Saturday, 31 March 2012

Reading English

Por Por is Cantonese for maternal grandmother:

Me: Mom, does Por Por know how to read any english?

Mom: Umm... only the menu at Swiss Chalet.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Mattress Shopping

As usual, my family is engaged in a rousing conversation around the dinner table. We are discussing the intellectual topic of which sibling looks the most oriental. As our conversation unfolds, we get onto the topic of racial prejudice. Neither I nor my siblings have ever encountered racial prejudice in our lives, so we directed the conversation towards my mom:

Me: Mom, have you ever been discriminated against for being Asian?

Mom: I don’t think so.

Me: Has anyone ever said anything racist to you?

Mom: Well sort of. When you kids were little I took you mattress shopping. You were being such little shits and jumping on the mattresses! Anyways, this little boy ran over to you because he wanted to play, but then his grandma grab him away and said "BILLY– or whatever the hell his name was– GET AWAY FROM THOSE CHINKS!" So I was like "Let's get the eff outta here!"

Me: Does that make you mad?

Mom: Not really.

Me: Yeah... you can't let the ignorance of others bring you down.

Mom: Well she's probably dead by now!

Thursday, 29 March 2012


Despite having lived in Edmonton for 30 some odd years, my mom always seems to get herself lost. My dad had the idea to buy her a GPS for Christmas, and I thought it would make a very practical gift so I encouraged him to buy it.

A few months go by and I decide to ask her how she's liking her present...

Me: So mom, how do you like the GPS dad got you? Has it been helping you get around town?

Mom: Oh I like it. It's very neat with the lady's foice telling you where to turn. But there is one little problem with the GPS…

Me: Oh?

Mom: Ya, the dang thing never works when you put in the wrong address.

Me: Hahaha... MOM! Wouldn't you expect that you'd need to input the right address???


Wednesday, 28 March 2012

A stands for "Alive"

As everyone knows, FOBs are very firmly rooted in their belief of academic excellence.  They didn't come all this way so you could slack off! Actually... ever since elementary school there has always been an unspoken yet well understood rule of thumb at my house:

A's stand for "Alive" i.e. your fobby parent will allow you to remain alive upon receipt of this grade.

B's stand for "Brain Dead" i.e. if you weren't brain dead before, you will be soon.

Similarily, C's stand for "Coma",

D's stand for "Death",

and F's stand for "Funeral" i.e. there will be no funeral because no one will ever find the body.

Luckily for me, I was always WAY smarter than my mom since day one ;)

My siblings on the other hand... well I guess my mom thought they needed a little extra help.

One day when I was over at my parents' house for dinner, my mom began asking my brother about some dude that I'd never heard of before. After a very long and drawn out conversation about what this guy did and what he said, I finally asked her:

Me: Who the hell are you guys talking about?

Mom: The protagoniss from Brendan's novel study

Me: Omg, did you read his novel study book?

Mom: Yes, that way I can help him write his report. Duh!

Me: -_-

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Lin's Fortune

Ok so maybe I'm a bit late with this one but I'll post it anyways.

Last month, the media was totally gripped with Linsanity. For those of you who don't know, Jeremy Lin is a Taiwanese basketball player for the NY Knicks who has recently been getting a lot of attention for his athletic prowess. While most of the coverage has been positive, a lot of news articles had somewhat of a “racist” angle to them. It wasn’t the article itself that was racist, but rather the article was calling out certain headlines, pictures, and remarks for being racist. One of the articles I read was about a “distasteful” picture made by a fan of Lin which was aired by MSG.

Jeremy Lin

Now personally, I don't find this picture to be offensive… but who am I to say? I'm only HALF Chinese and I was born and raised in white-breadmonton.

So I asked a few of my Chinese friends to get their thoughts. They all shared the same sentiments as me, but again, they are born and raised bananas... so I still couldn’t draw any conclusions.

