Monday, 30 April 2012

Withholding Informasian

A long time ago, I was in the produce section of a grocery store with my mom. Standing next to us was a very confused looking white lady in the “asian vegetables section”. After staring at the vegetables for a good while, she turned to my mother and asked if she knew anything about the vegetable she was holding in her hand.

White Lady: Excuse me. Do you know what this is?

Mom: Sorry, I don’t.

Soon after that, we were on our way and my mom whispers to me...

Mom: I knew what that was… tee hee

Me: Haha. Why didn’t you help that lady?

Mom: Well why does she have to ask ME??? She just ASSUMES I know what it is???

Me: But mom, you DID know what it was.

Mom: Ya well I don’t have time to explain things to people!

Friday, 27 April 2012

Learn to Speak FOB S'More

It's that time again! I first exposed you to the FOB language in my post entitled Learn to Speak FOB. I hope you've been practising because I have some more phrases for you to "tess" drive!

I have listed the phrases in english with the FOB translations given below in brown.

Let's Begin: English

We are going to the Easter Vigil.
We are going to the Easter Virgil.

Is that a dyson ball?
Is that a tyson ball?

My hair isn't black, it's brown
My hair isn't blown, it's brack

Doctors have to take the Hippocratic Oath
Doctors have to take the Autocratic Oath

This time it would be worse
This time it would be worst

I'll just make something nice and simple
I'll just make something nice and simpey

What kind of cake mix do you want? Super Moist?
What kind of cake mix do you want? Mois' and Simpo?

I gotta buy Por Por some So Nice soy milk.
I gotta buy Por Por some So Nicey soy milk.

Did you vote?
Did you foe?

I think I'm gonna stop over in Vancouver then head over to Tofino for a bit.
I think I'm gonna stop over in Fangcouver then head over to Torfino for a bit.

Was it a Toshiba?
Was it a Torshiba?

I like Tostitos.
I like Torstitos.

I have to look after the rug-rats.
I have to look after the rick-rats.

Did you hear that Brendan? We're DOOMED!
Did you hear that Brendan? We're DOOM!

I'm pooped!
I'm poop!

I was drifting in and out of sleep.
I was driffin' in and out of sleep.

I'm in a good mood.
I am a good mood.

Try some of this crab dip.
Try some of this crap dip.

Is the ice cream defrosted yet?
Is the ice cream de-frogged yet?

In Fort McMurray they are all Newfies on their way back to Newfoundland!
In Fort McMurray they are all Newfies on their way back to Newfie!

After today you should be be revelling in your mastery of FOB lingo!

Thursday, 26 April 2012

Like Me!

I have started a facebook page for The FOBulous Mom. If you find Her Royal Fobbiness amusing, you should consider moseying on down to FB and "Liking" her page!

I've compiled a list of ten reasons why you may want to "Like" The FOBulous Mom:
  1. You have a fobby parent
  2. You like to read about fobs
  3. You like to laugh
  4. You like to laugh at fobs
  5. You like chinese food
  6. You are easily amused
  7. You are related to me and should therefore feel obligated to support me
  8. You enjoy mild racism
  9. You have no idea what a fob is
  10. You have body odour

Stay in-the-know with updates and new posts sent directly to your newsfeed! Don't delay! The FOBulous Mom is a click away!

Well Hello There!

This is a story from way back in 2006 when the Edmonton Oilers were in the Stanley Cup finals. My parents and my little brother were in future shop when they spotted star defenceman Chris Pronger. My brother was so excited to see such a huge hockey star, so my mom encouraged him to go over and talk to him.

Mom: Go up and say hello.

Brother: No way. I don't want to bother him!

Mom: What's the big deal? I'm going to go over and say hi.

Brother: No, mom! Don't!

But before my brother could stop her, she was already carting her 4'11'' self over to greet the 6'6" defenceman. My brother watched in horror as she walked right up to him and began to speak.

Mom: Well hello there Mr. Peca!

Brother: * mortified * WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING???

