Sometimes my Uncle is a Fob

We had my out-of-town uncle over for thanksgiving and he was entertaining us with some stories from his recent trip to China. Apparently, some of the gwai los on his trip fell victim to pick-pockets while he avoided being swindled due to his heightened alertness. In typical fob fashion, he started to give us young folk tips on how to travel safely and protect ourselves from bad people. He went on to describe how nowadays the Chinese thieves are using tongs to reach into your pockets to steal your wallet and/or cigarettes so we need to keep all our valuables hidden inside our vests. He even gave us a straight-up Zorro-style demonstration using the tongs he grabbed out of the vegetable bowl on the dinner table.

Not to be outdone by my uncle's clear fob supremacy, my mother proudly announced that she too is a very clever traveler by exclaiming "I told ga jie to buy a decoy wallet from the dollar store to put above her real wallet!"

http://skinnygirlsandmayo.com/2012/01/27/good-gadget-bad-gadget-pt-v/

Nicely done, One-uppington!

Mode and Miwdew

If your parent is a fob, he/she may be concerned with the growth of "mode" or "miwdew" in their dated 90s bathroom.

I know mine is.

Chinese Food

So this happened...

The guy responsible for Rebecca Black's "Friday" has struck again, this time, with a song about Chinese Food. I'm sure some people will say that this video is racist, but I think this video is great. What's not to like? The catchy beat, poetic lyrics, ever changing subtitle language, inexplicable clubbing of a 10 year old girl, Japanese geishas dancing at a chinese restaurant, greasy north-americanized chinese food, and a creepy panda... seems like the ingredients of a family-friendly hit to me!

The Hair Elastic

My mom came over to my house and I noticed that her hair was tied back with one of these...

I guess if it can hold your broccoli together then there's no reason why it can't keep your hair out of your face. Resourceful.

Fob Digs Out a Clogged Pore

Eeeeewwwwww

Click the link below for video

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1412415908977415

So... I'm fat, right?

Short post today. I'll admit to being a tad bit lazy with the blogging as of late, but I promise I'll be better soon!

Anywho... to expand on my previous post, I was pestering my mother again for being fat because it amuses me so. This time, her response was: "You think I'm fat? Hey everyone, look at Erin's gut! Erin is the bagel girl! BAGEL GIRL!"

Nice.

Interestingly enough though, my mom proceeded to invite me over for dinner a few days later where she stated: "I will fatten you up so you can give me GRANDSON!"

Well that escalated quickly...

So Fat!

For those of you who are fortunate enough to have fob parents, you will surely know the joy that comes with a lifetime of having your weight carefully monitored and scrutinized.

As far back as I can remember, my mother has always been on mine and my sister's cases when it came to our weight. For example, if I were to be wearing a tighter shirt after a hearty meal, my mother would sometimes request that I remove my "bagel" from her field of vision. If you are asking yourself "what in tarnation is a bagel?", you will be enlightened to know that a "bagel" is a term my mother invented to describe the circle of fat that surrounds one's belly button. Now, I wouldn't exactly describe myself as fat, but I guess by Chinese standards you could say I'm an XXL.

But don't feel bad for me. I'm used to it. Just like I'm used to being called "idiot" and "ungrateful". It just comes with the territory. Actually, it's kind of funny now that I'm older realizing not every kid grew up being told they were fat pieces of garbage who needed to get better grades. (White kids need not be offended on my behalf... it's cool)

Anyways... as of late, my normally petite mother has put on a little bit of weight. Seeing as how I am a wonderful daughter, I decided that I would give my mother a taste of her own medicine, even though she'd probably only put on like 5 lbs. Still, if nothing else, it would be an interesting social experiment to see how she'd react.

Me: Hey mom. You got fat.

Mom: Yeah so?

As predicted... she didn't seem to be phased so I decided to kick it up a notch.

Me: Are you angry that you're fatter than me now?

Expecting her to be at least a LITTLE offended that I was implying her bagel had now surpassed mine, she had the following response:

Mom: Why would I be angry? Mommy's allow to be fat because she's ol'. Not you though.

