Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Humbug!

I was racking my brain over some rather Dickensian subject matter.

Me: What was the name of that story with Scrooge and all the Christmas ghosts?

Sister: A Christmas Carol.

Me: Right, right.

Mom: Is that the movie with Bill Crosby?

Umm... not quite.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096061/

I can't tell if she was confusing Bill Murray for Bill Cosby or Sidney Crosby. Either way, she was way off.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Thoughts and Prayers

There is no way I can do another post before I express my deep sympathies for the community of Newton Connecticut.

I can't imagine what those families must be going through right now. Like many people out there, I've had this tragedy on my mind since the moment it broke news.

I hope that the families affected by this extreme act of violence can somehow take solace from all the people around the world who have them in their thoughts and prayers. I also hope that this terrible event ushers in a change for the better to help prevent this from ever happening again.



Thursday, 13 December 2012

The Chinese Martha Stewart

With the holidays nearing, my sister has been keeping herself busy with all things Christmassy. Out of everyone in our family she's definitely the most enthusiastic about Christmas and she's certainly the most likely of us to be on pinterest for such an occasion. I guess you could say she gives Martha Stewart a run for her money.

Earlier this week my family was out for dinner celebrating my brother's birthday. 

Colleen: Check out the Christmas Count-Down I downloaded for my phone.

Me: Uh huh.

Mom: Colleen's just a regular Marthur Steward, isn't she?

Everyone: Hahaha Marthur Steward?

Mom: None of you are allowed to name your kids Marthur! It's another name I can't say!


marthastewart.com

One more name blacklisted...
 

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

12/12/12 @ 12:12

Lookie!

°o°

I know... I'm lame.

The Last Perogy

Wow. So it's 12/12/12 today and I just realized yesterday that it would be the last of it's kind for this millennium. I'm sure that come January 1, 2101 they'll still call it 01/01/01, but it won't be as authentic as these past few years in the 2000s. I'm kind of sad/nostalgic over this whole thing for no discernible reason.

Anyways, to commemorate this "last" I thought I'd share this image of the last perogy in today's post.

My mom was getting too full, but being the good asian she is she decided to save her last perogy for later. My sister found it left out on the table and snapped a pic.

The last perogy of the millennium!


Now I will admit that I'm not one to throw food away, but this is bordering on ridiculous. It's ONE perogy! Are you telling me that you can't manage to eat ONE more perogy?

What I like about this picture is that my mom put the perogy in one of those ceramic chinese dipping sauce bowls. Another thing I like about this picture is that it totally exemplifies a fob's sheer aversion to throwing food away.

But who am I to judge? When I first started dating my gwai lo, I would always finish off his table scraps just because he was going to throw them away. It didn't matter how full I was. I just couldn't stand idly by while he was wasting perfectly good food!

Gwai los...



Thursday, 6 December 2012

Accidental Chinese Hipsters

This post is a shout out to the Accidental Chinese Hipsters blog. It pleases me greatly.

Check it out here: Accidental Chinese Hipsters


I'm trying to inject some love into the blogosphere. Not that I am a huge component of said sphere, but you can imagine if I were... GOOD-BYE day job HELLO measurable amounts of exposure!

For now I think I'll stick with my day job, but you can never have too much love in any case!

Enjoy!


http://accidentalchinesehipsters.tumblr.com/post/23003152486/hey-now-i-want-to-dress-up-like-the-kid-from-the


Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Letters to John

My Sister was watching "Letters to Juliet" one day when it was being aired on TV. She was by herself but then my mom walked into the room...

Mom: *GASP*

My sister looked over at our mother to see what was so gasp-worthy.

Mom: YOU ARE WATCHING LETTERS TO JOHN WITHOUT ME?!?!?

Sister: Ummmm......


Hey at least the two movies she mixed up had the same actress in 'em. I think my mom likes Amanda Seyfried...


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0892318/


Tuesday, 4 December 2012

8888!

I hit 8888 pageviews today! My Chinese ancestors would be proud of me!

It may not be as huge of a number as other blogs whose authors know how to use twitter, and whose subject matter isn't totally racist... but I'll take it!

For you gwai los out there, 8 is the number of choice for most Chinese peeps, while the number 4 will make any legit Chinese person run for the hills! Since I'm not legit, I can live on the 4th floor of my apartment building without fearing for my life. Just don't tell my grandma!




Woot! Much better day than when I hit 4444 views.

General Concern

My mom called me the other day around dinner time. Surprisingly, she didn't ask "Where are you?". Although now that I think about it, it would have been the appropriate context for her to do so. She never asks when it's appropriate, so it's only appropriate that she didn't ask... nevermind.

Mom: Do you want to come to Chili's?

Me: No. I'm still at work.

Mom: Oh perfect! It's the Chili's right by your work! Want me to come get you?

Me: No I'm still working then I'm going out for coffee.

Mom: But your dad is at Chili's.

Me: Not really a selling feature.

Mom: Well where are you going?

Me: Starbucks.

Mom: How are you going to get there?

Me: I'm going to take the bus.

Mom: Which bus are you going to take?

Me: Why do you care?

Mom: Because I care!

Me: I'm not going to die!

Mom: Please don't die. I want to make sure you get there safely!

Me: It's called the internet. I look up where I need to be and when.