Pronger just looked at her, then walked away. She returned to where my dad and brother were safely observing in the distance.

Mom: Well he sure was rude!


Mom: That wasn't Mike Peca? Who the heck was he?

Yet another case of mistaken identity.... Sometimes I wonder if my mom was the reason he requested to be traded.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

My Mom on Glee

Another show my mom is obsessed with is Glee. It's another one of those shows which she watches with her mouth partially open the whole time so she is ready to burst into song!

The other day, my sister decided to ask my mom which character she'd be.

Sister: Mom, if you were a character on Glee, who would you be?

Mom: I sure as hell wouldn't be that wheelchair kid!

Sister: Haha...would you be Tina?

Mom: Screw that! I want to be the star!

Sorry Tina.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Interview Advice

My little brother had an interview so our loving mother left him a note on the fridge:

If you can't read it, it says "Din Din. Good luck & Stay clam! Love Mom".

Moms always give the best advice.

Monday, 23 April 2012

R.I.P. Led Zeppelin

My little brother is a HUGE Led Zeppelin fan. Actually, to say that he is a huge fan would be an understatement. He bleeds ZoSo.

One day a long time ago, my well-intentioned, mal-informed mother burst into my little brother's room...

Mom: Did you hear? Robert Plant is DEAD!

Brother: WHAT???

Mom: Yes. He is dead. I heard it on the radio.

Brother: I can't believe it *devastated*

My brother immediately goes on the computer to start investigating the deets:

Brother: What the hell? There is no news on his death yet. You'd think there would be more media coverage since he was in Led Zeppelin.

Mom: Led Zeppelin? He wasn't in Led Zeppelin.

Brother: What??? What are you talking about???

Mom: Robert Palmer wasn't in Led Zeppelin.


Mom: No I didn't.

Brother: OMG YOU ARE SO STUPID!!!!!! *storms off*

Mom: What's his problem?

My mom has many issues with mistaken identity.

Sunday, 22 April 2012

FOB Mom Frantically Searching for Son

Basically what's going on here is my mom going up and down and all around the house looking for my brother. She walked past him like 7 times without even noticing so my sister decided to take some video.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Asian Dad

Thanks to Jon Chan for sending this to me. Wish I had an asian dad sometimes.

Troll dad lvl: Asian - Imgur

Friday, 20 April 2012

Text Mark

I don't live at home anymore, so my mom actually LIKES spending time with me and "fisiting". Quite often she'll call me and invite me over for dinner with the promise of "yummy stir fry", "salmon", or "roass". More often than not, I am happy to take her up on a free meal, but sometimes a gal just needs to relax at home. Whenever my mom detects an ounce of reluctance in my voice, she urges me to consult my lesser-half, Mark. She has learnt that Mark is a bit more enthusiastic about a free meal because he does all the cooking around our house. My mom pulls out all the stops to convince us to come over; she is a persistent lady.

Today my mom calls me to invite us over for dinner:

Mom: So you're coming over for dinner tonight, right?

Me: Who says?

Mom: Me says.

Me: Well I'm feeling a little bit lazy and I would just like to relax at home and get a good night's sleep.

Mom: You can sleep tomorrow.

Me: No, mom. I think I'm getting sick.

Mom: Since when?

Me: What, you don't believe me?

Mom: You are fine.

Me: No I just want an evening at home for once this week.

Mom: Well what did you do yesterday?

Me: I had to go to this stupid awards gala.

Mom: You won a reward?

Me: No. I didn't win a REWARD.

Mom: Mark won a award?

Me: No. There were a lot of people there who didn't go to receive an award. There were only like 5 awards.

Mom: Was it for your P.Eng?

Me: No.

Mom: Then why would you go?

Me: It was with Mark's work people! Can't we just go to a gala without a reason???

Mom: As' Marky if he wants dinner. I bet he'll say yes.

Me: No.

Mom: Tex' him. I bet you a chocolate bar he say yes!

Me: No! I bet that chocolate bar has been under the couch for 10 years.

Mom: No. It's on the kitchen counter. Tex' him!