Nope... still unphased.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daozers/27-signs-you-were-raised-by-asian-immigrant-parents

Boulevard Watches

"Your brother is so stupid! What does he want to buy now? One of those... what is it call...  Boulevar' watches?"

http://www.swissvintagewatches.com/u200.html

Same Pants

So one day I was wearing a pair of mint green jeans to my parents' house and my mom piped up:

Mom: Hey I have those same pants!

Me: Oh really??? *Surprised that my mom would actually buy stylish pants like moi*

Mom: YA! Did you get those from HMV????

Me: Uuuhhhhhh......

My Sister: Oh my GAWD, Mother. You got them from H&M.

Mom: Oh.

Me: Nice attempt at being cool though.

Fact: My mom will never be cool.

http://heyyoushouldbuythis.tumblr.com/page/2

The Lint Lady

I was at my parents' house the other day when I saw my mother perched in the dryer like so:

When I asked her what she was doing in the dryer, she stated that she was cleaning out the lint trap. Obviously she was doing a very thorough job as she was digging around in there for quite awhile.

When she finally emerged, I understood why she was really going to town on that thing. I snapped the resulting pic:

I guess chopsticks are good for more than just eating, cramming frozen juice down a funnel, and mixing paint!

The Raincoat

Here is a picture of my mother trying on her raincoat before her vacation. I don't know who looks fobbier; her in her raincoat, or me in her tourist hat.

Mommy dearest is always happy to pose for pictures of undisclosed intent

HELLO! WHICH WAY TO THE SPACE MOUNTAIN?????

Disney's Hiring Policy

My parents just came back from a Disneyland vacation and my mom was telling us some stories from their trip.

Mom: Hey Dad, remember when we were at the Star Wars line and the Chinese worker came out and he kep' sayin' "FORM TWO LINE! FORM TWO LINE!" but I guess nobody could understand him but me! That's why I stand next to you. I think I was the only other Chinese person there. You white people didn't know what to do HAHAH!

Dad: Well I couldn't really make out was he was saying so I just ignored him.


Mom: I was actually surprised to see a Chinese operator in the park. Usually Disney is pretty good about only hiring white people.

Oh she is SO not hired

Thoughts...

Just thinking about Boston now. Hoping the victims see justice and get answers soon.

Preparing for Another Vacation

I went to my parents' house yesterday, and let me tell you... it was a treasure trove of fobbery to behold. Let me start off by explaining that my family is going on yet another family vacation, so they were busy getting ready to depart.

When I got there, I noticed a woven muave-coloured baseball cap in the kitchen. I naturally assumed that it was my mother's as it was hideous and appropriate for an asian tourist.

Me: Mom, did you buy yourself a new hat for the vacation?

Mom: I bought that for your sister.

Sister: I already told you. I am NOT wearing that!

Mom: YES YOU WILL! IT WAS FOUR DOLLARS FROM THE DOLLAR STORE!

Sister: NO! I didn't ask you to buy me a hat, and that thing is friggin ugly!

The only logical next step for me was to put the hat on and photograph myself wearing it for all of you to see:

Protection from the sun's harmful rays. Check!

Mom: Oh Erin that hat looks so nice on you! You can have that hat if you want. Your sister doesn't want it anyways. It was four dollars at the dollar store, you know.

Me: No thanks.

Mom: Take it! If you like it so much you can have it!

I guess she thought my selfie-sesh meant that I liked the hat and that I thought it looked good on me.

Me: No mother. I will not be taking this baseball cap home with me today.

Then I noticed a brand new fanny pack sitting on the dining room table. Earlier in the day I'd overheard my mother expressing her disbelief at the lack of good quality fanny packs to be found at the mall. Being the loving daughter that I am, I asked my mother to model the fanny pack for me, resulting in  the following picture. Of course my mother obliged as she saw nothing wrong with my request.

Yeah my mom plays bball. No biggie.

Soon after this, I had to be on my way. My mother had packed up a few perishables for me to take home, as she wouldn't be able to keep them in the fridge for the duration of the trip.

Along with the bags of groceries my mom handed me a small piece of paper and said:

Mom: Here. You get a chunky soup.