Mom: Ok be good.

Why do fobs always remind us fobspring to be good? What could we possibly be up to to warrant this life-long reminder?


Monday, 26 November 2012

The Fob on the Bus Goes YAT YI SAM!

As a self-proclaimed urbanite, I am a staunch supporter of public transit. I myself take public transit to and from work every day. I have a car sitting at home, but I'd rather not start and finish my day with a vein-bursting road-rage sesh. As someone who works in the land development industry, I truly believe that everyone should take public transit, but I digress... that's a post for another blog!

You may already know that my sister is a brutal driver. As a result, she often opts to bus-it if she feels uncomfortable driving somewhere by herself. For anyone who's ever taken public transit, you know there's no shortage of colourful characters to behold on the bus. I myself am treated to this experience daily, and one day in particular my sister had a close encounter of her own.

One day my sister was riding the bus when she noticed a crazy Chinese lady counting out-loud to herself in her seat. "Yat... yi... sam..." She wasn't really paying the crazy lady too much attention, when all of the sudden Crazy McCrazersons comes up to my sister and says "You are showing too much fresh" in her thick Cantonese accent while pointing at my sister's exposed arms. Embarrassed and a little weirded-out, my sister just stared at the lady until she retreated back to her seat. I like to think that this lady was just carrying out her fobly duties to protect young Chinese girls from the dangers of such flagrant displays of arm skin.


http://www.brilliantbeginningspreschoolutah.com/2011/04/w-is-for-wheels-on-bus-with-recycled.html

The fob on the bus goes YAT, YI, SAM! YAT, YI, SAM! YAT, YI, SAM!



Thursday, 15 November 2012

Staying True to My People

Today's post is about yours truly. Enjoy!

Me 'n my gwai lo husband were shopping for noodles at Safeway...

Husband: Should we stay true to your people and get the Ichiban brand?

Me: Number 1: I'm not Japanese. Number 2: If we are staying true to my people we are buying the Safeway brand because it's the cheapest per gram.

If you want to try and convince a Chinese person to spend 9 cents more for a brand name... be my guest.


Monday, 12 November 2012

Stop Eating With Your Left Hand!

This fob memory takes place in a Chinese restaurant at a family gathering of some sort. This was quite some time ago and I don't imagine myself being much older than 15 at this point. Anyways... I was sitting across from my mother when, suddenly, she kicked me from underneath the table. I looked up at her and she looked very angry. I raised my eyebrows as if to ask "what?" and she began to whisper angrily to me.

Mom: Stop eating with your leff han'!

I was definitely eating with my right hand, as I am right-handed, but obviously my mother was tripped-up because we were facing each other, and therefore our left and right were reversed. Being the wonderful daughter that I am, I decided to mess with her.

Me: Why? I need practice.

Mom: No you don't! Stop it, Erin! It's rude!

Me: Why is it rude? I like eating with my left hand.

Mom: Because! Somebody sit next to you and wanna eat with their right han', then they are bumping into you!

Me: I don't care. I like eating with my left hand.

Mom: Oh you are gonna get it later in the car!

So "later in the car" happens, and my mom is yelling at me in front of my dad and siblings. When she was finished ripping me a new one, I pointed out the minor detail that I was, in fact, eating with my right hand, yet somehow kept my mother going for the whole dinner.

Classic family togetherness time.


Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Jeff Who Lives at Home

My mom watched the movie "Jeff Who Lives at Home", and recommended that my sister watch it too. So my sister ordered it on Netflix and told my mother about it.

Sister: I watched that movie.

Mom: What? You mean "Jeff Lives Here"?


http://www.examiner.com/article/june-19-2012-dvd-and-blu-ray-jeff-who-lives-at-home-with-jason-segel


Monday, 5 November 2012

My Mom on Penguins

My mom recently returned from a trip to San Diego where she spent a day at SeaWorld. She was excited to tell my siblings about her trip, but I guess the novelty of seeing exotic wildlife up-close was lost on her.

My Brother: So did you get to see the penguins?

Mom: Yeah I did.

Brother: Oh cool! And?

Mom: I think they are just glorified chickens!

Brother: Haha what?

Mom: They smell bad!

Brother: Ok... well what did you think of the orcas?

Mom: I really liked watching Shampu.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penguin
 
 
 

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

I Don't Have Time for That $hit!

Whenever my mom sees either myself or my sibs log onto facebook, she immediately begins her vulture-like hover towards the computer monitor. Before you know it, she's over your shoulder saying "Hey click on that picture! Who is that? Where are they? Did they get back from their vacation? When did they leave? Did they have a baby? How come you don't see so-and-so anymore? Who are they dating now? Oh my gosh I can see her boobs! What does [insert acronym] mean? Why do they Like? Who are these people I don't know? Where does it say who their parents are?"

Next thing you know she's confiscated your laptop and she is full-on creeping on your facebook. She will literally spend a good 45 minutes in facebook-land until she's had her fill.

Surprisingly, whenever we ask her why she doesn't just get her own account, her response is always "I don't have time for that shit! I'm busy!"

-_-


Friday, 19 October 2012

Pinteresting...

Ok so this post is not about fobs or my mom, but I just really wanted to make a commentary on a website who's concept I simply cannot endorse.