Me: NO!

Mom: TEX' HIM!


Mom: I dare you texing him.


My mom e-mails me. Notice the subject line:

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Google Street View

This story kind of expands on the theme of how my mom is chronically lost. She now gets lost in the digital "worl" too!

I sent my mom a link to a property listing that I've been keeping my eye on for a while. It's near my current area in downtown Edmonton, but my mom wanted to scope it out some more. To try and get a better look, she went on google street view.  

After a few minutes I get a phone call from her:

Mom: The area looks very nice, but I can't find the house... *click click click*

Me: Don't try to find the house by driving around street view. Zoom out of street view and find the address first, THEN go to street view.

Mom: Why is everything in french? Did I change my settings?

Me: I don't know. Maybe you changed your browser settings or something.

Mom: It's very nice but I still can't see the house.

Me: You should be able to see the house. All you need to do is put the address into the search bar. It's not that difficult.

Mom: OH. I'm in Gatineau Quebec.

Me: Omg. That would be why...

THEN after this, as if I already wasn't laughing hard enough...

Me: ANYWAYS the owner has significantly dropped the asking price. It was empty so I think they just want to sell it fast and move on.

Mom: Why does it want gone?

Me: Haha... why does it want gone? I don't know. I guess it's old people trying to sell.

Mom: So expensive.

Me: Yeah. We can't actually afford it. It's across the street from a ravine.

Mom: So what? It's in front of some bushes! Whoopie ding! It's a ripper-downer!

Me: I think you mean a fixer-upper.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

My Mom On Cakes

Below is a conversation between mommy dearest and I after I had been searching for a wedding cake.

Me: Hey mom, I bought a cake from Fuss Cupcakes.

Mom: FUZZ??? Sounds nasty.


Tuesday, 17 April 2012

What Blog?

Conversation I had with my mom today:

Me: Mom, the cousins say they've all been reading the blog.

Mom: Blog? What blog? OH your stupid chinese blog *rolls her eyes*

So then I told her to pose for a picture I'd post to the blog. I swear she came up with this pose all on her own. She never disappoints...

She's always wearing her trusty "vess".

Monday, 16 April 2012

NUMBER 17???

My mom has a tendency to ask me for advice or my opinion, only to throw it back in my face and disregard it completely. Now you may think that's harsh, but I'm used to it, and most of the time it's actually quite humorous...

My mom e-mailed me a link to a graduation photography website. She called me and asked me to have a look at my brother's grad proofs.

Mom: Which pictures do you like best?

Me: Umm... I think number 1 is nice. I like number 5, 8, 17 --

Mom: NUMBER 17??? He looks like a retard in number 17!

Friday, 13 April 2012

The Honorary Asians

This post is both about my stupid husband and my fobby mom.
Part 1: Since I am a half-breed, I’ve always had a “white grandma” and a “chinese grandma”.

One day I was explaining to some friends how Mark’s grandmother is a fraternal twin. He then interrupted me with a confused look on his face.
Mark: What? My grandma is not a twin!?!?”
Me: Yes she is. Your grandma Cook had a fraternal twin sister.
Mark: OOOOH you’re talking about my WHITE grandma.
Me: Mark, you are white. BOTH of your grandmas are white.
Mark: Oh right.
I guess he considers himself to be a half-breed now too. Actually, Mark is kind of an honorary Chinese person anyways since he's been accepted into the family.

Part 2: My dad is an honorary asian too!

The following conversation begins with my mom telling my little brother how proud she is of herself for raising him:
Mom: You turn out so good because of your asian parents haha!
Brother: Right… except for that dad is white.
Mom: No, he is asian because he is smart. Smart enough not to get in my way hahaha!

Thursday, 12 April 2012

It Was Probably YOU

My mom likes to blame people for stuff they didn't do. It's quite funny because not only does she blame people for stuff they didn't do, but she blames them for stuff that SHE, in fact, did. For example, if she leaves her phone in the car, she will blame you for sending her the text message which resulted in her leaving the phone in the cup holder. Or if she walks in to the room and sees you there, she will blame you for making her forget what she was looking for in the first place. Or if she drops something she will blame you for standing too close to her. You get the idea.