Oh mother. You shouldn't have! How can I accept this???

I thought the generosity had stopped there... but wait... it wasn't over yet! When I returned home, I unpacked my bag of goodies. My mom had sent me home with a carton of eggs, some yogurt, and some leftovers, but at the bottom of the grocery bag, I found a container of over-ripe strawberries! The only thing that could have made this day better is if the strawberries were in a fob-approved transportation unit.

Oh yum! I can just imagine how fresh these would have been a week ago!

The fobbery continues...

Signs you Were Raised by an Asian Immigrant Parent

This is pretty accurate. Not bad, Buzzfeed: 27 Signs You Were Raised By Asian Immigrant Parent

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daozers/27-signs-you-were-raised-by-asian-immigrant-parents

I swear my mother has a whole section under the bathroom sink dedicated to hotel toiletries. Also,  we used to have a towel with a big "S" on it which my mother had stolen from a Sheraton Hotel Pool. I miss that towel.

The FOBulous Mom Turns 1... two weeks ago...

Wow... I was totally sleeping at the wheel for this one. My blog hit the 1 year mark and I wasn't even mentally present to take note!

I guess I should share a bit of history regarding how this whole blog thing started. Not too long ago, I had discovered a website called MyMomIsAFob.com where users submit funny stories about their fobby moms. I obviously fell in love with this website as I could relate to the vast majority of the ridiculous stories. I would literally sit there in my cubicle reading these posts while violently convulsing in a vain attempt to subdue my laughter. Good times.

One day I decided I would submit a story, "Finding Emo", which would eventually make it's way onto the pages of mymomisafob.com. I had a pretty good response when I shared this with my facebook friends, so I decided I'd share a few more stories on facebook.

As I continued to follow the fobby stories, the gals over at mymomisafob apparently decided it was time to take a break and I was left with no more fobby stories to read. It was then that I decided I would start my own blog, if not for my friends, for my own personal amusement. Slowly but surely, I began the process of documenting the various stories of my mother which I had committed to memory, as wells some new gems.

I guess I should thank MyMomIsAFob for taking a well-deserved break since that was ultimately the catalyst for me to start my blog. Thanks guys!

And what kind of reflective post would this be if I didn't mention the woman who inspired this whole mess: my mother dearest. If it werent' for my mother, I wouldn't have had the deranged upbringing and outlook on life that I have now. From day one, my mother has stayed true to her Tiger mom stripes. Never one to deviate from stereotypes, she's been known to cook a mean stir fry, bust a few skulls for bad grades, and retrieve food/commodities out of the garbage for safe-keeping. I owe my mom a lot of thanks for teaching me some valuable life lessons too. Among them is to always be grateful for what you have, to respect your elders, to finish your food, and to not become a slut. Actually, perhaps the most important lesson my mom has taught me was that life isn't fair. This was exceptionally evident when I was the only sibling who didn't receive an iPod as a graduation present. But the true lesson in there is that $hit happens in life. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Either way the only thing you can control is yourself, so you might as well bust your a$$ so you can be of some use to society... at least that's my interpretation.

Lastly, but not leastly, I would like to give a shout out to you, the reader! Without someone to give two-$hits about this blog, well... I'd probably still write it, but it would be a lot more depressing for me to do so. I thank you. I am always so pleasantly surprised to find that someone can relate to me or thinks my stupid stories are amusing. I am also so confused as to how people from other countries have managed to find my blog... confused yet delighted!

I would like to give a big shout out to some of my readers in other countries! Here are some of the countries who are currently blowing my mind:

• Canada (doi), you are my homegirl
• USA! USA!
• Россия! I obviously love Russians because they are the COOLEST!
• The UK! Bloody hell!
• Aussie, aussie, aussie! Oi, oi, oi!
• Deutschland? Danke schön!
• Oppan South Korea Style!

I also had some hits from Sweden but I'm pretty sure they found my blog by accident while looking for instructions on how to assemble Ikea furniture.  

Dwo je!

http://www.booksicals.com/booksicals-birthday-parties

Goldroom - Fifteen

The FOBulous Mom: your new source for HOT JAMS! Well not really... but I like this song and it features a fellow half-yellow, Chela!

