Fob tip of the day: Never say "none of your business" to your fobby parent.
You might as well say: "Dearest parent, please accept this as my formal invitation to become unrelentingly obsessed with where I'm going, what I'll be doing, who will be there, if there will be drugs, and why I am keeping secrets".
I hope you've found this tip helpful.
Showing posts with label FOB FYI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FOB FYI. Show all posts
Monday, 13 January 2014
Thursday, 17 October 2013
Mode and Miwdew
If your parent is a fob, he/she may be concerned with the growth of "mode" or "miwdew" in their dated 90s bathroom.
I know mine is.
I know mine is.
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
Signs you Were Raised by an Asian Immigrant Parent
This is pretty accurate. Not bad, Buzzfeed: 27 Signs You Were Raised By Asian Immigrant Parent
http://www.buzzfeed.com/daozers/27-signs-you-were-raised-by-asian-immigrant-parents
I swear my mother has a whole section under the bathroom sink dedicated to hotel toiletries. Also, we used to have a towel with a big "S" on it which my mother had stolen from a Sheraton Hotel Pool. I miss that towel.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
The FOBulous Mom Turns 1... two weeks ago...
Wow... I was totally sleeping at the wheel for this one. My blog hit the 1 year mark and I wasn't even mentally present to take note!
I guess I should share a bit of history regarding how this whole blog thing started. Not too long ago, I had discovered a website called MyMomIsAFob.com where users submit funny stories about their fobby moms. I obviously fell in love with this website as I could relate to the vast majority of the ridiculous stories. I would literally sit there in my cubicle reading these posts while violently convulsing in a vain attempt to subdue my laughter. Good times.
One day I decided I would submit a story, "Finding Emo", which would eventually make it's way onto the pages of mymomisafob.com. I had a pretty good response when I shared this with my facebook friends, so I decided I'd share a few more stories on facebook.
As I continued to follow the fobby stories, the gals over at mymomisafob apparently decided it was time to take a break and I was left with no more fobby stories to read. It was then that I decided I would start my own blog, if not for my friends, for my own personal amusement. Slowly but surely, I began the process of documenting the various stories of my mother which I had committed to memory, as wells some new gems.
I guess I should thank MyMomIsAFob for taking a well-deserved break since that was ultimately the catalyst for me to start my blog. Thanks guys!
And what kind of reflective post would this be if I didn't mention the woman who inspired this whole mess: my mother dearest. If it werent' for my mother, I wouldn't have had the deranged upbringing and outlook on life that I have now. From day one, my mother has stayed true to her Tiger mom stripes. Never one to deviate from stereotypes, she's been known to cook a mean stir fry, bust a few skulls for bad grades, and retrieve food/commodities out of the garbage for safe-keeping. I owe my mom a lot of thanks for teaching me some valuable life lessons too. Among them is to always be grateful for what you have, to respect your elders, to finish your food, and to not become a slut. Actually, perhaps the most important lesson my mom has taught me was that life isn't fair. This was exceptionally evident when I was the only sibling who didn't receive an iPod as a graduation present. But the true lesson in there is that $hit happens in life. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Either way the only thing you can control is yourself, so you might as well bust your a$$ so you can be of some use to society... at least that's my interpretation.
Lastly, but not leastly, I would like to give a shout out to you, the reader! Without someone to give two-$hits about this blog, well... I'd probably still write it, but it would be a lot more depressing for me to do so. I thank you. I am always so pleasantly surprised to find that someone can relate to me or thinks my stupid stories are amusing. I am also so confused as to how people from other countries have managed to find my blog... confused yet delighted!
I would like to give a big shout out to some of my readers in other countries! Here are some of the countries who are currently blowing my mind:
Dwo je!
I guess I should share a bit of history regarding how this whole blog thing started. Not too long ago, I had discovered a website called MyMomIsAFob.com where users submit funny stories about their fobby moms. I obviously fell in love with this website as I could relate to the vast majority of the ridiculous stories. I would literally sit there in my cubicle reading these posts while violently convulsing in a vain attempt to subdue my laughter. Good times.
One day I decided I would submit a story, "Finding Emo", which would eventually make it's way onto the pages of mymomisafob.com. I had a pretty good response when I shared this with my facebook friends, so I decided I'd share a few more stories on facebook.
