The Burger King Rant

It's been a while. I should probably post something!

My mom used to work at Burger King WAAAY back in her teenage years, and every now and again my sister and I will ask about her Burger King days to get her reminiscing. We don't ask because we're particularly interested or anything. We bring it up because, without fail, she goes on this impassioned rant about all the free burgers she ate.

Anyways here is just your general run down of my mom's un-interruptable Burger King Rant:

"Free food? You bet I had free food! I ate a chicken burger everyday with a BIG chocolate shake! And I didn't even need to order off the menu. I made it MY special way! Back then it was all free for the Burger King employees. Probably not anymore. I could have eaten anything I wanted. The best part of that job was definitely the free food. Yeah I had to wear a uniform, but the burgers were free and mommy loved the milkshakes! I am surprise I didn't gain a lot of weight from all the free food but I was a teenager. It was soooo yummy... free food is the bess! Gong gong and por por were happy I got free food."

Gotta love the visual of my mother in a 1970s Burger King uniform.

http://sighttobehold.wordpress.com/2011/07/19/ive-had-better-days-bon-qui-qui/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

The Fob on the Bus Goes YAT YI SAM!

As a self-proclaimed urbanite, I am a staunch supporter of public transit. I myself take public transit to and from work every day. I have a car sitting at home, but I'd rather not start and finish my day with a vein-bursting road-rage sesh. As someone who works in the land development industry, I truly believe that everyone should take public transit, but I digress... that's a post for another blog!

You may already know that my sister is a brutal driver. As a result, she often opts to bus-it if she feels uncomfortable driving somewhere by herself. For anyone who's ever taken public transit, you know there's no shortage of colourful characters to behold on the bus. I myself am treated to this experience daily, and one day in particular my sister had a close encounter of her own.

One day my sister was riding the bus when she noticed a crazy Chinese lady counting out-loud to herself in her seat. "Yat... yi... sam..." She wasn't really paying the crazy lady too much attention, when all of the sudden Crazy McCrazersons comes up to my sister and says "You are showing too much fresh" in her thick Cantonese accent while pointing at my sister's exposed arms. Embarrassed and a little weirded-out, my sister just stared at the lady until she retreated back to her seat. I like to think that this lady was just carrying out her fobly duties to protect young Chinese girls from the dangers of such flagrant displays of arm skin.

http://www.brilliantbeginningspreschoolutah.com/2011/04/w-is-for-wheels-on-bus-with-recycled.html

The fob on the bus goes YAT, YI, SAM! YAT, YI, SAM! YAT, YI, SAM!

Stop Eating With Your Left Hand!

This fob memory takes place in a Chinese restaurant at a family gathering of some sort. This was quite some time ago and I don't imagine myself being much older than 15 at this point. Anyways... I was sitting across from my mother when, suddenly, she kicked me from underneath the table. I looked up at her and she looked very angry. I raised my eyebrows as if to ask "what?" and she began to whisper angrily to me.

Mom: Stop eating with your leff han'!

I was definitely eating with my right hand, as I am right-handed, but obviously my mother was tripped-up because we were facing each other, and therefore our left and right were reversed. Being the wonderful daughter that I am, I decided to mess with her.

Me: Why? I need practice.

Mom: No you don't! Stop it, Erin! It's rude!

Me: Why is it rude? I like eating with my left hand.

Mom: Because! Somebody sit next to you and wanna eat with their right han', then they are bumping into you!

Me: I don't care. I like eating with my left hand.

Mom: Oh you are gonna get it later in the car!

So "later in the car" happens, and my mom is yelling at me in front of my dad and siblings. When she was finished ripping me a new one, I pointed out the minor detail that I was, in fact, eating with my right hand, yet somehow kept my mother going for the whole dinner.

Classic family togetherness time.

I Don't Have Time for That $hit!

Whenever my mom sees either myself or my sibs log onto facebook, she immediately begins her vulture-like hover towards the computer monitor. Before you know it, she's over your shoulder saying "Hey click on that picture! Who is that? Where are they? Did they get back from their vacation? When did they leave? Did they have a baby? How come you don't see so-and-so anymore? Who are they dating now? Oh my gosh I can see her boobs! What does [insert acronym] mean? Why do they Like? Who are these people I don't know? Where does it say who their parents are?"

Next thing you know she's confiscated your laptop and she is full-on creeping on your facebook. She will literally spend a good 45 minutes in facebook-land until she's had her fill.

Surprisingly, whenever we ask her why she doesn't just get her own account, her response is always "I don't have time for that shit! I'm busy!"

-_-

Miew Dat Shit!