Another thing about my mom is whenever she knows I'm coming over, she's always waiting right there at the door for me. Heck, even when she doesn't know I'm coming she's always waiting at the door for me.


One day when I was going to my parents' house for dinner, I waltzed up the front porch and to my surprise, my mom wasn't standing there behind the screen door. Strange. So I went to turn the door-knob which I thought had certainly been unlocked in anticipation of my arrival. I was shocked to find that it was still locked. Curious. So I go ahead and ring the door bell, and immediately I hear my mom start yelling and screaming inside the house.

Again to my surprise, my sister, not my mom, answers the door. Behind her I can see my mom in the dining room wiping her chair with a damp rag.

Me: What's going on? Why is mom screaming?

Sister: She's freaking out. When she heard the doorbell ring she was like "WHO THE EFF LOCKED THE DOOR?!" And she spilled her wine all over the dining room chair. Then she was like "SOMEBODY ANSWER THE EFFING DOOR!"

Mom: Well I unlocked the door and then some IDIOT mus've locked it!!!!

Dad: Then she spilled her wine all over the chair.



Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Japanese Tsunami

When my grandfather was alive, he was not particularly fond of the Japanese. Like many old Chinese people, he has held a grudge ever since Japan invaded China way back in the day.

My grandmother, on the other hand, must have done a better job of letting it go because it doesn't quite bother her as much.

Last year when the tsunami struck in Japan, my mom was discussing making a donation to the relief fund with my grandmother. After seeing all the devastation on TV, my grandmother expressed that "it's OK to help the Japanese now", so my mom went ahead and made her donation.

So my mom and I are having a conversation and she decides to let me know what she's done:

Mom: I donated to the Japanese tsunami. Good thing Gong Gong is not around, otherwise he will not be happy! Hahahahaha!

Me: Why are you laughing?

Mom: I don't know... I think it's funny Gong Gong don't like the Japanese.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012


Below is a string of e-mails sent between me and my mommy dearest. I was asking her about some Chinese noodles because I wanted to write about them in a future post. She's never been too enthusiastic about helping me with my Chinese...


Afterwards, I was at my parents' house and I wanted to know what the name of the noodles meant.

Me: What does tsu tsing yat ding mean?

Mom: It means coming out... just a little bit in the front.

Me: That's a weird name for a brand of noodle. It's like if your wiener was hanging out the front of your pants hahahaha.

Mom: Yes.

Monday, 9 April 2012

The McSlurshy

Yesterday my mom and I were taking our out-of-town cousin, Janice, to the greyhound bus station. To kill some time beforehand, we were out shopping and I was beginning to get a bit thirsty...

Mom: Is there anywhere else we need to go?

Me: I'm done, but I really need something to drink right about now.

Mom: Ooooh let's go to McDonald's to get the new drink! The McSlush-- McFlur-- what the hell do they call their new fruit smoothies? The Mc-- Mc-- McSlurshy?

Me: I'm pretty sure they just call 'em fruit smoothies.

Sunday, 8 April 2012

Shit Asian Moms Say

If you watch this video you've basically met my mom:

Happy Easter ^.^

Saturday, 7 April 2012


This one is for my Russian readers.

A while back while surfing YouTube, I came across a cute little guy named Cheburashka. He is an adorable little character from a Russian stop-motion animation series from the 60s.

I decided to share Cheburashka's existence with my mother since she loves anything and all things "cute".

Something to note about my mom is she is easily confused and likes to answer simple questions with more questions. I can just hear her "angry-asian-mom" voice in my head...

Not exactly the response I was looking for...

Friday, 6 April 2012

Short, Sweet and Effective

One day me, my sister, and my mom were all watching Disney's Mulan.
I was in a pestering kind of mood so I decided to pick on my mom. I guess she just wanted me to shut up and watch the movie.