As I continued to follow the fobby stories, the gals over at mymomisafob apparently decided it was time to take a break and I was left with no more fobby stories to read. It was then that I decided I would start my own blog, if not for my friends, for my own personal amusement. Slowly but surely, I began the process of documenting the various stories of my mother which I had committed to memory, as wells some new gems.
I guess I should thank MyMomIsAFob for taking a well-deserved break since that was ultimately the catalyst for me to start my blog. Thanks guys!
And what kind of reflective post would this be if I didn't mention the woman who inspired this whole mess: my mother dearest. If it werent' for my mother, I wouldn't have had the deranged upbringing and outlook on life that I have now. From day one, my mother has stayed true to her Tiger mom stripes. Never one to deviate from stereotypes, she's been known to cook a mean stir fry, bust a few skulls for bad grades, and retrieve food/commodities out of the garbage for safe-keeping. I owe my mom a lot of thanks for teaching me some valuable life lessons too. Among them is to always be grateful for what you have, to respect your elders, to finish your food, and to not become a slut. Actually, perhaps the most important lesson my mom has taught me was that life isn't fair. This was exceptionally evident when I was the only sibling who didn't receive an iPod as a graduation present. But the true lesson in there is that $hit happens in life. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Either way the only thing you can control is yourself, so you might as well bust your a$$ so you can be of some use to society... at least that's my interpretation.
Lastly, but not leastly, I would like to give a shout out to you, the reader! Without someone to give two-$hits about this blog, well... I'd probably still write it, but it would be a lot more depressing for me to do so. I thank you. I am always so pleasantly surprised to find that someone can relate to me or thinks my stupid stories are amusing. I am also so confused as to how people from other countries have managed to find my blog... confused yet delighted!
I would like to give a big shout out to some of my readers in other countries! Here are some of the countries who are currently blowing my mind:
- Canada (doi), you are my homegirl
- USA! USA!
- Россия! I obviously love Russians because they are the COOLEST!
- The UK! Bloody hell!
- Aussie, aussie, aussie! Oi, oi, oi!
- Deutschland? Danke schön!
- Oppan South Korea Style!
Dwo je!
http://www.booksicals.com/booksicals-birthday-parties
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
Nicknames Galore!
Nicknames are a huge staple in my household. We are rarely addressed by our given names when mommy dearest is at the helm of the conversation. I don't think this is necessarily a "fobby" behaviour as it is just my mom being her weird self.
When it comes to nicknames, my mom doesn't so much concern herself with the cleverness or quality of the nickname, but rather the quantity. She is quite prolific.
A good portion of the time, my mom just spews out a new nickname that no one's ever heard before, yet somehow we always know who she's talking to. Typically anything that starts with a B, G, H and M is a nickname for my sister, and anything that starts with a B, D, F, P, S, T and W is a nickname for my brother. Even though my brother and sister both share the letter B we can almost always distininguish which nickname belongs to who.
Anyways, for your reading pleasures here is a condensed (yes condensed) summary of the more common names we hear around my house:
I think it's worth noting the uneven distribution of nicknames across family members. I have a theory that the number of nicknames you have is in direct correlation with how much my mom loves you. Further study is required...
When it comes to nicknames, my mom doesn't so much concern herself with the cleverness or quality of the nickname, but rather the quantity. She is quite prolific.
A good portion of the time, my mom just spews out a new nickname that no one's ever heard before, yet somehow we always know who she's talking to. Typically anything that starts with a B, G, H and M is a nickname for my sister, and anything that starts with a B, D, F, P, S, T and W is a nickname for my brother. Even though my brother and sister both share the letter B we can almost always distininguish which nickname belongs to who.