Sorry, nothing fobby today folks!

My Mom on Gilbert Gottfried

My mom calls me at work today to see what my plans are for the evening...

Mom: What are you doing tonight? Can me and gogo come over for a fisit?

Me: I'm going to see Gilbert Gottfried tonight at Yuk Yuk's comedy club.

Mom: Is it a Girl-Nights-Ow?

Me: No.

Mom: Oh. You know who is Gilber Goffreeze, right?

Me: No. (I know who he is but I wanted to see what my mom would say)

Mom: He is the guy that scrunches his eye ball.

Vintage Gilber!

http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/2011/01/comedy-spotlight-gilbert-gottfried/

My Husband on "The Bachelor"

For those of you ladies who forced your man to watch the season finale of The Bachelor, know that you are not alone.

When I was watching the season finale with my gwai lo husband, this is what he had to say about Sean's choice of Catherine over Lindsay:

"So he chose the asian one... RUN SEAN! RUUUUUUUUN!!!!"

http://www.digitalspy.com/tv/s77/the-bachelor/news/a460285/bachelor-sean-lowe-on-catherine-doubts-wish-she-shared-her-dreams.html

I Love Sriracha!

This is a scene from inside my fridge. I love Sriracha so much that I can't bear to let a single drop go to waste! It's kind of fobby of me but I'm sure I'm not the only person who does this.

You know you're asian when...

The Red Envelope Snatcher

Not long after CNY my sister found this note where her red envelope used to be:

Notice her spelling and redundant use of the money symbol

 

Nicknames Galore!

Nicknames are a huge staple in my household. We are rarely addressed by our given names when mommy dearest is at the helm of the conversation. I don't think this is necessarily a "fobby" behaviour as it is just my mom being her weird self.

When it comes to nicknames, my mom doesn't so much concern herself with the cleverness or quality of the nickname, but rather the quantity. She is quite prolific.

A good portion of the time, my mom just spews out a new nickname that no one's ever heard before, yet somehow we always know who she's talking to. Typically anything that starts with a B, G, H and M is a nickname for my sister, and anything that starts with a B, D, F, P, S, T and W is a nickname for my brother. Even though my brother and sister both share the letter B we can almost always distininguish which nickname belongs to who.

Anyways, for your reading pleasures here is a condensed (yes condensed) summary of the more common names we hear around my house:

Little Brother	Little Sister	Me	My Father
Baboon	Boger	Devil Chil'	Ol' man
Baboonski	Boger Noger	Tud
Bean Counting Ben	Buji
Beep Bop	Buji Wuji
Ben	Go Go
Billy	Goo Goo
Billy Bee	Gugalucki
Boon	Guganucki
Din Din	Ho Ho
Ding Dong	Ho Ho Nuck Nuck
Dinsey	Ho Ho Ro Ro
Fi fi	Mega Goo
Fila Lila	Mo Mo
Fila Lila Jing Jong
Fila Lila Jing Jong Sing Song
Fila Lila Loonski
Pi pa
Pi pa poon
Poo
Sing sing
Sing song
Tin Tin
Tinsey
Wiggle Wam
Wing Wam

I think it's worth noting the uneven distribution of nicknames across family members. I have a theory that the number of nicknames you have is in direct correlation with how much my mom loves you. Further study is required...

The British Accent

The other day my mom left me a message on my answering machine but she was speaking with a British accent.

I've always known that her British accent was terrible, but I'd never realized until then that when she does it she just sounds extremely drunk.

Random thought for your Friday... Happy Family Day long weekend to my fellow Albertans!

The Year of the Snake

In keeping with Chinese tradition, this year my family and I rung in the Lunar New Year by having a huge family argument.

To set the scene, my mother was nagging my little brother to no end for chronically being absent for household chores and commitments, which she had reason to do. However, instead of trying to articulate the source of her perturbation, my mommy dearest thought it would be far more productive just to go around in circles saying every little thing that irritated her about my brother i.e. "Why are you so stupid!"