The website I'm talking about is none other than your friendly neighbourhood Pinterest. I guess the concept sounds reasonable enough on paper. You "pin" things from the internet on "boards", if I am not mistaken. People then see the things you've "pinned" and they themselves can "re-pin" the articles which you so lovingly "pinned" in the first place, thus generating an ever-convoluted web of "pins". Sounds pretty good, right?

So I signed up for this Pinterest thing because all my friends were like "OH MY GAH, Pinterest!", but to tell you the truth, I haven't really made it much farther than that. When I see "pins" on my facebook feeds all I can think of is "WTF is the purpose of Pinterest above and beyond what can be accomplished by facebook?" Obviously this Pinterest business is way over my head.

While I may not fully understand Pinterest, I have noticed a certain demographic of Pinterest users emerging from the patterns of precisely placed pins I see on facebook. This may help to explain why I just cannot bring myself to jump on the pin-wagon (aside from being vertically challenged).

Below are a list of the different types of people who, I believe, dominate the world of Pinterest:

  1. Brides
  2. People who cook/bake
  3. People who like to booze
  4. Fashionable people
  5. People who actually try and do their hair and make-up
  6. Interior decorators
  7. Teachers
  8. People with ovaries

Now, while I technically fall into one of the categories listed above (No. 8), I think you need at least two before you can actually know how to navigate their website.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to bad-mouth Pinterest or anything. I'm sure that there must be some form of implicit benefit to "pinning" if jillions of "pinheads" are doing it. I am just stupid, is all. That's probably why I simply don't get it. I guess you could say I'm just not "pinterested"... (no?)


  http://pinterest.com/about/

Now if pinning things could get me discounts on said things then I would be all over that!



Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Dog-sitting

My family recently dog-sat for my in-laws while they were away on a cruise. When I first asked my mother if they would consider dog-sitting, she was a little leery as they had just put in some new flooring. However, the dog is really small and very well-behaved so I convinced her that everything would be fine, and she eventually agreed.

Fast forward to the day after my in-laws return from their vacation and I get a phone call from my mother checking in on the dog:

Mom: How is Misha?

Me: She is good.

Mom: Did she remember her real mommy and daddy?

Me: Yes. She was excited to see them.

Mom: Awe.. did she miss us?

Me: I dunno. I can't say.

Mom: Awe... dad misses her.

Me: I think YOU miss her.

Mom: Yeah I do... I miss her growling face and her begging.

Me: See I told you you would love her.

Mom: I know!

My sister in the background: Yesterday mom was like "STUPID ERIN! SHE SAID WE WOULD LOVE THAT DOG AND WE DID!"





 Here is a picture of the puppy Misha in her Santa hat!




Tuesday, 16 October 2012

SNAFU

My mother was recently trying to recall one of my brother's Halloween costumes from a few years back. After a couple of minutes of description, he knew that she was referring to his Fubar costume but before he could speak she said "You were that guy from Snafu, right?"



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fubarmovie.jpg



Friday, 5 October 2012

Comparing Daughters

Fob parents just can't help but compare their children to one another...

I was mentioning to my mom how my sister, "gogo", is scared to drive because she is so terrible at it. Below is her e-mail back to me. I guess she was trying to find the redeeming points in my sister.





Aw... my mother thinks so highly of me.



Thursday, 27 September 2012

Timberlink and Sanders

This post requires no context:


"Is that Justin Timberlink and Andy Sanders?"


Wednesday, 26 September 2012

How the Tables Have Turned

Last night when I was over at my parents' house for dinner, my fob mother finally got the chance to be on the delivering end of a ridiculing story.

As my mom was about to tell us all what had unfolded earlier that day, my sister interrupted her to say "I just want you all to know that I was over-due for a blonde moment".

So apparently when my mom and sister were in the car my mom pointed out the newly constructed Humane Society as they were driving by. My sister was confused as to why she should take interest so she asked my mom "and why do I care?"

My mom just continued to say that it was a brand new facility and it just got finished being built etc. So my sister then asked "So what? Do the homeless people like it there or something?"

Oh simple little sissy. My mom always enjoys the moments where she can dole out the mockery as opposed to the other way around.

http://www.edmontonhumanesociety.com/



Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Where are u?

My fobby mom can be quite the annoying little lady. One of her evermore irritating habits is asking "Where are u?"

Not only does she ask me ALL THE FREAKING TIME, but she always has a subsequent question which, more often than not, has nothing to do with where I am.

For example, she will ask me "where are u?" and I will say "I'm at home" and then she will say "Are you free for dinner next week?"

I think her obsession over the whereabouts of her children stems from a fob mother's constant fear that her children are hanging out with drug dealers and/or rapists.


 Sometimes I can't help but snap after a while


 ...and sometimes I just ignore her.


 I swear my first words as a baby must've been "Where are u?"


Friday, 21 September 2012

Miew Dat Shit!

My friend Alex was in a promotional ad for NAIT which is a technical school for those of you who don't know. Anyways, my mom always yells at us when we don't immediately mute TV commercials as soon as they come on. Typically when we forget to mute them she reminds us by screaming "MIEW DAT SHIT!" which, when translated to English means "mute that shit".

