for my wedding. If you're wondering what a cheongsam is, it's just the traditional Chinese dress worn on special occasions. I can guarantee you've seen 'em before.

http://www.diytrade.com/china/pd/4814780/sleeve_long_cheongsam.html

At the first store we visited, I saw a cute one that looked about my size, so I pulled it down to look at the tag. Normally I'm a small, so I was a bit surprised to see that it was an extra-large. I figured it was just a child size so I asked the lady at the store if I could try it on.

I was directed to the change room, which was basically a herb pantry, and began to pull the dress over my head. As I'm pulling the dress down, it would not even remotely entertain the idea of making it's way over my shoulders, so I popped it off before getting stuck and went back into the store.

The sales lady gave me another dress and I took a look at the tag. XXL this time! I went back into the herb pantry and decided to step into the dress, which is typically not a problem for me as I have the lower body of a 13 year old boy. I managed to get the dress up to the bottom of my butt, but the darn thing would not budge from there. By this time, I was thoroughly perplexed, but I stepped out of the dress and I threw it over my head for round two. When the dress hit the top of my hips I couldn't pull it any farther. By THIS time I was feeling a little bit less like a 13 year old boy, and a bit more like Kim Kardashian.

Defeated, I headed back into the store where the sales lady handed me yet another XXL of a different style. I tried it on like the other two, but this time I was actually able to get it over my huge ass!

I walked out into the store so my mom and the sales lady could have a look. Immediately, the sales lady began laughing as she pointed to my butt to proclaim that my "pet pet" was too big. All the while my mom was standing there with her arms crossed agreeing with her: "hai la hai la". They began spinning me around and discussing all the ways they could alter the dress to make my butt and boobs look smaller so I wouldn't look so fat.

In my mind, I was just imagining being in a dress store at the mall. What if I was fully white, the sales lady was white, and my mom was white? What if I was buying a dress for prom and the sales lady was like "Oh, dear. Your daughter's ass is just WAY too big for that dress. Let me just see if I can't make her look less fat than the fat mess she is!" "Oh yes, please do. See what can be done to accommodate my daughters huge ass and rolls. Thanks."

The Chinese kid inside of me was all too familiar with this scene, but the white kid in me could not help but appreciate the hilarity of the little Chinese fingers stabbing away at my big pet pet.

Only in Chinatown...

You say NO!

As a fobspring, I don't know if I got the conventional "sex talk" so much as I got the life-long indoctrination that "being skank" is bad, and "finish school" or "become doctor" is good. Fobs typically don't handle this "sex" topic very well, but what they lack in sensitivity, they make up for in humiliation...your humiliation that is.

One day when my sister was in junior high she had a sex-ed presentation at school. At the end of the presentation, the facilitator handed out condoms to each of the students.

Later on at home, my sister reached into her pocket and pulled out the condom she had almost forgotten about and placed it on her bookshelf. Not really thinking about it too much, she went on with her day.

In traditional fobby fashion, my snoopy fob mother was making her rounds through the house when she spotted the condom left in plain view on my little sister's bookshelf. She immediately began her ritualistic fob-mom freak out.

Mom: COLLEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colleen: What???

Mom: GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colleen: What's wrong?

Mom: CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THIIIIIIS????? *holds out the condom*

Colleen: Oh, we had sex-ed at school today.

Now for any normal, say, white parent, that would be a sufficient explanation as to why a 12 year old girl would leave a condom out on her bookshelf. Evidently, that wasn't explanation enough for my mom...

Mom: AND WHY DID YOU ASK THEM FOR A CONDOM??????

Colleen: I didn't ask. They gave them out to everybody.

Again, this would probably be good enough for most reasonable people.

Mom: AND WHY DID YOU ACCEP' IT??????

Colleen: Look, I just put it in my pocket and forgot that it was there. I wasn't trying to hide it or anything. I was going to throw it in the garbage, but I never got around to it.

Mom: WHEN SOMEBODY TRY TO GIVE YOU A CONDOM YOU SAY NO! I DON'T HAVE SEX!

After that, my mortified sister came to me and asked for my assistance in quelling our raging mother. At our house, I was the only one who was willing to go toe-to-toe with the big FOBster. To this day I still get texts from my sister saying "Please call the house. Mom is being crazy"

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/the-art-of-saying-no-respectfully.html

Sour Milk

Having immigrated from Hong Kong, my mother has been blessed with an iron stomach. Now that's not to say she has taste buds of steel, but that's a post for another day.

Anyways, my mom has been known to eat her fair share of food that has been left to linger well past it's best-before date. Actually, she puts up a big fight when we want to throw something away. Quite often, she'll beg us to spare her putrid food, and she'll protect it by labeling the container "Mom's".

Over time, we've coined a term for the forgotten items in the back of the fridge. We lovingly refer to these consumables as "mom's rottens". Every now and again you'll see a note on the fridge saying "Mom, please eat your rottens by Saturday".

The other week, my brother found a carton of chocolate milk that had been left to expire in the basement fridge. He brought it up for my sister to smell.

Brother: Hey, smell this milk. Someone left it downstairs.

Sister: Ewww nasty!

Brother: Should we leave it for mom?

Sister: Sure.

Later on that day, my sister pointed out the expired chocolate milk that had recently been transplanted to the upstairs fridge.

Sister: Mom, someone left the chocolate milk downstairs and it's expired now.

Mom: OOOOH! Mochaccinos for mommy!

http://www.aedairy.com/products.cfm?ProductCategoryID=53ee962b-65be-f4bb-a3c3-62600f20d14a&ProductID=abe7ed5d-65be-f4bb-a9db-cac2017417fc

My Mom on the Chinese Zodiac

I heard somewhere that the rat was the best animal in the Chinese Zodiac. I thought that was quite the bizarre animal to make "Best Animal on the Zodiac", so I mentioned it to my mother to gather her thoughts.

Me: Mom, I heard that the rat is the best animal on the Zodiac.

Mom: That's not true.

Me: Well that's just what I heard.

Mom: Well I'M the Chinese one and I say Dragon is the bess because everybody wants to be a Dragon!




http://blog.craftzine.com/archive/2012/01/how-to_amigurumi_dragon.html


She's right... everybody DOES want to be a Dragon! Now if that isn't flawless logic I don't know what is.

Points for Presentation

As I've stated before, FOBs are an industrious people with a reputation for using unconventional materials to carry out their desired tasks...

When my husband and I first started dating, my mom needed a letter notarised. She knew my boyfriend's dad was a lawyer, so she saw an opportunity to not only get her letter notarised, but to also meet one of my boyfriend's parents. She made an appointment to see him, and on the day of her appointment, I was over at my boyfriend's house for dinner.

Me: So did my mom come into your office today?

Mr. G: She did.

Me: And how did it go?

Mr. G: I got her letter notarised and she stayed for a little while to chat. You know, I think she is the nicest lady I've ever met.

Me: Yep. She's definitely friendly! So she didn't do anything embarrassing or weird, did she?

Mr. G: No. Well actually... she came into my office carrying this big garbage bag. At first, I wondered what she was doing with it, but then she pulled out two tins of Tim Horton's coffee and hot chocolate as a gift.

Me: Sounds like my mom!

I can just imagine my tiny asian mother entering a nice downtown office building with her garbage bag in tow. I'm sure the security guards were placed on high alert.