My friend Alex was in a promotional ad for NAIT which is a technical school for those of you who don't know. Anyways, my mom always yells at us when we don't immediately mute TV commercials as soon as they come on. Typically when we forget to mute them she reminds us by screaming "MIEW DAT SHIT!" which, when translated to English means "mute that shit".

One day, however, when Alex's commercial popped onto the screen my mom was like "HEY UNMIEW DAT SHIT! I WANNA SEE ALEX!!!!!"

To have my mom unmute the TV mid-commercial was unheard of before that day. Alex should consider that to be a compliment on the highest order! My mom even sat quietly for the entire 30 seconds!

It was a big day.

Come Pee on My Pee

As you may already know, many fobs out there have a tough time throwing anything away. My mother is no exception. Not wanting to be wasteful, she tries to incorporate hoarding and conservation into her day-to-day life.

One beautiful summer's day, my parents were returning home from running errands. As they were pulling into our crescent, my dad spotted our neighbours outside. After he pulled onto the driveway, he got out of the car and walked over to say "hello". My mom, on the other hand, got out of the car and ran into the house.

A few minutes into the neighbourly chat, my mom stuck her head out from the garage and proceeded to yell "DAAAAVID! DAAAAAVID! COME PEE ON MY PEE!"

Shocked, my dad turned to the neighbours and said "Uh.... I gotta go now, bye", and hurried back into the house.

Why my mother couldn't wait to flush the toilet... no one will ever know.

http://chosen129.org/2012/06/im-so-embarrassed.html

Gotta do the Doo

We were trying to leave the house for a family trip to Jasper and my mom was a little bit obsessed over the whole family going to the washroom before we left...

"Everybody sit down and relax! We should wait till we all need to poo."

"Stop feeding your dad. He's gonna crap!"

"You don't want to eat too much because somebody's going to poo somewhere."

"Marky, go make a doo doo."

"I would much rather go poo here than on the road!"

"Gotta do the doo!"

http://medandremedi.blogspot.ca/2012/05/can-lack-of-physical-activity-may-cause.html

The Trouble with Russ

This is what happens when my mom communicates with white people and I'm not there to translate. She was talking to my boyfriend at the time, and he was getting quite confused:

Mom: Are you having troubles with russ?

Boyfriend: What?

Mom: Russ? Do you notice russ?

Boyfriend: Who's Russ?

Mom: No. RUSS. Are you noticing russ around your wheel well? I'm getting a little russ on my car.

Boyfriend: OH. Yeah I'm getting a little bit of rust on my wheel well too.

SHUT THE F#$% UP!

This is a PG 13 rated post due to the mild language and violent fob content.

A long long time ago, my mother had a glorious moment of insanity which has become a fan favourite in my household.

She was in the kitchen doing the dishes while my sister was in the family room minding her own business and watching TV.

My sister had this folding fan which she was tap, tap, tapping on her TV tray. Being totally enthralled in her TV show, she was all of the sudden startled by my mom who screamed from the kitchen at the top of her lungs: SHUT THE F#$% UP!

Realizing that it was her constant tapping that had our mother so greatly perturbed, my sister immediately put down the fan. She must've been tapping it for like 10 minutes straight without even realizing till my mom snapped!

I can just picture my mother busily scrubbing her wok while growing evermore irritated... being pushed closer and closer to her breaking point... until finally... she cracks!

When the situation calls for it, we throw out our own "SHUT THE F#$% UP!" in our best "mom" voice to remember that legendary indiscretion.

When we bring it up now my mom just laughs as if we aren't talking about her.

The Nickname

A couple of months ago I was eagerly anticipating either a niece or a nephew. Around the dinner table, me and my family were discussing baby names.

Me: I like old school names like "Margaret"

Mom: Margaret??? The nickname would be MAGGOT!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/picture-galleries/7924099/Creepy-crawlies-Amazing-Scanning-Electron-Microscope-pictures-of-insects-and-spiders.html

Sometimes My Sister is a Fob

I am laughing to myself over a treasured memory of a tirade my sister went on some time ago. She was ranting about how she does all the chores around the house and how everyone is lazy and takes her for granted. Mid rage, she decided to settle the score by creating a TO-DO list for all the members of the household so as to distribute the work load in what she felt was an equitable manner.

At first glance, the list looked fairly standard. Dad was to take out the garbage; mom was to do the grocery shopping; yada yada yada. But then, a few lines down I read "Brendan will meow the lawn".

After I pointed out her spelling mistake, it was hard for any of us to take her seriously. I initiated the ridiculing and the rest of my family followed suit. No longer able to keep up her "tough guy" appearance, and unable to withstand the constant meowing, she stormed off in a huff. Poor gal.

