Thursday, 31 May 2012

Crimestopper Mom

Last Labour Day long weekend my sister arose to a frightening scene at the fob-household.

Her bedroom just so happens to be right above the garage, and this particular night she was awoken by the sound of the garage door opening. Being half-asleep, she didn't really realize that everyone in the household was accounted for and therefore no one should be coming in at this hour.

Moments later she heard my mom screaming "HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???"

Now fully awake, my sister peered out her bedroom window to see a man riding off on a bicycle. A couple of seconds later, she saw my mother pull out of the garage behind him in hot pursuit.

Panicking, my sister ran downstairs to wake our little brother. "Wang, wake up! I think someone was in the garage and now mom is gone!"

They ran upstairs to survey the state of the garage. Nothing seemed to be missing other than the car my mom was undoubtedly using to commit vehicular homicide right that very second.

They waited up for a few minutes, and finally my mom drove back into the cul-de-sac.

Sister: What happened???

Mom: He got away. He was trying to steal from the car but I scared him!

Sister: What did he look like?

Mom: Some white guy. Late 20s? He was riding very causally until he realize I was chasing him! He tried to lose me but I kep’ chasing him!

Sister: Did you hit him?

Mom: No, I wanted to! But I don't want to go to jail so I let him get away. I think I made him shit his pants though!

Soon after the three of them began taking an inventory of the garage, and the contents of all the cars. They noticed that the garage door clicker in my brother's car was missing, so my brother had obviously left his doors unlocked on the driveway, giving the burglar a free pass into the garage.

The thief had managed to steal an empty Elton John CD case, but he left my brother's Monster cable still plugged into the cigarette lighter. This burglar obviously knew what he was doing.

We later discovered that he had also stolen a pair of $10 sunglasses. Our house must’ve been a big pay day for him!

Anyways, my siblings headed back to their bedrooms to try to fall back asleep. My mom on the other hand, stayed up an extra HOUR staked-out at the front window waiting to see if the perp would return… as if her police style chase down wasn't enough.

Nice one mom!

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Linked In

Ok so this post is really immature and has nothing to do with fobs, but when I saw this I laughed JUST a gigglebyte.

I was searching for someone on Linkedin, and noticed the odd example name used below the search bars:

I know... low brow! But what can I say? I'm easily amused!

And I know that it's pronounced "whiner", but I'm still the type of person who hears "your anus" in my head every time I read "Uranus".

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Let Us Out!

This is a tale of a family vacation gone WRONG.

This past winter, my parents and siblings went on a family vacay to Florida to visit family and go to Disney World. I didn't go because I was smart enough to opt out of this disaster-in-the-making. In fact, the last family holiday I participated in was when I was twelve! Wow... I must've been a fast learner! My intellectually inferior siblings, however, were really looking forward to getting away and seeing some sites.

One of the days they were there, it was decided that my dad and brother were going to walk on the beach while my mom and sister did some shopping. They pulled up to the beach in their rental Jetta where my dad and brother quickly hopped out, but my sister and mother were still in the car collecting their things.

My dad likes to do this thing where he locks the car door if he thinks you're dilly dallying. It's his grumpy old way to protest such flagrant dillery and dallery. We are all very familiar with this grumpy behaviour, and you would think that my mom would know this all too well having been married to the guy for 26 years.

However, mere milliseconds after hearing the car doors *click* my mom began freaking out and pounding on the windows yelling "LET US OUT!!!!!!! LET US OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!"

Obviously the simple solution of unlocking the doors eluded her.

In utter shock, my sister could not help but watch as my mother quickly caught the attention of passersby walking along the beach. I don't really know what they would've made of a tiny asian lady clawing for her life inside a shiny new Jetta.

While trying to hide her face, my sister saw my dad approaching out of the corner of her eye. Surely our beloved mother would "clam" down since her captor was returning to release her from her vehicular confinement. But against all rational though, she instead proceeded to yell at my dad in front of the crowd of people now gathered around the car. "WHAT THE EFF ARE YOU DOING??!?!?!?! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US??!!?!? YOU WERE GONNA SUFFOCATE US!!!!!!!!!"

