Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Gotta do the Doo

We were trying to leave the house for a family trip to Jasper and my mom was a little bit obsessed over the whole family going to the washroom before we left...

"Everybody sit down and relax! We should wait till we all need to poo."

"Stop feeding your dad. He's gonna crap!"

"You don't want to eat too much because somebody's going to poo somewhere."

"Marky, go make a doo doo."

"I would much rather go poo here than on the road!"

"Gotta do the doo!"

Friday, 17 August 2012

Shame on You, Bank of Canada!

I recently read a news article, and I must say, I'm really embarrassed to be a Canadian right about now. For a moment there I thought I was back in 1912! You can read the article in all it's glory here.

Martine Warren, an advisor for the Bank of Canada, has a close look at the bank's new $100 bill, Canada's first polymer bank note, in Toronto last November. The original image of the woman scientist on the banknote was altered after focus groups weighed in. (Nathan Denette/Canadian Press)

For those of you who don't want to read the article, it basically says that the Bank of Canada has revised the first draft of their $100 banknote from showing an "asian-looking" scientist to a caucasian scientist due to some negative feedback received from focus groups.

Some of the focus group members felt as though the asian scientist depicted the racial stereotype that asians excel at science and technology. Uuuuh... last time I checked people don't typically take offence to being reminded how they kick-ass at something. Now if the banknote showed a picture of an asian woman driving 30 km/h in a 50 zone then I could maybe see how some people would get a little cheesed.

Another comment made was about the "yellow-brown" colour of the note which "racialized" the bill. Yeah. Just like how the yellow colour of a traffic light really racializes an intersection. I can't believe I've been living my whole life up until now without ever reading into all the racializations that come with yellow-coloured objects. I've always just assumed that the yellow light meant "get the hell out of the intersection!"

The bank also reported that one person in Fredericton (A.K.A. the one place on earth whiter than Ireland) commented on how the asian lady simply doesn't represent Canada. Another person in Montreal (A.K.A. the little-bitch capital of the world) said that if you're going to show one ethnic group then you must show them all.

I think it's important to note at this point that they did NOT set up a focus group in Vancouver (A.K.A. Hong Kong the Sequel). What gives????? And since when do we care about offending white people in this country? Especially the french?! (I can say that because I'm french).

Also, since when do we have room on our doggamn money to show every single ethnicity we have living in Canada? Furthermore, since when did "white" become the catch-all/ "neutral" ethnicity that everyone can identify with? If the goal of the banknote is to portray every Canadian citizen equally, then I propose we depict a tanned, ethnically ambiguous, beer drinking, middle-aged, somewhat chubby androgynous person with a $200,000 mortgage in our bill design. That seems fair, no?

I'm a person of principles. If the bank note started off as a white person, I sincerely doubt anyone would've taken much notice. So why is the situation different because the first draft was an asian-looking lady?

Had the image originally been a white woman, you certainly wouldn't hear me saying "Hey, this image of a white person offends me! Change it to a fun-loving half asian/half white woman scientist eating Doritos. When I drop the dolla billz I wanna feel as though I'm looking into a mirror!"

In the end, the Bank of Canada should not have expected to please everyone with their bill design. What they probably should have expected, though, was the huge public backlash when they promptly caucasianized their banknote in response to the ludicrous criticism from their focus groups. The bottom line is they should have just left well enough alone.

Bank of Canada, I don't know who you are anymore.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012



This post isn't about fobs, but it's about an equally important issue that I want to bring to your attention.

Now that blueberries are in season, I have recently been stricken with BLUEBERRHEA! It was hard to tell my family, but it was quite the wake-up call. I checked myself into a twelve-step program and now I am on the road to recovery.

For those of you who are not trained in the medical field, blueberrhea can be classified as a blue-green tinged diarrhea resulting from the over consumption of blueberries. Most cases of blueberrhea arise from a previously established addiction to blueberries.

Similar conditions include Raspberrhea, Strawberrhea, and the deadly Cherrhea.

If you are experiencing blueberrhea, it is recommended that you find a toilet as soon as possible and stay away from farmer's markets!

Spread the word!

Thursday, 9 August 2012

The Trouble with Russ

This is what happens when my mom communicates with white people and I'm not there to translate. She was talking to my boyfriend at the time, and he was getting quite confused:

Mom: Are you having troubles with russ?

Boyfriend: What?

Mom: Russ? Do you notice russ?

Boyfriend: Who's Russ?

Mom: No. RUSS. Are you noticing russ around your wheel well? I'm getting a little russ on my car.

Boyfriend: OH. Yeah I'm getting a little bit of rust on my wheel well too.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012


This is a PG 13 rated post due to the mild language and violent fob content.

A long long time ago, my mother had a glorious moment of insanity which has become a fan favourite in my household.

She was in the kitchen doing the dishes while my sister was in the family room minding her own business and watching TV.

My sister had this folding fan which she was tap, tap, tapping on her TV tray. Being totally enthralled in her TV show, she was all of the sudden startled by my mom who screamed from the kitchen at the top of her lungs: SHUT THE F#$% UP!

Realizing that it was her constant tapping that had our mother so greatly perturbed, my sister immediately put down the fan. She must've been tapping it for like 10 minutes straight without even realizing till my mom snapped!

I can just picture my mother busily scrubbing her wok while growing evermore irritated... being pushed closer and closer to her breaking point... until finally... she cracks!

When the situation calls for it, we throw out our own "SHUT THE F#$% UP!" in our best "mom" voice to remember that legendary indiscretion.

When we bring it up now my mom just laughs as if we aren't talking about her.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

The Nickname

A couple of months ago I was eagerly anticipating either a niece or a nephew. Around the dinner table, me and my family were discussing baby names.

Me: I like old school names like "Margaret"

Mom: Margaret??? The nickname would be MAGGOT!


Monday, 6 August 2012

Gameshow Fail

Epic Gameshow Fail.

I love how the asian kids aren't phased.

Friday, 3 August 2012

Who Wants Some Drinks?

My mom is a fob. In this post, she was trying to be hospitable during a family dinner. She wasn't using her indoor voice so it made her hospitality EXTRA evident.


I love how my mom somehow manages to combine being a good host with being very in-your-face and demanding. I also like how she is speaking in some sort of cryptic prose. Some drinks of soft drinks? I'm intrigued. What happens if I request some drinks of water? Will she bring a bucket over to me and let me get in a few good gulps?

Wednesday, 1 August 2012


Take a look at this DUH-LICIOUS plate of food my mom fixed for herself. Actually it's an ancient Chinese recipe which I will share with you today:

Step 1: Get a plate and a big spoon.

Step 2: Open your fridge and reach to the very back. You might need a stool.

Step 3: Indiscriminately grab all the Tupperware containers you can find.

Step 4: Open the containers and scrape off any big chunks of mold, but leave just enough for flavour.

Step 5: Empty the contents of said containers onto your plate using the big spoon. Stir if desired.

Step 6: Put it in the microwave for one minute. That will kill any remaining spores without destroying the delicate flavours.

Step 7: Apply soy sauce to taste and enjoy!

She's even got all the food groups covered: Starch, starch, starch, chicken and powdered cheese.