Then, it dawned on me. To determine if this picture is truly offensive, I should ask none other than my mother dearest!

I showed her the picture and asked "Mom, does this offend you in any way?" to which she replied "No... the Knicks ARE lucky!"

*face palm*

I think it’s safe to say that this picture is NOT offensive to Chinese people...

Monday, 26 March 2012

Thrifty Rape Prevention

Like many fobs out there, my fobby mom is a HUGE worry wart. This has proven to be quite the annoyance for most of my life, and this day was no exception...

Mom: Erin, I bought you something.

Me: What is it?

Mom: Here you go *hands me small metal object*

Me: It’s a whistle…?

Mom: It’s a rape whistle J


Mom: It’s for when you get rape.

Me: WHEN I get raped? Oh dear… *blows into whistle*. Mom… this thing is SO quiet!

Mom: Hmm maybe I shouldn’t have bought it from the dollar store.

Friday, 23 March 2012

Those Damn Oilers!

DISCLAIMER: The following post has been deemed POLITICALLY INCORRECT! Please remember that my mom is totally ESL (English-as-a-Second-Language). Reader discretion is advised. Oh... and if you are offended by this, please feel free to make fun of asians... white people are fair game too.

After driving a friend named "Mark" home during University, my mom makes the following remark:
Mom: What’s his name again?

Me: Mark

Mom: Everybody’s name is Mark! All of your friends are MARK!

Me: Like four maybe...

Mom: You know why that is, right?

Me: Haha, why?


Me: Haha. If that's true, then how come I don’t know anyone named “Wayne”?

Mom: BECAUSE, Erin…. Wayne is a GAY name!  

For the record I like the name Wayne.
Go Oilers Go!

Thursday, 22 March 2012

FOB Printing Instructions

Many mundane tasks may seem simple at first glance, but luckily for you, your fobby parent knows better. You might notice your fobby parent leaving behind notes all around the house. Don't ignore them or throw them into the trash. Trust them to help you navigate these potentially complicated/dangerous situations. The fobby parent knows not to be fooled by the guise of simplicity!

Here is a picture I took of the handy dandy printing instructions my mom taped to the top of the family printer. It may look like your garden variety single sided printer, but my mother has uncovered its hidden potential of becoming an efficient one-page-at-a-time double sided printing marvel!


Aah the perks of a FOB-run household.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Susan Boyle

My mom LOVED the movie "Mamma Mia!" (the one with Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep).

So Christmas time rolls around and my thoughtful sister decides to pick up the Mamma Mia soundtrack for our mother dearest. You must understand that no matter how apathetic my mom can be about gifts, my sister still believes she can elicit that "freak out" reaction we only ever see on TV.

My mom calmly opens up the present and the following conversation ensues:

Mom: Mamma Mia? Why didn't you get me Susan Boyle?

Sister: What?! You don't like it???

Mom: No. I like Susan Boyle.

Sister: But I thought you liked the movie?

Mom: I liked the MOVIE, but I didn't like the singing.

Sister: But...... it's a musical................

Mom: .... I hate that Pierce Brosnan

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

FOBs 101

What you need to know about FOBs

The FOB (plural FOBs), known taxonomically as Fobo sapien, is a mammal which comprises the Fobbae family. Predominantly originating from Asia, the modern day FOB typically resides in North America, Australia, and certain parts of Western Europe.
FOBs are an industrious people that are highly adept at using simple tools found in their natural habitat. Some notable examples include: using tape to affix phone numbers onto a programmable phone, gluing cardboard onto magnets so they don’t mark-up the fridge, using chop sticks to cram frozen juice down a funnel, stuffing an old shirt into a crack on the porch to prevent small objects from falling in, converting old boxes into handy storage units for junk, and using Saran-wrap/Ziploc bags to protect household items.