Anyways, for your reading pleasures here is a condensed (yes condensed) summary of the more common names we hear around my house:
| Little Brother | Little Sister | Me | My Father |
| Baboon | Boger | Devil Chil' | Ol' man |
| Baboonski | Boger Noger | Tud | |
| Bean Counting Ben | Buji | ||
| Beep Bop | Buji Wuji | ||
| Ben | Go Go | ||
| Billy | Goo Goo | ||
| Billy Bee | Gugalucki | ||
| Boon | Guganucki | ||
| Din Din | Ho Ho | ||
| Ding Dong | Ho Ho Nuck Nuck | ||
| Dinsey | Ho Ho Ro Ro | ||
| Fi fi | Mega Goo | ||
| Fila Lila | Mo Mo | ||
| Fila Lila Jing Jong | |||
| Fila Lila Jing Jong Sing Song | |||
| Fila Lila Loonski | |||
| Pi pa | |||
| Pi pa poon | |||
| Poo | |||
| Sing sing | |||
| Sing song | |||
| Tin Tin | |||
| Tinsey | |||
| Wiggle Wam | |||
| Wing Wam |
I think it's worth noting the uneven distribution of nicknames across family members. I have a theory that the number of nicknames you have is in direct correlation with how much my mom loves you. Further study is required...
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Where are u?
My fobby mom can be quite the annoying little lady. One of her evermore irritating habits is asking "Where are u?"
Not only does she ask me ALL THE FREAKING TIME, but she always has a subsequent question which, more often than not, has nothing to do with where I am.
For example, she will ask me "where are u?" and I will say "I'm at home" and then she will say "Are you free for dinner next week?"
I think her obsession over the whereabouts of her children stems from a fob mother's constant fear that her children are hanging out with drug dealers and/or rapists.
I swear my first words as a baby must've been "Where are u?"
Not only does she ask me ALL THE FREAKING TIME, but she always has a subsequent question which, more often than not, has nothing to do with where I am.
For example, she will ask me "where are u?" and I will say "I'm at home" and then she will say "Are you free for dinner next week?"
I think her obsession over the whereabouts of her children stems from a fob mother's constant fear that her children are hanging out with drug dealers and/or rapists.
Sometimes I can't help but snap after a while
...and sometimes I just ignore her.
I swear my first words as a baby must've been "Where are u?"
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Fobby Food
This post is a compilation of a few stories about my mom's special relationship with food.
Two Pots of Rice:
If you were to walk into my parents' house right this very instant, you would see two pots of rice on the stove; an old pot and a fresh pot. The old pot is typically whatever didn't get eaten the day before, or the day before that. The fresh pot is usually no more than a day old.
Since the "two pot" phenomenon arose as a result of my mom's inability to throw away food, she is solely responsible for eating the old rice, and is strictly forbidden from eating the fresh rice.
However, every now and again we catch her trying to sneak the old rice into my dad's lunch. Nice try, buster!
Mommy's Ham:
Old rice isn't the only thing my mom sneaks into my dad's diet. One time, she was making macaroni and cheese for herself and my father. She cut up some of "her ham" and deliberately mixed it in with the macaroni and served some to my dad.
After a couple hours, my dad started to feel a little sick. It didn't take long before the hints of indigestion turned into a full blown gwai lo diarrhea attack!
We busted our mom for sneaking her rotten ham into my dad's macaroni, but ultimately it was my dad who paid the price.
Digging into the Archives:
A couple of years ago my family and I were "de-frogging" our freezer and as we were emptying its contents we found some meats in there from the late 90s.
Still, she wasn't going down without a fight. My little brother had to literally restrain our 95 lb mother as my sister and I chucked the frozen meat. Sorry mom :)
Two Pots of Rice:
If you were to walk into my parents' house right this very instant, you would see two pots of rice on the stove; an old pot and a fresh pot. The old pot is typically whatever didn't get eaten the day before, or the day before that. The fresh pot is usually no more than a day old.
Since the "two pot" phenomenon arose as a result of my mom's inability to throw away food, she is solely responsible for eating the old rice, and is strictly forbidden from eating the fresh rice.
However, every now and again we catch her trying to sneak the old rice into my dad's lunch. Nice try, buster!
Mommy's Ham:
Old rice isn't the only thing my mom sneaks into my dad's diet. One time, she was making macaroni and cheese for herself and my father. She cut up some of "her ham" and deliberately mixed it in with the macaroni and served some to my dad.
After a couple hours, my dad started to feel a little sick. It didn't take long before the hints of indigestion turned into a full blown gwai lo diarrhea attack!
We busted our mom for sneaking her rotten ham into my dad's macaroni, but ultimately it was my dad who paid the price.