One day, however, when Alex's commercial popped onto the screen my mom was like "HEY UNMIEW DAT SHIT! I WANNA SEE ALEX!!!!!"

To have my mom unmute the TV mid-commercial was unheard of before that day. Alex should consider that to be a compliment on the highest order! My mom even sat quietly for the entire 30 seconds!

It was a big day.


Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Sometimes My Cousin is a Fob

As a fob, one must uphold a certain level of function over form. For example, a fob would definitely be more concerned about staying warm over worrying whether her over-sized jacket matches her slip-on hiking shoes.



Fact is, fobs don't care if you judge them for their weird behaviour or questionable fashion decisions so long as they're keeping it practical!

My cousin, whom I will call "Jamie" was having troubles with her iPhone shortly after she bought it. When she tried to have a phone conversation, whoever she was talking to couldn't hear her even though she could hear them perfectly fine. Baffled, she took her phone to the Apple store.

There they asked her if she had her volume turned all the way up. She said she did. A few pensive moments later the sales associate realized the issue and proceeded to peel off the temporary plastic screen protector which was covering the receiver. Way to keep it real, Jamie!

If you've ever entered a fob habitat, you've probably noticed the protective plastic covers on all the screens and shiny surfaces. I myself am very guilty of this. Heck, here is a picture of my phone so you can see for yourself. Mine even has a tab on the side for easy removal... like that's ever gonna happen!




And it doesn't matter if the plastic starts to get dirt and dust under it's upturned edges! It's still good!



Tuesday, 18 September 2012

My Mom on Honey Boo Boo

Below is my mom's reaction to a promotional clip she saw on TV for the show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TLC:




"What the frick??? That thing is huge!!!!"




My mom can be a bit judgmental at times.




Friday, 14 September 2012

Baby Bok Choy!

I'll be keeping it light and non-funny for this Friday post. Below is a picture of an adorable little bok choy I that I purchased from the grocery store.

It was so tiny and adorable that I decided to take a picture before eating it.







Thursday, 13 September 2012

Little Blue Riding Hood

Here is a picture of my fobby mom using her hoodie to help dry her pulled-back hair. Notice the wet patch at the back where her ponytail is making contact. She greeted me a the door dressed like this.






I think it's also worth mentioning that she bought that hoodie from gap kids.


Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Take the Money and Run

My mom calls me...

Mom: I wonder when your little brother's first paycheck will come in.

Me: What does he care? He lives at home.

Mom: I care!

Me: Why?

Mom: Cause I wan' his money! Money and run!

You might think she was joking about taking his money... but sadly she was being totally serious. 


http://www.greenbuzzagency.com/can-you-really-make-money-on-linkedin


Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Come Pee on My Pee

As you may already know, many fobs out there have a tough time throwing anything away. My mother is no exception. Not wanting to be wasteful, she tries to incorporate hoarding and conservation into her day-to-day life.

One beautiful summer's day, my parents were returning home from running errands. As they were pulling into our crescent, my dad spotted our neighbours outside. After he pulled onto the driveway, he got out of the car and walked over to say "hello". My mom, on the other hand, got out of the car and ran into the house.

A few minutes into the neighbourly chat, my mom stuck her head out from the garage and proceeded to yell "DAAAAVID! DAAAAAVID! COME PEE ON MY PEE!"

Shocked, my dad turned to the neighbours and said "Uh.... I gotta go now, bye", and hurried back into the house.

Why my mother couldn't wait to flush the toilet... no one will ever know.


http://chosen129.org/2012/06/im-so-embarrassed.html



Sunday, 9 September 2012

I'm Back!

I am happy to report that I am back from a little vacay in San Fran. I will be resuming my normal duties as a foblogger in short order.


 
 
 
 

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

Gotta do the Doo

We were trying to leave the house for a family trip to Jasper and my mom was a little bit obsessed over the whole family going to the washroom before we left...

"Everybody sit down and relax! We should wait till we all need to poo."

"Stop feeding your dad. He's gonna crap!"

"You don't want to eat too much because somebody's going to poo somewhere."

"Marky, go make a doo doo."

"I would much rather go poo here than on the road!"

"Gotta do the doo!"




Friday, 17 August 2012

Shame on You, Bank of Canada!

I recently read a news article, and I must say, I'm really embarrassed to be a Canadian right about now. For a moment there I thought I was back in 1912! You can read the article in all it's glory here.



Martine Warren, an advisor for the Bank of Canada, has a close look at the bank's new $100 bill, Canada's first polymer bank note, in Toronto last November. The original image of the woman scientist on the banknote was altered after focus groups weighed in. (Nathan Denette/Canadian Press)


For those of you who don't want to read the article, it basically says that the Bank of Canada has revised the first draft of their $100 banknote from showing an "asian-looking" scientist to a caucasian scientist due to some negative feedback received from focus groups.

Some of the focus group members felt as though the asian scientist depicted the racial stereotype that asians excel at science and technology. Uuuuh... last time I checked people don't typically take offence to being reminded how they kick-ass at something. Now if the banknote showed a picture of an asian woman driving 30 km/h in a 50 zone then I could maybe see how some people would get a little cheesed.