I guess when my mom was freed the thought never occurred to her that she should probably be slightly embarrassed that she didn't think to unlock the door and let herself out. No… it just made more sense to rage in public.

At that moment, my little brother knew full-well that it was not going to be a good day, so he just kept on a-walkin' down the street to make sure he wasn't seen with our dysfunctional family unit.

Embarrassment is a common theme in mine and my siblings’ lives, but it’s all worth it in the end. Especially when we can make fun of our mom for getting locked in a car, and fighting desperately to save her and her daughter from imminent doom!

Monday, 28 May 2012

Average Asian Aging

Someone showed this to me over the weekend. It's so true!

I hope my asian genes keep me good till menopause. However, I must admit I'm looking forward to the permed hair, fleece jacket and wheelie grocery bag!

Not too long ago, my mom did her after-degree in Education, and her practicum was with a grade 1 class. One of the little girls in the class invited my mom to her birthday party, and this is what my mom had to say:

Mom: Oh thank you for inviting me, but I think you should invite kids your own age.

Girl: You're right. You're really old.

Mom: *mildly offended* Well how old do you think I am?

Girl: I don't know... about Sixteen?

My mom definitely doesn't look 16, but that still made her day.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Elevator Puke

One of my earliest memories takes me back to one particular Halloween at day care. I remember stealing candy from the other kids at the day care and eating myself into a sucrose coma. The day care ladies had to set me up with a blue mat in the corner of the room because I was so incapacitated.

Later on that day my mom came to pick me up but she needed to go back into the office for something. When we got to the elevator in her building I remember telling her that I didn't want to go inside because I felt like I was going to puke. My mom quickly dismissed my warning and yanked me into the elevator where I proceeded to puke my guts out as soon as the elevator started its ascent.

Last weekend I was re-living that cherished childhood memory with my mom.

Me: Hey mom, remember when I puked in the elevator at your office that one Halloween?

Mom: Yes. You ate too much candy.

Me: I vividly remember the janitor coming over with his trolley of cleaning supplies, but you stopped him and said "Let me clean it up. It's my kid". Then you cleaned up my barf like a good mom.

Mom: Well I felt bad. I didn't want him cleaning up your barf. Besides, he was Chinese!

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

My Porish Guy

I hope everyone had a nice Victoria Day long weekend! I know I sure did.

Anyways, let's shake off the cob webs with a fob memory.

When I first started dating my now husband, my mom was asking me some questions to try and fulfill her daily quota of snoopiness. "Where does he live? Where did you meet? How old is he? What do his parents do? Does he have a car?"

I'm used to the 20 questions, but I could not help but laugh at my fobby mom when she asked me one question in particular...

Mom: What's his last name?

Me: Gawlinski

Mom: How do you spell? G-O-R...

Me: Hahaha oh dear god.

Not only did my mom fulfill her quota for snoopiness, but she also fulfilled her quota for reaffirming fob stereotypes. Although, I'm sure Gorinski is a wonderful polish name.

Thursday, 17 May 2012


I love Christmas. Like any other materialistic North American, I love most everything about Christmas. I love the stupid decorations, the movies on TV, the snow, the family traditions, the food. I love it all. Now some of you may be thinking "she forgot to mention presents". Well you see, around my house my mom never over-exerted herself in the presents department. I'm not saying I feel like I missed out or that I'm not grateful for the presents I did receive, but I definitely don't consider the gift-exchange to be a highlight of my Holiday season. Even Santa was never really a big part of the appeal of Christmas. My mom never really put a lot of effort into the whole "Santa is real" thing.

One time when I was about 7 or so, I asked my mom straight up if Santa was real. I'd heard on the playground from an older kid that Santa was a sham. Instead of dispelling my doubts, my loving mother didn't even flinch when she replied "Nope". Don't feel bad though. I had already questioned his existence when my mom told me that Santa comes into our house at night through the furnace.