Digging into the Archives:
A couple of years ago my family and I were "de-frogging" our freezer and as we were emptying its contents we found some meats in there from the late 90s.
As we began tossing the ancient meat, my mom began her full-scale fob protest.
Despite the fact that my mom could probably pound back a few 15 year old bison burgers without even triggering her gag reflex, we had a sneaking suspicion that the old meat would probably just get forgotten in the freezer for another 15 years. So we decided to put our foot down and stand up to our little mother.
Still, she wasn't going down without a fight. My little brother had to literally restrain our 95 lb mother as my sister and I chucked the frozen meat. Sorry mom :)
My mom's prefered use of free return address labels
Click on the picture to read what she wrote!
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Do You Have a Fob in the House?
Do you think you have a fob living in your house? Are you unsure? How would you know if you did?
In today's post I will be helping you identify some key signs that you may have a fob living in your midst. I have taken pictures from inside a REAL fob habitat to help you know what to look for.
1.
Let's start with an obvious one: the T&T plastic grocery bags. If you see lots of these mofos around the house, chances are you've got a fob on your hands.
2.
Thousand Year Old Duck Eggs. No fob household goes without.
3.
Unnecessary note indicating whether the dishwasher has been run, which is always left on the fridge.
4.
Plentiful Tsu Tsing Yat Ding or Gong Jai Mein.
5.
Bamboo shoots and what appears to be canned shrimp.
6.
An entire closet full of school supplies. A lifetime of school supplies can come in handy... NEVER.
7.
Shit-packed freezer. It is important for fobs to keep freezer burnt ham at the bottom of the freezer so he/she can reach the items at the top.
8.
Box of receipts. To be kept, but never to be touched.
9.
Miss-matched bedding. Who needs matching bedding? Everything in a fob household stays in-style FOREVER!
10.
Nowhere to sit. Junk is too important.
11.
Various assortment of junk on the bedside table. Notice the SanDisk and miscellany in the ziploc bag, the no-name ointment, and the hello kitty drawstring bag.
12.
A shit-packed armoir / A sweater for any occasion.
13.
An easter basket holding a lampshade.... or is it a lampshade holding an easter basket?
14.
The ever important Susan Boyle CD.
15.
Rubber bands where you'd least expect...
16.
"Mom, where did I leave the nail clippers, multi-colour ballpoint pen,
broken pencil and miniature screw-driver?"
"Did you check in the crystal swan????"
"Oh right! DUH!"
17.
Corner clutter. A fob household with clutter pushed into the corner or stacked in piles
against the wall is a tidy fob household indeed.
18.
Slippers.
19.
Slippers....
20.
Slippers....
21.
And more slippers....
22.
Other people's slippers...
23.
Oh and if none of those were a dead giveaway, the crazy lady stirring the Crystal Light in a Campbells soup mug with a chopstick calling you an "IDIOT" will do the trick.
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Accurately Racist Wallet
This wallet pretty much exemplifies how fobs feel about gifts from their children:
After a lifetime of conditioning, I've come to the understanding that my gift offerings are futile. Despite this, year after year my siblings and I invariably end up buying our mother a present expecting a different reaction each time.
The only thing we've figured out in the past 20 some odd years is that my mom will always appreciate slippers no matter how many pairs she's already hoarded.
After a lifetime of conditioning, I've come to the understanding that my gift offerings are futile. Despite this, year after year my siblings and I invariably end up buying our mother a present expecting a different reaction each time.
The only thing we've figured out in the past 20 some odd years is that my mom will always appreciate slippers no matter how many pairs she's already hoarded.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Organize Your Junk!
In today's post I'm going to use my fob skillz to help you ORGANIZE YOUR JUNK!
Despite my very best efforts, I can't help but exhibit certain fob-traits which I have no doubt inherited from my mother. One of my bad fobby habits is how I compulsively collect those darn paper shopping bags! Now, I definitely would not consider myself to be a hoarder, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to throw those suckers into the trash!
Luckily for me, I've recently discovered that I can put my hoarded shopping bags to good use! With a few snips, my shopping bags go from collecting dust in the closet to corralling junk under my sink in seconds!
First what you do is fold your paper bag and line up your scissors with the bottom edge for a straight cut:
Then you cut off the top like so:
Then you marvel at the endless possibilities for storing your cr@p!