Jay Ma-DOW-yun

My mom calls me...

Mom: I got you a jay ma-DOW-yun.

Me: Ok... what's that?

Mom: It's jay. A ma-dow-yun of jay.

Me: Jade?

Mom: Yes

Me: A jade ma-DOW-yun?

Mom: Yes

Me: Ok now what's a ma-DOW-yun?

Mom: You know, like a biscuit.

Me: What??? Now you've really lost me.

Mom: It's a ma-dow-yun made of jay. What's there to be loss about?

Me: Oh a JADE MEDALLION!

Mom: Ya... a jay ma-DOW-yun

New Wok

A couple of years ago when I was moving out of my parents' house, I asked my mom where I should go to buy a good wok. My mom couldn't remember where she got her crusty old wok from, so she said she'd ask my grandma for a good place to look.

In my mind, I was almost certain my grandma would recommend some "best kept secret" type place in Chinatown that only super legit Chinese people would know about. So naturally, I would become super cool and legit once I got my hands on one of their woks.

Suddenly, I was starting to get very excited to hear of this secret shop where, surely, no gwai los have been before.

After my mom had spoken to my grandma, I was eager to get the lowdown on the sweet spot:

Mom: I talk to por por about where to buy a good wok.

Me: And? Where did she say to go?

Mom: Por por says Zellers is really good for woks!

Me: Oh....

For those of you non-Canadian readers, Zellers is a large discount store like Wal-mart.

So now I guess the ancient Chinese secret is out for all to know!

http://lizetfrijters.blogspot.ca/2010_04_01_archive.html

Asian Driver

My fobby mom isn't your typical asian driver. Yes, she drives erratically, and yes she never knows where she's going, but slow she is not.

One day when my mother was driving me to school, we were stuck behind this EXTREMELY slow green Subaru in our neighbourhood. Unable to go around him, my mom began freaking out and road raging. Her go-to phrases in such situations are "GET OFF THE ROW!" and "GET LOSS YOU DIRK!"

Anyways, when the road opened up to two lanes, my mom quickly put her lead foot to use and sped past the green car. As we were passing, my mom shot a nasty look to the driver of the Subaru and made the following observation:


Mom: AAAAAASIAAAAAN..... white people gonna be freakin' out!


Oh mother.... you are so adorable when you rage.

http://www.lowbrowcustoms.com/index.php?pg=2&l=product_list&c=7

Gravel Road Blues

I don't much care for the great outdoors. I've been that way ever since I can remember.

Nevertheless, when I was a kid, my parents somehow managed to ship me off to summer camp every year, despite my ever-persistent objection.

I would tell my parents I didn't like the food; I didn't like the bugs; I got diarrhea last time. I told them about the mean kids from the year before who teased me about being short. I told them about the time I peed my pants because the outhouses were locked at night. But did they hear me out? Not a chance!

Every year I got the same patronizing speech about how it was "every child's dream" to go to summer camp, and that I should be "grateful" for the opportunity to sleep in a dirty log cabin with ten other prepubescent girls.

Needless to say, the drive down to camp became somewhat of a dark harbinger in my otherwise happy childhood. Though, one year in particular proved to be quite eventful.

My mother and I were driving down the gravel road that led up to my summer camp. We were in the final leg of our journey when, all of the sudden, we spun out in our little Acura and drove right into the ditch. We were fine but my mom was quite rattled.

Unfortunately, we made it to the hell-hole which I call summer camp, and my mother told me to try and enjoy myself.  

After what seemed like an eternity, summer camp was over and my mom was back to pick me up. I eagerly hopped into the front seat of our car and the following conversation ensued:

Mom: Erin, go sit in the back.

Me: Ok

Mom: Here is a pillow for you

Me: Thanks.

At this point, I just thought my mother was being uncharacteristically considerate, and was encouraging me to take a nap on our drive home...

Mom: If we get into another car accident, take the pillow and put it around your head!

Aaah... now there's the mother I remember!

Which Church?

My mom really likes to stock up on cold weather wear like mittens, jackets, tuques and scarves. I guess this would've worked with three young children in the house, but now that we're all grown we tend just to buy our own stuff. Still, my mom has yet to curb her habit of jumping on winter sales whenever she sees 'em.

Every now and again, my siblings and I secretly comb through the stash of unworn winter wear and donate selected items behind our mother's back. Up until recently, my mom was completely in the dark about our back door charity op.

One day I was bugging my mom about a box of shoes in the garage which she refused to get rid of.