Another comment made was about the "yellow-brown" colour of the note which "racialized" the bill. Yeah. Just like how the yellow colour of a traffic light really racializes an intersection. I can't believe I've been living my whole life up until now without ever reading into all the racializations that come with yellow-coloured objects. I've always just assumed that the yellow light meant "get the hell out of the intersection!"

The bank also reported that one person in Fredericton (A.K.A. the one place on earth whiter than Ireland) commented on how the asian lady simply doesn't represent Canada. Another person in Montreal (A.K.A. the little-bitch capital of the world) said that if you're going to show one ethnic group then you must show them all.

I think it's important to note at this point that they did NOT set up a focus group in Vancouver (A.K.A. Hong Kong the Sequel). What gives????? And since when do we care about offending white people in this country? Especially the french?! (I can say that because I'm french).

Also, since when do we have room on our doggamn money to show every single ethnicity we have living in Canada? Furthermore, since when did "white" become the catch-all/ "neutral" ethnicity that everyone can identify with? If the goal of the banknote is to portray every Canadian citizen equally, then I propose we depict a tanned, ethnically ambiguous, beer drinking, middle-aged, somewhat chubby androgynous person with a $200,000 mortgage in our bill design. That seems fair, no?

I'm a person of principles. If the bank note started off as a white person, I sincerely doubt anyone would've taken much notice. So why is the situation different because the first draft was an asian-looking lady?

Had the image originally been a white woman, you certainly wouldn't hear me saying "Hey, this image of a white person offends me! Change it to a fun-loving half asian/half white woman scientist eating Doritos. When I drop the dolla billz I wanna feel as though I'm looking into a mirror!"

In the end, the Bank of Canada should not have expected to please everyone with their bill design. What they probably should have expected, though, was the huge public backlash when they promptly caucasianized their banknote in response to the ludicrous criticism from their focus groups. The bottom line is they should have just left well enough alone.

Bank of Canada, I don't know who you are anymore.



Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Blueberrhea

WARNING: GRAPHIC BERRY CONTENT

This post isn't about fobs, but it's about an equally important issue that I want to bring to your attention.

Now that blueberries are in season, I have recently been stricken with BLUEBERRHEA! It was hard to tell my family, but it was quite the wake-up call. I checked myself into a twelve-step program and now I am on the road to recovery.

For those of you who are not trained in the medical field, blueberrhea can be classified as a blue-green tinged diarrhea resulting from the over consumption of blueberries. Most cases of blueberrhea arise from a previously established addiction to blueberries.

Similar conditions include Raspberrhea, Strawberrhea, and the deadly Cherrhea.

If you are experiencing blueberrhea, it is recommended that you find a toilet as soon as possible and stay away from farmer's markets!

Spread the word!





Thursday, 9 August 2012

The Trouble with Russ

This is what happens when my mom communicates with white people and I'm not there to translate. She was talking to my boyfriend at the time, and he was getting quite confused:

Mom: Are you having troubles with russ?

Boyfriend: What?

Mom: Russ? Do you notice russ?

Boyfriend: Who's Russ?

Mom: No. RUSS. Are you noticing russ around your wheel well? I'm getting a little russ on my car.

Boyfriend: OH. Yeah I'm getting a little bit of rust on my wheel well too.


Wednesday, 8 August 2012

SHUT THE F#$% UP!

This is a PG 13 rated post due to the mild language and violent fob content.

A long long time ago, my mother had a glorious moment of insanity which has become a fan favourite in my household.

She was in the kitchen doing the dishes while my sister was in the family room minding her own business and watching TV.

My sister had this folding fan which she was tap, tap, tapping on her TV tray. Being totally enthralled in her TV show, she was all of the sudden startled by my mom who screamed from the kitchen at the top of her lungs: SHUT THE F#$% UP!

Realizing that it was her constant tapping that had our mother so greatly perturbed, my sister immediately put down the fan. She must've been tapping it for like 10 minutes straight without even realizing till my mom snapped!

I can just picture my mother busily scrubbing her wok while growing evermore irritated... being pushed closer and closer to her breaking point... until finally... she cracks!

When the situation calls for it, we throw out our own "SHUT THE F#$% UP!" in our best "mom" voice to remember that legendary indiscretion.

When we bring it up now my mom just laughs as if we aren't talking about her.


Tuesday, 7 August 2012

The Nickname

A couple of months ago I was eagerly anticipating either a niece or a nephew. Around the dinner table, me and my family were discussing baby names.

Me: I like old school names like "Margaret"

Mom: Margaret??? The nickname would be MAGGOT!




http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/picture-galleries/7924099/Creepy-crawlies-Amazing-Scanning-Electron-Microscope-pictures-of-insects-and-spiders.html


Monday, 6 August 2012

Gameshow Fail

Epic Gameshow Fail.






I love how the asian kids aren't phased.


Friday, 3 August 2012

Who Wants Some Drinks?

My mom is a fob. In this post, she was trying to be hospitable during a family dinner. She wasn't using her indoor voice so it made her hospitality EXTRA evident.


Mom: HEY SHUT UP EVERYBODY! WHO WANTS SOME DRINKS???? WHO WANTS SOME DRINKS OF WATER???? WHO WANTS SOME DRINKS OF SOFT DRINKS?????