And finally, you insert your junk and weep over the realization that you've turned out just like your crazy parents:
And that's how it's done, folks.
Monday, 28 May 2012
Average Asian Aging
Someone showed this to me over the weekend. It's so true!
I hope my asian genes keep me good till menopause. However, I must admit I'm looking forward to the permed hair, fleece jacket and wheelie grocery bag!
Not too long ago, my mom did her after-degree in Education, and her practicum was with a grade 1 class. One of the little girls in the class invited my mom to her birthday party, and this is what my mom had to say:
Mom: Oh thank you for inviting me, but I think you should invite kids your own age.
Girl: You're right. You're really old.
Mom: *mildly offended* Well how old do you think I am?
Girl: I don't know... about Sixteen?
My mom definitely doesn't look 16, but that still made her day.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
T.A.S.
My mom, like many fob mothers out there, suffers from an affliction known in the medical community as TAS or "Tiny Asian Syndrome". As of now, there is no known cure for TAS, and doctors have only recently been able to understand and diagnose it. However, new research has been shining some light onto the previously unknown condition. Below is a list of characteristics used to diagnose patients with TAS:
As stated previously, the distinguishing vest continues to perplex scientists around the world. There is some speculation that fobs suffering from TAS have cold bodies and hot arms, but this has yet to be substantiated through research.
If you would like more information on TAS, please call the TAS hotline at 1-800-YOU-RTINY.
- Subject weighs no more than 100 lbs
- Wears shoes with thick soles to increase height
- Has a tiny back-pack or sling purse to appear relatively larger
- Uses a change purse to carry coins and rolled up bills due to overcrowded wallet
- Only understands shame in the context of their children embarrassing them, not the other way around.
- Wears glasses/uses clip-ons
- Wears a vest all year round for reasons unknown to humanity
- Speaks loudly and has no indoor-voice
- Has long, stabby nails
As stated previously, the distinguishing vest continues to perplex scientists around the world. There is some speculation that fobs suffering from TAS have cold bodies and hot arms, but this has yet to be substantiated through research.
If you would like more information on TAS, please call the TAS hotline at 1-800-YOU-RTINY.
Pictured above is a subject with full-blown T.A.S.
Friday, 27 April 2012
Learn to Speak FOB S'More
It's that time again! I first exposed you to the FOB language in my post entitled Learn to Speak FOB. I hope you've been practising because I have some more phrases for you to "tess" drive!
I have listed the phrases in english with the FOB translations given below in brown.
Let's Begin: English
FOB
We are going to the Easter Vigil.
We are going to the Easter Virgil.
Is that a dyson ball?
Is that a tyson ball?
My hair isn't black, it's brown
My hair isn't blown, it's brack
Doctors have to take the Hippocratic Oath
Doctors have to take the Autocratic Oath
This time it would be worse
This time it would be worst
I'll just make something nice and simple
I'll just make something nice and simpey
What kind of cake mix do you want? Super Moist?
What kind of cake mix do you want? Mois' and Simpo?
I gotta buy Por Por some So Nice soy milk.
I gotta buy Por Por some So Nicey soy milk.
Did you vote?
Did you foe?
I think I'm gonna stop over in Vancouver then head over to Tofino for a bit.
I think I'm gonna stop over in Fangcouver then head over to Torfino for a bit.
Was it a Toshiba?
Was it a Torshiba?
I like Tostitos.
I like Torstitos.
I have to look after the rug-rats.
I have to look after the rick-rats.
Did you hear that Brendan? We're DOOMED!
Did you hear that Brendan? We're DOOM!
I'm pooped!
I'm poop!
I was drifting in and out of sleep.
I was driffin' in and out of sleep.
I'm in a good mood.
I am a good mood.
Try some of this crab dip.
Try some of this crap dip.
Is the ice cream defrosted yet?
Is the ice cream de-frogged yet?
In Fort McMurray they are all Newfies on their way back to Newfoundland!
In Fort McMurray they are all Newfies on their way back to Newfie!
After today you should be be revelling in your mastery of FOB lingo!
I have listed the phrases in english with the FOB translations given below in brown.
Let's Begin: English
FOB
We are going to the Easter Vigil.