Me: Mom, you clearly don't wear any of these shoes, so you either need to donate them, or stop buying new shoes.

Mom: I will wear them one day!

Me: No you won't! They've been in the garage for 5 years! I bet you don't even know what's in there, and you wouldn't even notice if I got rid of them and never told you!

Mom: Yes I would notice! I know what is in my house and I know what belongs to me!

Me: Well you certainly didn't notice the big donation of gloves and tuques we made!

Mom: WHAT?!?!? WHAT DID YOU GIVE AWAY?!?!?!?

Me: See, you don't even know what went missing! Proof that it's better off being used by someone else!

Mom: WHERE DID YOU GIVE ALL OUR STUFF?!?!?

I didn't want to tell my mom we had made the donation to Goodwill because one time she literally made us go back to Goodwill to retrieve a previously donated item.... I know right?!

I thought that lying to her would be the best way to keep her from wanting to get her stuff back.


Me: I donated them to a church.

Mom: *fuming* ....... WHICH. CHURCH.

FOB Mom Discovers Wikipedia

The day my mom discovered Wikipedia was a delightful day indeed.

I was sitting next to her on the couch as she was surfing on my sister's laptop. I briefly glanced over at the screen and noticed that she was on Wikipedia.

At the time, I was trying to watch TV but all I could hear was "Oooooh.... Oh yum! Oooooh yummy! Oh that's my favourite.... Oooooh yes those are nice..... Mmmmmm.... Ooooh yummy yummy! They have everything on here!"

And what, pray tell, was she reading about? Well I looked a little closer, and saw that she was scrolling around Wikipedia reading about all different types of noodles!

Mom, you never cease to amaze me.

Elevator Puke

One of my earliest memories takes me back to one particular Halloween at day care. I remember stealing candy from the other kids at the day care and eating myself into a sucrose coma. The day care ladies had to set me up with a blue mat in the corner of the room because I was so incapacitated.

Later on that day my mom came to pick me up but she needed to go back into the office for something. When we got to the elevator in her building I remember telling her that I didn't want to go inside because I felt like I was going to puke. My mom quickly dismissed my warning and yanked me into the elevator where I proceeded to puke my guts out as soon as the elevator started its ascent.

Last weekend I was re-living that cherished childhood memory with my mom.

Me: Hey mom, remember when I puked in the elevator at your office that one Halloween?

Mom: Yes. You ate too much candy.

Me: I vividly remember the janitor coming over with his trolley of cleaning supplies, but you stopped him and said "Let me clean it up. It's my kid". Then you cleaned up my barf like a good mom.

Mom: Well I felt bad. I didn't want him cleaning up your barf. Besides, he was Chinese!

My Porish Guy

I hope everyone had a nice Victoria Day long weekend! I know I sure did.

Anyways, let's shake off the cob webs with a fob memory.

When I first started dating my now husband, my mom was asking me some questions to try and fulfill her daily quota of snoopiness. "Where does he live? Where did you meet? How old is he? What do his parents do? Does he have a car?"

I'm used to the 20 questions, but I could not help but laugh at my fobby mom when she asked me one question in particular...

Mom: What's his last name?

Me: Gawlinski

Mom: How do you spell? G-O-R...

Me: Hahaha oh dear god.


Not only did my mom fulfill her quota for snoopiness, but she also fulfilled her quota for reaffirming fob stereotypes. Although, I'm sure Gorinski is a wonderful polish name.

http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/non_aviation/read.main/303466/

Are You...?

This story is ripped straight from the history books of yours truly. In the not-so distant past, I used to have REALLY REALLY bad skin. Imagine the most horrific thing you've ever seen, then  put eyes on it, and that's what my face used to look like. Many people who didn't know me back then don't believe that it was as bad as I describe, but I can assure you it was bad. I was like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, only minus the turtle and the ninja. Needless to say, I didn't exactly have boys banging down the door to my boudoir.

Anywho, I decided to take the oriental approach to adolescence, and focus more on my studies than boys. You would think that my little asian mother would be thrilled to have a daughter more preoccupied with calculus than dating, but apparently that was not the case.

Remember the post about asian moms not doing so well on topics which are "sexual" in nature? Well, I guess my mom was concerned about the lack of boys calling the house, so she decided to breach the subject the best way she knew how.

Mom: Erin. There are no boys calling the house.

Me: Yes. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.

Mom: ARE YOU A LESBIAN?????

Aaaah yes. The rational conclusion any caring mother would draw. A part of me wishes I'd answered "yes". I'm sure that would have made a much better post.

http://www.zazzle.co.nz/smiley+posters