I love how my mom somehow manages to combine being a good host with being very in-your-face and demanding. I also like how she is speaking in some sort of cryptic prose. Some drinks of soft drinks? I'm intrigued. What happens if I request some drinks of water? Will she bring a bucket over to me and let me get in a few good gulps?





Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Leftover-licious

Take a look at this DUH-LICIOUS plate of food my mom fixed for herself. Actually it's an ancient Chinese recipe which I will share with you today:

Step 1: Get a plate and a big spoon.

Step 2: Open your fridge and reach to the very back. You might need a stool.

Step 3: Indiscriminately grab all the Tupperware containers you can find.

Step 4: Open the containers and scrape off any big chunks of mold, but leave just enough for flavour.

Step 5: Empty the contents of said containers onto your plate using the big spoon. Stir if desired.

Step 6: Put it in the microwave for one minute. That will kill any remaining spores without destroying the delicate flavours.

Step 7: Apply soy sauce to taste and enjoy!






She's even got all the food groups covered: Starch, starch, starch, chicken and powdered cheese.


Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Sometimes My Sister is a Fob

I am laughing to myself over a treasured memory of a tirade my sister went on some time ago. She was ranting about how she does all the chores around the house and how everyone is lazy and takes her for granted. Mid rage, she decided to settle the score by creating a TO-DO list for all the members of the household so as to distribute the work load in what she felt was an equitable manner.

At first glance, the list looked fairly standard. Dad was to take out the garbage; mom was to do the grocery shopping; yada yada yada. But then, a few lines down I read "Brendan will meow the lawn".

After I pointed out her spelling mistake, it was hard for any of us to take her seriously. I initiated the ridiculing and the rest of my family followed suit. No longer able to keep up her "tough guy" appearance, and unable to withstand the constant meowing, she stormed off in a huff. Poor gal.


Monday, 23 July 2012

Reflections on Noodles

I was in a seriously philosophical kind of mood one day...

Me: Mom, why do asians love noodles?

Mom: Because white people have potatoes.

Whoa. That's like... deep.

Friday, 20 July 2012

The Lecture Stance

This is my mom's lecturing stance:



Fobs possess excellent lecturing skills and will try to use any opportunity to either lecture their children, or give them unwanted advice.

This fob in particular likes to lecture her children atop her perch on the stairs. She asserts her dominance by looking down on them as she unleashes her fob fury.

Fobs are also very determined lecturers. Their fobspring may have already matured well into their adulthood, but that still won't stop the mother fob from unleashing her full-fledged fob attack.

As painful as the lectures can be, they play an important roll in the fobspring's development. Many fobspring are happy, successful people as a result of the massive ear hemorrhaging lectures they endured as children. Additional benefits include a gratitude for all the times they got their @$$ whooped instead of getting a lecture... Good times.


Thursday, 19 July 2012

Are You Kidding Me!?

My mom, my sister and I were sitting on the couch watching TV before dinner when my mother got a phone call from my little brother.

Mom: Hello? *pause* WHAT?!?!?!?!

My mom sprang to her feet.

Mom: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

She then ran out of the room. At this point, my sister and I were both perplexed and concerned. It was raining pretty heavily that day, so I thought maybe he had gotten himself stranded somewhere.

Me: I wonder what's wrong. I hope everything's Ok.

Sister: Yeah what the hell's going on?

This was all very dramatic but after a couple of seconds my mom paced back into the room.

Mom: Well can you ask if they can make more chicken? *pause* Ok love you bye. *Click*

Me: What was that all about?

Mom: Safeway ran out of roasted chickens.


Wednesday, 18 July 2012

The Last Supper

Around the dinner table, my mom is going on and on about how the Chinese respect their elders.

Mom: In the Chinese culture, there is a very large importance placed on respect for elders. You always ask the elders, you want to hear their opinions, you always make sure they are happy with everything...

Me: Sure mom.

Mom: Like at the dinner table you will notice that the elders will have the first bite, and that's the way it should be!

Me: Uh-huh.

Mom: The elder should have the first bite because it'll probably be their last.

Me: Uuuh...

I don't think that's quite what she meant but my mom can be a bit morbid at times.


Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Bean Counting Ben

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with my hubby, and I didn't realize it, but I was singing to myself...


Me: cBean counting BEN.... Bean counting BEN.... c


Mark: What the heck song is that?


Me: Oh... it's a song my mom made up about my brother. Come to think of it, I guess it's not really a song because it's just that one lyric over and over again.


Mark: And your brother's name isn't even Ben... and it's not like he really loves money or anything.


Me: Yeah... I never really thought of that. I guess you don't think about these things when you're a stupid kid. I'm gonna call my sister to see if she remembers the song!


I called my sister and put her on speaker phone...


Me: Hey, finish my sentence


Sister: Ok


Me: cBean Counting-c


Sister: cBEN!c


Me: cBean Counting-c


Sister: cBEN!cHaha what made you think of Brendan's song?


Me: Mark caught me singing it to myself.


Sister: I forgot about that terrible song!


Monday, 16 July 2012

Jay Ma-DOW-yun

My mom calls me...

Mom: I got you a jay ma-DOW-yun.

Me: Ok... what's that?

Mom: It's jay. A ma-dow-yun of jay.

Me: Jade?

Mom: Yes

Me: A jade ma-DOW-yun?

Mom: Yes

Me: Ok now what's a ma-DOW-yun?