We are going to the Easter Virgil.
Is that a dyson ball?
Is that a tyson ball?
My hair isn't black, it's brown
My hair isn't blown, it's brack
Doctors have to take the Hippocratic Oath
Doctors have to take the Autocratic Oath
This time it would be worse
This time it would be worst
I'll just make something nice and simple
I'll just make something nice and simpey
What kind of cake mix do you want? Super Moist?
What kind of cake mix do you want? Mois' and Simpo?
I gotta buy Por Por some So Nice soy milk.
I gotta buy Por Por some So Nicey soy milk.
Did you vote?
Did you foe?
I think I'm gonna stop over in Vancouver then head over to Tofino for a bit.
I think I'm gonna stop over in Fangcouver then head over to Torfino for a bit.
Was it a Toshiba?
Was it a Torshiba?
I like Tostitos.
I like Torstitos.
I have to look after the rug-rats.
I have to look after the rick-rats.
Did you hear that Brendan? We're DOOMED!
Did you hear that Brendan? We're DOOM!
I'm pooped!
I'm poop!
I was drifting in and out of sleep.
I was driffin' in and out of sleep.
I'm in a good mood.
I am a good mood.
Try some of this crab dip.
Try some of this crap dip.
Is the ice cream defrosted yet?
Is the ice cream de-frogged yet?
In Fort McMurray they are all Newfies on their way back to Newfoundland!
In Fort McMurray they are all Newfies on their way back to Newfie!
After today you should be be revelling in your mastery of FOB lingo!
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Like Me!
I have started a facebook page for The FOBulous Mom. If you find Her Royal Fobbiness amusing, you should consider moseying on down to FB and "Liking" her page!
I've compiled a list of ten reasons why you may want to "Like" The FOBulous Mom:
Stay in-the-know with updates and new posts sent directly to your newsfeed! Don't delay! The FOBulous Mom is a click away!
http://www.facebook.com/TheFOBulousMom
I've compiled a list of ten reasons why you may want to "Like" The FOBulous Mom:
- You have a fobby parent
- You like to read about fobs
- You like to laugh
- You like to laugh at fobs
- You like chinese food
- You are easily amused
- You are related to me and should therefore feel obligated to support me
- You enjoy mild racism
- You have no idea what a fob is
- You have body odour
Stay in-the-know with updates and new posts sent directly to your newsfeed! Don't delay! The FOBulous Mom is a click away!
http://www.facebook.com/TheFOBulousMom
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Learn to Speak FOB
My mom grew up speaking Cantonese at home, even after her family had immigrated to Canada. Needless to say, English is her second language.
While my mom can speak English very well, she speaks FOB way better.
In today's post, I will be teaching you how to say some basic phrases in FOB so you too can communicate with the exceptionally fobby. I have listed some phrases in english with the FOB translations given below in brown.
Let's Begin: English
FOB
I've been picking up the slack when it comes to the chores.
I've been serving you on hands and feet.
That house offers more bang for your buck.
That is more house for your bang.
When I get dressed up I can tell people ogle me.
When I get dressed up people google me on the street.
Some babies take a while to get cute.
Some babies are homely as hell.
He's built like a brick shitter!
He's built like a shit brick-house!
I see you've been enjoying the Holidays!
Waaaa... you got so fat!
You are a bridezilla.
You are a brazilla.
Those bones.
Dem bongks.
She's just enamoured with him.
She's just inarmour with him.
Honey Bunches of Oats
Hunches Bunches of Oaks
Oikos Greek Yogurt
Oinkos Greek Yogurt
Ouch, my wrist!
Ouch, my wrisk!
Good game! You sure whacked the other team's butt!
Good game! You sure got their butts waxed!
Velociraptor
Falopseraptor
Ah, I'll finally get to meet the fictitious Vickie.
Ah, I'll finally get to meet the victicious Fickie.
You look like you could use a sweater.
You look like a prostitute.
So hopefully by now you can speak FOB conversationally when the occasion arises :)
While my mom can speak English very well, she speaks FOB way better.
In today's post, I will be teaching you how to say some basic phrases in FOB so you too can communicate with the exceptionally fobby. I have listed some phrases in english with the FOB translations given below in brown.