Me: Mom, is the story of Mulan based on your life?

Mom: It's base on my ASS!

Thursday, 5 April 2012

American Idol

I really wish I had started this blog MOONS ago when I think back on all the memories, photos, e-mails, and videos that have been lost in time. One video that would've been perfect for this blog was of my mom eating soup. Now you may not think that would make a particularly funny video, but I can assure you it was.

My sister and I had set out some soup in a tiny dipping sauce bowl and placed in it a tiny spoon. When mommy-dearest spotted the soup, she immediately began scarfing it down. In traditional Chinese fashion, she brought the bowl up to her mouth to aggressively shovel in the last little bit.

Oh well... this post is about a video that WASN'T lost in time.

As I've established before, my mom LUVS American Idol. This woman has watched every single episode for the last-- I don't know how many seasons. Forgetting to record it for her, or deleting a recording will certainly result in your demise.

Not too long ago my sister snuck some vid of my mom watching fellow asian Hee Jun Han on American Idol. You can see her kind of mouthing the words and you can tell she's definitely mesmerised! See the video below:

Like all viewers, she has her favourites and her not-so-favourites. However, since my mom is so crazy, she truly becomes "inarmour" with the contestants she likes. The contestants she doesn't like on the other hand... I'm pretty sure she genuinely wants them to die.

Spring has Arrived!

... just joking.

The fob in the picture isn't my mom... it's moi! Just thought I'd post this picture to show you how beautiful my walk to work was this morning. Why buy an airplane ticket when we have tropical weather right here?

Real fob post to come later...

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Happy Birthday to Marky!

Sometimes my mom goes off on a tangent and it's hard to know what she's trying to say. Not only does she hold the title of "worst story teller in the world", but she makes up random facts, she changes subjects without proper segues, she likes to make up her own text message abbreviations, and she frequently mispronounces words. Carrying on a conversation with her can be quite confusing at the best of times. Today's post is an example of what I mean.

The following is a string of emails sent between my mother and I on "my Marky's" birthday:

And wish him "Happy Day" I did.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Learn to Speak FOB

My mom grew up speaking Cantonese at home, even after her family had immigrated to Canada. Needless to say, English is her second language.

While my mom can speak English very well, she speaks FOB way better.

In today's post, I will be teaching you how to say some basic phrases in FOB so you too can communicate with the exceptionally fobby. I have listed some phrases in english with the FOB translations given below in brown.

Let's Begin: English

I've been picking up the slack when it comes to the chores.
I've been serving you on hands and feet.

That house offers more bang for your buck.
That is more house for your bang.

When I get dressed up I can tell people ogle me.
When I get dressed up people google me on the street.

Some babies take a while to get cute.
Some babies are homely as hell.

He's built like a brick shitter!
He's built like a shit brick-house!

I see you've been enjoying the Holidays!
Waaaa... you got so fat!

You are a bridezilla.
You are a brazilla.

Those bones.
Dem bongks.

She's just enamoured with him.
She's just inarmour with him.

Honey Bunches of Oats
Hunches Bunches of Oaks

Oikos Greek Yogurt
Oinkos Greek Yogurt

Ouch, my wrist!
Ouch, my wrisk!

Good game! You sure whacked the other team's butt!
Good game! You sure got their butts waxed!


Ah, I'll finally get to meet the fictitious Vickie.
Ah, I'll finally get to meet the victicious Fickie.

You look like you could use a sweater.
You look like a prostitute.

So hopefully by now you can speak FOB conversationally when the occasion arises :)

Monday, 2 April 2012

Poor Adele

Below is my mom's response to a picture I showed her of Adele. I don't think my mom knows what Adele looks like, but as always, what she has to say is unexpected.

Mom: Eww. I don't like Ashley Judd-- or no, Wyonna Judd... Wyonna? Wyonna.

Me: Mom, it's Adele.

Mom: OH MY GOD! That's terrible...

Me: Haha. And I think you meant "WyNOnna"

Mom: Look up Susan Boyle... she got fat.