Who Wants Some Drinks?

My mom is a fob. In this post, she was trying to be hospitable during a family dinner. She wasn't using her indoor voice so it made her hospitality EXTRA evident.


Mom: HEY SHUT UP EVERYBODY! WHO WANTS SOME DRINKS???? WHO WANTS SOME DRINKS OF WATER???? WHO WANTS SOME DRINKS OF SOFT DRINKS?????


I love how my mom somehow manages to combine being a good host with being very in-your-face and demanding. I also like how she is speaking in some sort of cryptic prose. Some drinks of soft drinks? I'm intrigued. What happens if I request some drinks of water? Will she bring a bucket over to me and let me get in a few good gulps?

http://photo.net/photodb/photo?photo_id=6532215

Leftover-licious

Take a look at this DUH-LICIOUS plate of food my mom fixed for herself. Actually it's an ancient Chinese recipe which I will share with you today:

Step 1: Get a plate and a big spoon.

Step 2: Open your fridge and reach to the very back. You might need a stool.

Step 3: Indiscriminately grab all the Tupperware containers you can find.

Step 4: Open the containers and scrape off any big chunks of mold, but leave just enough for flavour.

Step 5: Empty the contents of said containers onto your plate using the big spoon. Stir if desired.

Step 6: Put it in the microwave for one minute. That will kill any remaining spores without destroying the delicate flavours.

Step 7: Apply soy sauce to taste and enjoy!

She's even got all the food groups covered: Starch, starch, starch, chicken and powdered cheese.

Sometimes My Sister is a Fob

I am laughing to myself over a treasured memory of a tirade my sister went on some time ago. She was ranting about how she does all the chores around the house and how everyone is lazy and takes her for granted. Mid rage, she decided to settle the score by creating a TO-DO list for all the members of the household so as to distribute the work load in what she felt was an equitable manner.

At first glance, the list looked fairly standard. Dad was to take out the garbage; mom was to do the grocery shopping; yada yada yada. But then, a few lines down I read "Brendan will meow the lawn".

After I pointed out her spelling mistake, it was hard for any of us to take her seriously. I initiated the ridiculing and the rest of my family followed suit. No longer able to keep up her "tough guy" appearance, and unable to withstand the constant meowing, she stormed off in a huff. Poor gal.

Reflections on Noodles

I was in a seriously philosophical kind of mood one day...

Me: Mom, why do asians love noodles?

Mom: Because white people have potatoes.

Whoa. That's like... deep.

The Lecture Stance

This is my mom's lecturing stance:

Fobs possess excellent lecturing skills and will try to use any opportunity to either lecture their children, or give them unwanted advice.

This fob in particular likes to lecture her children atop her perch on the stairs. She asserts her dominance by looking down on them as she unleashes her fob fury.

Fobs are also very determined lecturers. Their fobspring may have already matured well into their adulthood, but that still won't stop the mother fob from unleashing her full-fledged fob attack.

As painful as the lectures can be, they play an important roll in the fobspring's development. Many fobspring are happy, successful people as a result of the massive ear hemorrhaging lectures they endured as children. Additional benefits include a gratitude for all the times they got their @$$ whooped instead of getting a lecture... Good times.

Are You Kidding Me!?

My mom, my sister and I were sitting on the couch watching TV before dinner when my mother got a phone call from my little brother.

Mom: Hello? *pause* WHAT?!?!?!?!

My mom sprang to her feet.

Mom: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

She then ran out of the room. At this point, my sister and I were both perplexed and concerned. It was raining pretty heavily that day, so I thought maybe he had gotten himself stranded somewhere.

Me: I wonder what's wrong. I hope everything's Ok.

Sister: Yeah what the hell's going on?

This was all very dramatic but after a couple of seconds my mom paced back into the room.

Mom: Well can you ask if they can make more chicken? *pause* Ok love you bye. *Click*

Me: What was that all about?

Mom: Safeway ran out of roasted chickens.

The Last Supper

Around the dinner table, my mom is going on and on about how the Chinese respect their elders.

Mom: In the Chinese culture, there is a very large importance placed on respect for elders. You always ask the elders, you want to hear their opinions, you always make sure they are happy with everything...

Me: Sure mom.

Mom: Like at the dinner table you will notice that the elders will have the first bite, and that's the way it should be!

Me: Uh-huh.

Mom: The elder should have the first bite because it'll probably be their last.

Me: Uuuh...

I don't think that's quite what she meant but my mom can be a bit morbid at times.