The FOB diet mostly consists of rice, noodles, freezer burnt ham from 1997, and various over-ripe fruits and vegetables. FOBs do not typically hunt in packs but they often rely on their children to text them grocery lists. Reports of adult FOBs consuming Pocky and bubble tea are unconfirmed.

In their natural habitat, FOBs are most comfortable wearing slippers and vests, and enjoy watching American Idol. Failing to PVR an episode of American Idol on behalf of an elderly FOB is considered an insult of the highest order in FOB culture.

FOBs have been noted to exhibit the following innate behaviors:

·         Criticizing  their children for spending too much money
·         Driving slowly
·         Bringing their own candy to the movie theatres
·         Always snooping on their kids
·         Never appreciating birthday presents
·         Pressuring their children to become doctors, lawyers and engineers
·         Never wanting to throw anything away
·         Collecting elastics
·         Keeping slippers in every corner of the house
·         Not allowing their children to date
·         Assuming their children are hanging out with drug dealers and/or rapists
·         Not believing in sleepovers
·         Always providing opinions on restaurant food
·         Not accepting anything less than straight As
·         Always concerned about the level of gas in the car
·         Telling you your fat
·         Forcing you to eat

Generally, FOBs have a friendly disposition and can be approached without concern… unless you are trying to date their daughter.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Twi-hards at School

Me: Thanks to Twilight, my kids are probably gonna go to school with a few "Renesmees".

Mom: What the hell is a NUH-NESMAY???

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Finding Emo

One day my mom and I were in the kitchen and I decided to test her knowledge of today's youth...

Me: Hey Mom, do you know what Emo means?

Mom: Yes

Me: Really??? *not expecting that response*

Mom: Ya... it's a fish.

Me: What?

Mom: YOU KNOW *looks at me as if i'm completely stupid*. Finding Emo!

Thursday, 15 March 2012

Which Boy

To give some background behind the e-mail below, my mom typically assumes I don’t know any Chinese (rightly so), and figures all the Cantonese I'm hearing is coming from outside the household.

In this e-mail, I'm asking my mom what "You are pretty" means. I know what it means, but I like to ask my mom random questions just to see what she says. She always has something unexpected to say...

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Her Job

My siblings and I are trying to keep this blog a secret from my mom because we know she wouldn't approve.

Just now, I get a phone call from her...

Mom: Hey thanks for putting me on a BLOG!
Me: What? I didn’t put you on a blog.
Mom: YES YOU DID! You sen' it to your sibs!
Me: Haha… have you been checking their school e-mails?
Mom: Yes! I have to. That’s my job! Sneaky babies...

Por Por Fell Down

Por por is Cantonese for maternal grandmother.
I receive an unexpected phone call from my mom at work:

Mom: Por Por fell down… *long pause*

Me: …well? What happened? Is she OK? Is she dead? What the hell???

Mom: No no. She’s fine. Thankfully she fell on her face.

Me: Haha, MOM!


Me: At first I thought something seriously bad happened because you didn’t say anything, but then when you were reassuring me that everything was fine, you say THANKFULLY she fell on her face. You don’t see the humor in this? 

Mom: No, I don’t. Luckily her face broke her fall instead of a bone. Major surgery can kill her!

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Tiger Penis

Around the dinner table, my family is discussing all the animals my mom has eaten…

Mom, have you ever eaten dog?
Mom: Not that I know of.
Me: What’s the weirdest  thing you’ve ever eaten?
Mom: Ummmm probably monkey brains.
Me: Ew. How about Tiger Penis?
Mom: NO WAY MAN! We were way too poor to afford that.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Hotmail Account

First Post!

What to write, what to write...

Let's go with a FOB Memory:

To set the scene, me and my little sister were trying to sign up for hotmail accounts MANY MANY years ago and, as usual, my mom was getting suspicious that we were up to no good.

Mom: What are you girls doing….

Me: Oh we’re just trying to sign up for Hotmail accounts

Mom: and just WHO..... is this HOT MALE????!?!?!?!?!!!!