Mom: You know, like a biscuit.

Me: What??? Now you've really lost me.

Mom: It's a ma-dow-yun made of jay. What's there to be loss about?

Me: Oh a JADE MEDALLION!

Mom: Ya... a jay ma-DOW-yun


Tuesday, 10 July 2012

New Wok

A couple of years ago when I was moving out of my parents' house, I asked my mom where I should go to buy a good wok. My mom couldn't remember where she got her crusty old wok from, so she said she'd ask my grandma for a good place to look.

In my mind, I was almost certain my grandma would recommend some "best kept secret" type place in Chinatown that only super legit Chinese people would know about. So naturally, I would become super cool and legit once I got my hands on one of their woks.

Suddenly, I was starting to get very excited to hear of this secret shop where, surely, no gwai los have been before.

After my mom had spoken to my grandma, I was eager to get the lowdown on the sweet spot:


Mom: I talk to por por about where to buy a good wok.

Me: And? Where did she say to go?

Mom: Por por says Zellers is really good for woks!

Me: Oh....

For those of you non-Canadian readers, Zellers is a large discount store like Wal-mart.

So now I guess the ancient Chinese secret is out for all to know!



Monday, 9 July 2012

Dona

This post is about my friend Caroline's fobby Filipino mom.

One day when they were at the grocery store, Caroline's mom was looking for some tuna. They looked all around the store but couldn't find any. Finally, they spotted an employee and went up to see if he couldn't help them out.

Caroline's Mom: Excuse me, where is your dona?

Employee: Pardon me?

Caroline's Mom: Dona. Where is your dona?

Employee: Ummm... the donuts are over there.

Caroline's Mom: No... DO-NA

Frustrated, she turned to her daughter for help, but Caroline decided it would be best to sit this one out.

Thanks Caroline!



Thursday, 5 July 2012

Asian Driver

My fobby mom isn't your typical asian driver. Yes, she drives erratically, and yes she never knows where she's going, but slow she is not.

One day when my mother was driving me to school, we were stuck behind this EXTREMELY slow green Subaru in our neighbourhood. Unable to go around him, my mom began freaking out and road raging. Her go-to phrases in such situations are "GET OFF THE ROW!" and "GET LOSS YOU DIRK!"

Anyways, when the road opened up to two lanes, my mom quickly put her lead foot to use and sped past the green car. As we were passing, my mom shot a nasty look to the driver of the Subaru and made the following observation:



Mom: AAAAAASIAAAAAN..... white people gonna be freakin' out!


Oh mother.... you are so adorable when you rage.



Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Turpentine Belt

My mom was complaining about some weird noises her car was making. She took it to the mechanic and called me afterwards.

Me: So did they figure out what was wrong with the car?

Mom: They said the turpentine belt needs to be tightened.






I hear turpents make wonderful classroom pets...

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

The Exercise Lady

This is a picture of my mom hanging out with my brother in his work-out room. She's obviously decked out in her work-out gear: slippers, pj's and vest.




It looks like she's really feeling the burn!

Monday, 2 July 2012

The Little Asians

This is just a funny video I saw on Tosh.0. It's sort of related to asians. The little ones in particular.





I hope everyone had a Happy Canada Day!




Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Gravel Road Blues

I don't much care for the great outdoors. I've been that way ever since I can remember.

Nevertheless, when I was a kid, my parents somehow managed to ship me off to summer camp every year, despite my ever-persistent objection.

I would tell my parents I didn't like the food; I didn't like the bugs; I got diarrhea last time. I told them about the mean kids from the year before who teased me about being short. I told them about the time I peed my pants because the outhouses were locked at night. But did they hear me out? Not a chance!

Every year I got the same patronizing speech about how it was "every child's dream" to go to summer camp, and that I should be "grateful" for the opportunity to sleep in a dirty log cabin with ten other prepubescent girls.

Needless to say, the drive down to camp became somewhat of a dark harbinger in my otherwise happy childhood. Though, one year in particular proved to be quite eventful.

My mother and I were driving down the gravel road that led up to my summer camp. We were in the final leg of our journey when, all of the sudden, we spun out in our little Acura and drove right into the ditch. We were fine but my mom was quite rattled.

Unfortunately, we made it to the hell-hole which I call summer camp, and my mother told me to try and enjoy myself.  

After what seemed like an eternity, summer camp was over and my mom was back to pick me up. I eagerly hopped into the front seat of our car and the following conversation ensued:

Mom: Erin, go sit in the back.

Me: Ok

Mom: Here is a pillow for you

Me: Thanks.

At this point, I just thought my mother was being uncharacteristically considerate, and was encouraging me to take a nap on our drive home...

Mom: If we get into another car accident, take the pillow and put it around your head!


Aaah... now there's the mother I remember!


Monday, 25 June 2012

Fat Booth

Here is a picture of my mom from fat booth:


 When I showed her she was like "Hahaha! I look like Professor Nutty!"









Friday, 22 June 2012

Which Church?

My mom really likes to stock up on cold weather wear like mittens, jackets, tuques and scarves. I guess this would've worked with three young children in the house, but now that we're all grown we tend just to buy our own stuff. Still, my mom has yet to curb her habit of jumping on winter sales whenever she sees 'em.