Anyways, as I've mentioned before my mom kind of sucks at the giving/receiving of gifts in the proper North American sense. You would think that her natural aversion to gifts would make her shy away from the concept of stocking stuffers, but surprisingly my mom has fully embraced the idea. Stocking stuffers were never a childhood staple of mine, but when she discovered the concept a few years ago she was hooked! I guess it mixes her love for tiny articles of miscellaneous junk with her love for stowing items in inappropriate containers.

Last Christmas, my mom proudly presented her children with the stocking stuffers she had lovingly prepared. She watched as I began to dig out the contents of my stocking:

Me: Oooh... lip balm...

Mom: I got that from Dollarama

Me: ... and a giant candy cane...

Mom: I got that from Dollarama too.

Me: Mom, why did you cut out the corners of the packing where it clearly says "DOLLARAMA" judging from the remaining halves of the letters? You're telling us you got bought 'em from Dollarama anyways.

Mom: Because, Erin! I don't want you to see the price!

Me: But isn't everything at the dollar store a dollar?

Mom: NO! Now things is TWO dollars!

My mom has yet to master the concept of concealing the price of a gift.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Like We'd Eat That

Check out the container of food my mom has labeled as her own. I guess she's just being proactive about preventing her children from stealing her delicious tripe!

She even disguised her tripe by putting it in a container of blueberry yogurt. Clever! And is that... painter's tape? How resourceful!

Tuesday, 15 May 2012


My mom, like many fob mothers out there, suffers from an affliction known in the medical community as TAS or "Tiny Asian Syndrome". As of now, there is no known cure for TAS, and doctors have only recently been able to understand and diagnose it. However, new research has been shining some light onto the previously unknown condition. Below is a list of characteristics used to diagnose patients with TAS:

  • Subject weighs no more than 100 lbs
  • Wears shoes with thick soles to increase height
  • Has a tiny back-pack or sling purse to appear relatively larger
  • Uses a change purse to carry coins and rolled up bills due to overcrowded wallet
  • Only understands shame in the context of their children embarrassing them, not the other way around.
  • Wears glasses/uses clip-ons
  • Wears a vest all year round for reasons unknown to humanity
  • Speaks loudly and has no indoor-voice
  • Has long, stabby nails

As stated previously, the distinguishing vest continues to perplex scientists around the world. There is some speculation that fobs suffering from TAS have cold bodies and hot arms, but this has yet to be substantiated through research.

If you would like more information on TAS, please call the TAS hotline at 1-800-YOU-RTINY.

Pictured above is a subject with full-blown T.A.S.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Innovative Ketchup Bottle

My mom is a part-time inventor. Yesterday when I was over at the house for mother's day, I saw that she had she come up with a unique ketchup bottle design.

If she markets it correctly she could make millions!

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Fob Roll

My mom was on fire last night at dinner. Here are some random highlights from the conversations we had:

Me: Mom, where did you get this shrimp from?

Mom: Ginatown

Me: Ginatown? Hahaha!

Mom: Yeah, that's what it's called.


Me: What kind of animal is in lap cheong?

Mom: Some is chickens and some is porks. Some is lambs.


Me: Are you thinking about going on an Alaskan Cruise?

Mom: I'd rather be on a Herwaiian Cruise


My mom was starting to feel full...

Mom: I'm stuff!


Mom: By all means! Fill your nuts! I mean your boots!


My sister went into the kitchen and you could hear that she dropped something. My mom proceeded to freak out before she even knew what was going on.


Thursday, 10 May 2012

I Don't Want to Turn Around!

We all know my mom can be quite the confusing lady. The other day during a family dinner, my mom was looking at an old family photo from before my sister was born. She turned to my sister and looked her straight in the eye.

Mom: You were about 27 then, right?

Sister: What? I'm not even in that picture, and I'm not even 27 yet.

Mom: Not you, you idiot! Your dad!

Sister: Haha but you were looking straight at me!

Mom: Yeah but I was talkin' to your dad!

Sister: Then why didn't you look at dad?

Mom: Because he's standing behind me! I don't want to turn all the way around!

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Are You...?