Having fob in my DNA I'm not one to shy away from an argument so I decided to act as the impartial third party to mediate as best as I could. Still, after a solid hour of arguing I got fed up with entertaining my mom's fob-rage.

In a final act of indifference I said (sarcastically) "Well if you're irritated with Brendan then why don't you just make up random rules for no reason?" To which she "replied I DID make up random rules for no reason but obviously that's not working!"

-_-


POST UPDATE: My mom called me yesterday to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day then she said "You made me so angry on Chinese New Year! You were so bad that I didn't want to give you any hugs!"
 

The Burger King Rant

It's been a while. I should probably post something!

My mom used to work at Burger King WAAAY back in her teenage years, and every now and again my sister and I will ask about her Burger King days to get her reminiscing. We don't ask because we're particularly interested or anything. We bring it up because, without fail, she goes on this impassioned rant about all the free burgers she ate.

Anyways here is just your general run down of my mom's un-interruptable Burger King Rant:

"Free food? You bet I had free food! I ate a chicken burger everyday with a BIG chocolate shake! And I didn't even need to order off the menu. I made it MY special way! Back then it was all free for the Burger King employees. Probably not anymore. I could have eaten anything I wanted. The best part of that job was definitely the free food. Yeah I had to wear a uniform, but the burgers were free and mommy loved the milkshakes! I am surprise I didn't gain a lot of weight from all the free food but I was a teenager. It was soooo yummy... free food is the bess! Gong gong and por por were happy I got free food."

Gotta love the visual of my mother in a 1970s Burger King uniform.

http://sighttobehold.wordpress.com/2011/07/19/ive-had-better-days-bon-qui-qui/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

Flying the Coop

If you are a fobspring you probably know that no matter how old you are your fobby parent likes to keep you on a short leash. Chances are, you have fine morals and can distinguish between "edible" and "poisonous", but just in case, your loving fob parent still demands a minimum level of contact in a day to give them peace of mind.

Because of a fob's aversion to letting their children out of their sights, many fobs out there find it difficult to grapple with the idea of their little babies leaving the nest. Conversely, many of these babies can't wait until they either fly the coop or get eaten by a hawk... whichever comes first.

I managed to spread my wings and fly into a comfy little place of my own four years ago. My siblings, on the other hand, are still stuck in the suburban fob-nest we grew up in.

Recently, my sister found out that she would be going back and forth between the University and a school near a train station for her practicum placement. I offered to have her stay with me because I live right by a train station, and it would make it easy for her to get around without needing a car.

Despite the tireless opposition from our mother dearest, my sister agreed to come over and stay with me for the week.

After the first few days of housing my sister, I decided to e-mail my mom and ask her how she'd been holding down the fort with one less kid around.

Sorry, mom!

Dollarama Stocking Stuffers

Blogger has this feature where you can see any Google searches that have directed people to your blog. For example, the other day I had two hits on my blog after someone googled "fobulous".

I was noticing that before Christmas I was getting hits on my Dollarama-rama post because of people searching "Dollarama Stocking Stuffers" on Google.

It was highly amusing to me, as I could only speculate that the people being sent to my blog were probably Chinese.

For me, this year's stocking stuffers were nothing short of fobulous.

One of the items my mother put in my stocking this year. What a whimsical gift!

Christmas Gift Ideas

With the Christmas season behind us, I will share a story that I've been holding onto until my family gift exchange had passed.

My little brother's birthday is December 10th, and somehow, every year I forget to buy him a birthday present despite being the type of person who typically finishes their Christmas shopping in November. In any event, it's always kind of a last minute challenge for me and my family to think of an original birthday gift for him, while trying to avoid any overlap with his Christmas gifts.

So anyways, my mom calls me a couple of days before my brother's birthday...

Mom: What did you get your brother for his birthday?

Me: I haven't gotten him anything yet.

Mom: Did you get him anything for Christmas yet?

Me: Yeah I'm got him a sweater, an athletic shirt, and a laser pointer for his classroom/personal amusement.

Mom: Oh ok that's perfect because I'm going to give him money.

Me: Ok then why did you need to check in with me?

Mom: To make sure we didn't get him the same thing!

I'm sure he would have been devastated...