Every now and again, my siblings and I secretly comb through the stash of unworn winter wear and donate selected items behind our mother's back. Up until recently, my mom was completely in the dark about our back door charity op.

One day I was bugging my mom about a box of shoes in the garage which she refused to get rid of.

Me: Mom, you clearly don't wear any of these shoes, so you either need to donate them, or stop buying new shoes.

Mom: I will wear them one day!

Me: No you won't! They've been in the garage for 5 years! I bet you don't even know what's in there, and you wouldn't even notice if I got rid of them and never told you!

Mom: Yes I would notice! I know what is in my house and I know what belongs to me!

Me: Well you certainly didn't notice the big donation of gloves and tuques we made!

Mom: WHAT?!?!? WHAT DID YOU GIVE AWAY?!?!?!?

Me: See, you don't even know what went missing! Proof that it's better off being used by someone else!

Mom: WHERE DID YOU GIVE ALL OUR STUFF?!?!?

I didn't want to tell my mom we had made the donation to Goodwill because one time she literally made us go back to Goodwill to retrieve a previously donated item.... I know right?!

I thought that lying to her would be the best way to keep her from wanting to get her stuff back.



Me: I donated them to a church.

Mom: *fuming* ....... WHICH. CHURCH.


Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Fobby Food

This post is a compilation of a few stories about my mom's special relationship with food.

Two Pots of Rice:

If you were to walk into my parents' house right this very instant, you would see two pots of rice on the stove; an old pot and a fresh pot. The old pot is typically whatever didn't get eaten the day before, or the day before that. The fresh pot is usually no more than a day old.

Since the "two pot" phenomenon arose as a result of my mom's inability to throw away food, she is solely responsible for eating the old rice, and is strictly forbidden from eating the fresh rice.

However, every now and again we catch her trying to sneak the old rice into my dad's lunch. Nice try, buster!


Mommy's Ham:

Old rice isn't the only thing my mom sneaks into my dad's diet. One time, she was making macaroni and cheese for herself and my father. She cut up some of "her ham" and deliberately mixed it in with the macaroni and served some to my dad.

After a couple hours, my dad started to feel a little sick. It didn't take long before the hints of indigestion turned into a full blown gwai lo diarrhea attack!

We busted our mom for sneaking her rotten ham into my dad's macaroni, but ultimately it was my dad who paid the price.


Digging into the Archives:

A couple of years ago my family and I were "de-frogging" our freezer and as we were emptying its contents we found some meats in there from the late 90s.

As we began tossing the ancient meat, my mom began her full-scale fob protest.

Despite the fact that my mom could probably pound back a few 15 year old bison burgers without even triggering her gag reflex, we had a sneaking suspicion that the old meat would probably just get forgotten in the freezer for another 15 years. So we decided to put our foot down and stand up to our little mother.

Still, she wasn't going down without a fight. My little brother had to literally restrain our 95 lb mother as my sister and I chucked the frozen meat. Sorry mom :)


My mom's prefered use of free return address labels

Click on the picture to read what she wrote!


Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Do You Have a Fob in the House?

Do you think you have a fob living in your house? Are you unsure? How would you know if you did?

In today's post I will be helping you identify some key signs that you may have a fob living in your midst. I have taken pictures from inside a REAL fob habitat to help you know what to look for.


1.
 














Let's start with an obvious one: the T&T plastic grocery bags. If you see lots of these mofos around the house, chances are you've got a fob on your hands.



2.
Thousand Year Old Duck Eggs. No fob household goes without.




3.
Unnecessary note indicating whether the dishwasher has been run, which is always left on the fridge.




4.
Plentiful Tsu Tsing Yat Ding or Gong Jai Mein.



5.
Bamboo shoots and what appears to be canned shrimp. 




6.
An entire closet full of school supplies. A lifetime of school supplies can come in handy... NEVER.



7.
Shit-packed freezer. It is important for fobs to keep freezer burnt ham at the bottom of the freezer so he/she can reach the items at the top.




8.
Box of receipts. To be kept, but never to be touched.




9.
Miss-matched bedding. Who needs matching bedding? Everything in a fob household stays in-style FOREVER! 




10.
Nowhere to sit. Junk is too important.




11.
Various assortment of junk on the bedside table. Notice the SanDisk and miscellany in the ziploc bag, the no-name ointment, and the hello kitty drawstring bag. 




12.
A shit-packed armoir / A sweater for any occasion. 




13.
An easter basket holding a lampshade.... or is it a lampshade holding an easter basket? 




14.
The ever important Susan Boyle CD.




15.
Rubber bands where you'd least expect... 




16.
"Mom, where did I leave the nail clippers, multi-colour ballpoint pen,
broken pencil and miniature screw-driver?"

"Did you check in the crystal swan????"

"Oh right! DUH!"




17.
Corner clutter. A fob household with clutter pushed into the corner or stacked in piles
against the wall is a tidy fob household indeed. 




18.
Slippers.




19.
Slippers.... 




20.
Slippers.... 




21.
And more slippers.... 




22.
Other people's slippers...




23.
Oh and if none of those were a dead giveaway, the crazy lady stirring the Crystal Light in a Campbells soup mug with a chopstick calling you an "IDIOT" will do the trick.