Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Sometimes My Sister is a Fob

I am laughing to myself over a treasured memory of a tirade my sister went on some time ago. She was ranting about how she does all the chores around the house and how everyone is lazy and takes her for granted. Mid rage, she decided to settle the score by creating a TO-DO list for all the members of the household so as to distribute the work load in what she felt was an equitable manner.

At first glance, the list looked fairly standard. Dad was to take out the garbage; mom was to do the grocery shopping; yada yada yada. But then, a few lines down I read "Brendan will meow the lawn".

After I pointed out her spelling mistake, it was hard for any of us to take her seriously. I initiated the ridiculing and the rest of my family followed suit. No longer able to keep up her "tough guy" appearance, and unable to withstand the constant meowing, she stormed off in a huff. Poor gal.

Monday, 23 July 2012

Reflections on Noodles

I was in a seriously philosophical kind of mood one day...

Me: Mom, why do asians love noodles?

Mom: Because white people have potatoes.

Whoa. That's like... deep.

Friday, 20 July 2012

The Lecture Stance

This is my mom's lecturing stance:

Fobs possess excellent lecturing skills and will try to use any opportunity to either lecture their children, or give them unwanted advice.

This fob in particular likes to lecture her children atop her perch on the stairs. She asserts her dominance by looking down on them as she unleashes her fob fury.

Fobs are also very determined lecturers. Their fobspring may have already matured well into their adulthood, but that still won't stop the mother fob from unleashing her full-fledged fob attack.

As painful as the lectures can be, they play an important roll in the fobspring's development. Many fobspring are happy, successful people as a result of the massive ear hemorrhaging lectures they endured as children. Additional benefits include a gratitude for all the times they got their @$$ whooped instead of getting a lecture... Good times.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Are You Kidding Me!?

My mom, my sister and I were sitting on the couch watching TV before dinner when my mother got a phone call from my little brother.

Mom: Hello? *pause* WHAT?!?!?!?!

My mom sprang to her feet.


She then ran out of the room. At this point, my sister and I were both perplexed and concerned. It was raining pretty heavily that day, so I thought maybe he had gotten himself stranded somewhere.

Me: I wonder what's wrong. I hope everything's Ok.

Sister: Yeah what the hell's going on?

This was all very dramatic but after a couple of seconds my mom paced back into the room.

Mom: Well can you ask if they can make more chicken? *pause* Ok love you bye. *Click*

Me: What was that all about?

Mom: Safeway ran out of roasted chickens.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

The Last Supper

Around the dinner table, my mom is going on and on about how the Chinese respect their elders.

Mom: In the Chinese culture, there is a very large importance placed on respect for elders. You always ask the elders, you want to hear their opinions, you always make sure they are happy with everything...

Me: Sure mom.

Mom: Like at the dinner table you will notice that the elders will have the first bite, and that's the way it should be!

Me: Uh-huh.

Mom: The elder should have the first bite because it'll probably be their last.

Me: Uuuh...

I don't think that's quite what she meant but my mom can be a bit morbid at times.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Bean Counting Ben

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with my hubby, and I didn't realize it, but I was singing to myself...

Me: cBean counting BEN.... Bean counting BEN.... c

Mark: What the heck song is that?

Me: Oh... it's a song my mom made up about my brother. Come to think of it, I guess it's not really a song because it's just that one lyric over and over again.

Mark: And your brother's name isn't even Ben... and it's not like he really loves money or anything.

Me: Yeah... I never really thought of that. I guess you don't think about these things when you're a stupid kid. I'm gonna call my sister to see if she remembers the song!

I called my sister and put her on speaker phone...

Me: Hey, finish my sentence

Sister: Ok

Me: cBean Counting-c

Sister: cBEN!c

Me: cBean Counting-c

Sister: cBEN!cHaha what made you think of Brendan's song?

Me: Mark caught me singing it to myself.

Sister: I forgot about that terrible song!

Monday, 16 July 2012

Jay Ma-DOW-yun

My mom calls me...

Mom: I got you a jay ma-DOW-yun.

Me: Ok... what's that?

Mom: It's jay. A ma-dow-yun of jay.

Me: Jade?

Mom: Yes

Me: A jade ma-DOW-yun?

Mom: Yes

Me: Ok now what's a ma-DOW-yun?

Mom: You know, like a biscuit.

Me: What??? Now you've really lost me.

Mom: It's a ma-dow-yun made of jay. What's there to be loss about?


Mom: Ya... a jay ma-DOW-yun

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

New Wok

A couple of years ago when I was moving out of my parents' house, I asked my mom where I should go to buy a good wok. My mom couldn't remember where she got her crusty old wok from, so she said she'd ask my grandma for a good place to look.

In my mind, I was almost certain my grandma would recommend some "best kept secret" type place in Chinatown that only super legit Chinese people would know about. So naturally, I would become super cool and legit once I got my hands on one of their woks.

Suddenly, I was starting to get very excited to hear of this secret shop where, surely, no gwai los have been before.

After my mom had spoken to my grandma, I was eager to get the lowdown on the sweet spot:

Mom: I talk to por por about where to buy a good wok.

Me: And? Where did she say to go?

Mom: Por por says Zellers is really good for woks!

Me: Oh....

For those of you non-Canadian readers, Zellers is a large discount store like Wal-mart.

So now I guess the ancient Chinese secret is out for all to know!

Monday, 9 July 2012


This post is about my friend Caroline's fobby Filipino mom.

One day when they were at the grocery store, Caroline's mom was looking for some tuna. They looked all around the store but couldn't find any. Finally, they spotted an employee and went up to see if he couldn't help them out.

Caroline's Mom: Excuse me, where is your dona?

Employee: Pardon me?

Caroline's Mom: Dona. Where is your dona?

Employee: Ummm... the donuts are over there.

Caroline's Mom: No... DO-NA

Frustrated, she turned to her daughter for help, but Caroline decided it would be best to sit this one out.

Thanks Caroline!

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Asian Driver

My fobby mom isn't your typical asian driver. Yes, she drives erratically, and yes she never knows where she's going, but slow she is not.

One day when my mother was driving me to school, we were stuck behind this EXTREMELY slow green Subaru in our neighbourhood. Unable to go around him, my mom began freaking out and road raging. Her go-to phrases in such situations are "GET OFF THE ROW!" and "GET LOSS YOU DIRK!"

Anyways, when the road opened up to two lanes, my mom quickly put her lead foot to use and sped past the green car. As we were passing, my mom shot a nasty look to the driver of the Subaru and made the following observation:

Mom: AAAAAASIAAAAAN..... white people gonna be freakin' out!

Oh mother.... you are so adorable when you rage.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Turpentine Belt

My mom was complaining about some weird noises her car was making. She took it to the mechanic and called me afterwards.

Me: So did they figure out what was wrong with the car?

Mom: They said the turpentine belt needs to be tightened.

I hear turpents make wonderful classroom pets...

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

The Exercise Lady

This is a picture of my mom hanging out with my brother in his work-out room. She's obviously decked out in her work-out gear: slippers, pj's and vest.

It looks like she's really feeling the burn!

Monday, 2 July 2012

The Little Asians

This is just a funny video I saw on Tosh.0. It's sort of related to asians. The little ones in particular.

I hope everyone had a Happy Canada Day!