Let's Begin: English
FOB
I've been picking up the slack when it comes to the chores.
I've been serving you on hands and feet.
That house offers more bang for your buck.
That is more house for your bang.
When I get dressed up I can tell people ogle me.
When I get dressed up people google me on the street.
Some babies take a while to get cute.
Some babies are homely as hell.
He's built like a brick shitter!
He's built like a shit brick-house!
I see you've been enjoying the Holidays!
Waaaa... you got so fat!
You are a bridezilla.
You are a brazilla.
Those bones.
Dem bongks.
She's just enamoured with him.
She's just inarmour with him.
Honey Bunches of Oats
Hunches Bunches of Oaks
Oikos Greek Yogurt
Oinkos Greek Yogurt
Ouch, my wrist!
Ouch, my wrisk!
Good game! You sure whacked the other team's butt!
Good game! You sure got their butts waxed!
Velociraptor
Falopseraptor
Ah, I'll finally get to meet the fictitious Vickie.
Ah, I'll finally get to meet the victicious Fickie.
You look like you could use a sweater.
You look like a prostitute.
So hopefully by now you can speak FOB conversationally when the occasion arises :)
Thursday, 22 March 2012
FOB Printing Instructions
Many mundane tasks may seem simple at first glance, but luckily for you, your fobby parent knows better. You might notice your fobby parent leaving behind notes all around the house. Don't ignore them or throw them into the trash. Trust them to help you navigate these potentially complicated/dangerous situations. The fobby parent knows not to be fooled by the guise of simplicity!
Here is a picture I took of the handy dandy printing instructions my mom taped to the top of the family printer. It may look like your garden variety single sided printer, but my mother has uncovered its hidden potential of becoming an efficient one-page-at-a-time double sided printing marvel!
Behold:
Aah the perks of a FOB-run household.
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
FOBs 101
What you need to know about FOBs
The FOB (plural FOBs), known taxonomically as Fobo sapien, is a mammal which comprises the Fobbae family. Predominantly originating from Asia, the modern day FOB typically resides in North America, Australia, and certain parts of Western Europe.
FOBs are an industrious people that are highly adept at using simple tools found in their natural habitat. Some notable examples include: using tape to affix phone numbers onto a programmable phone, gluing cardboard onto magnets so they don’t mark-up the fridge, using chop sticks to cram frozen juice down a funnel, stuffing an old shirt into a crack on the porch to prevent small objects from falling in, converting old boxes into handy storage units for junk, and using Saran-wrap/Ziploc bags to protect household items.
The FOB diet mostly consists of rice, noodles, freezer burnt ham from 1997, and various over-ripe fruits and vegetables. FOBs do not typically hunt in packs but they often rely on their children to text them grocery lists. Reports of adult FOBs consuming Pocky and bubble tea are unconfirmed.
In their natural habitat, FOBs are most comfortable wearing slippers and vests, and enjoy watching American Idol. Failing to PVR an episode of American Idol on behalf of an elderly FOB is considered an insult of the highest order in FOB culture.
FOBs have been noted to exhibit the following innate behaviors:
The FOB diet mostly consists of rice, noodles, freezer burnt ham from 1997, and various over-ripe fruits and vegetables. FOBs do not typically hunt in packs but they often rely on their children to text them grocery lists. Reports of adult FOBs consuming Pocky and bubble tea are unconfirmed.
In their natural habitat, FOBs are most comfortable wearing slippers and vests, and enjoy watching American Idol. Failing to PVR an episode of American Idol on behalf of an elderly FOB is considered an insult of the highest order in FOB culture.
FOBs have been noted to exhibit the following innate behaviors:
· Criticizing their children for spending too much money
· Driving slowly
· Bringing their own candy to the movie theatres
· Always snooping on their kids
· Never appreciating birthday presents
· Pressuring their children to become doctors, lawyers and engineers
· Never wanting to throw anything away
· Collecting elastics
· Keeping slippers in every corner of the house
· Not allowing their children to date
· Assuming their children are hanging out with drug dealers and/or rapists
· Not believing in sleepovers
· Always providing opinions on restaurant food
· Not accepting anything less than straight As
· Always concerned about the level of gas in the car
· Telling you your fat
· Forcing you to eat
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