This story is ripped straight from the history books of yours truly. In the not-so distant past, I used to have REALLY REALLY bad skin. Imagine the most horrific thing you've ever seen, then  put eyes on it, and that's what my face used to look like. Many people who didn't know me back then don't believe that it was as bad as I describe, but I can assure you it was bad. I was like a teenage mutant ninja turtle, only minus the turtle and the ninja. Needless to say, I didn't exactly have boys banging down the door to my boudoir.

Anywho, I decided to take the oriental approach to adolescence, and focus more on my studies than boys. You would think that my little asian mother would be thrilled to have a daughter more preoccupied with calculus than dating, but apparently that was not the case.

Remember the post about asian moms not doing so well on topics which are "sexual" in nature? Well, I guess my mom was concerned about the lack of boys calling the house, so she decided to breach the subject the best way she knew how.

Mom: Erin. There are no boys calling the house.

Me: Yes. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.


Aaaah yes. The rational conclusion any caring mother would draw. A part of me wishes I'd answered "yes". I'm sure that would have made a much better post.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

My Mom on the Costa Concordia

We are discussing the Costa Concordia at the dinner table and my mother decides to give her two cents:

Mom: When you see the Captain dishing the ship, that's your clue to leave! Hahaha!

Me: DISHing the ship? *everyone starts laughing at my mom*

Mom: *trying extra hard to say ditch* DISSHHH.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Only in Chinatown

One day my mom and I were in Chinatown to shop for a cheongsam for my wedding. If you're wondering what a cheongsam is, it's just the traditional Chinese dress worn on special occasions. I can guarantee you've seen 'em before.

At the first store we visited, I saw a cute one that looked about my size, so I pulled it down to look at the tag. Normally I'm a small, so I was a bit surprised to see that it was an extra-large. I figured it was just a child size so I asked the lady at the store if I could try it on.

I was directed to the change room, which was basically a herb pantry, and began to pull the dress over my head. As I'm pulling the dress down, it would not even remotely entertain the idea of making it's way over my shoulders, so I popped it off before getting stuck and went back into the store.

The sales lady gave me another dress and I took a look at the tag. XXL this time! I went back into the herb pantry and decided to step into the dress, which is typically not a problem for me as I have the lower body of a 13 year old boy. I managed to get the dress up to the bottom of my butt, but the darn thing would not budge from there. By this time, I was thoroughly perplexed, but I stepped out of the dress and I threw it over my head for round two. When the dress hit the top of my hips I couldn't pull it any farther. By THIS time I was feeling a little bit less like a 13 year old boy, and a bit more like Kim Kardashian.

Defeated, I headed back into the store where the sales lady handed me yet another XXL of a different style. I tried it on like the other two, but this time I was actually able to get it over my huge ass!

I walked out into the store so my mom and the sales lady could have a look. Immediately, the sales lady began laughing as she pointed to my butt to proclaim that my "pet pet" was too big. All the while my mom was standing there with her arms crossed agreeing with her: "hai la hai la". They began spinning me around and discussing all the ways they could alter the dress to make my butt and boobs look smaller so I wouldn't look so fat.

In my mind, I was just imagining being in a dress store at the mall. What if I was fully white, the sales lady was white, and my mom was white? What if I was buying a dress for prom and the sales lady was like "Oh, dear. Your daughter's ass is just WAY too big for that dress. Let me just see if I can't make her look less fat than the fat mess she is!" "Oh yes, please do. See what can be done to accommodate my daughters huge ass and rolls. Thanks."

The Chinese kid inside of me was all too familiar with this scene, but the white kid in me could not help but appreciate the hilarity of the little Chinese fingers stabbing away at my big pet pet.

Only in Chinatown...

Friday, 4 May 2012

You say NO!

As a fobspring, I don't know if I got the conventional "sex talk" so much as I got the life-long indoctrination that "being skank" is bad, and "finish school" or "become doctor" is good. Fobs typically don't handle this "sex" topic very well, but what they lack in sensitivity, they make up for in humiliation...your humiliation that is.

One day when my sister was in junior high she had a sex-ed presentation at school. At the end of the presentation, the facilitator handed out condoms to each of the students.

Later on at home, my sister reached into her pocket and pulled out the condom she had almost forgotten about and placed it on her bookshelf. Not really thinking about it too much, she went on with her day.

In traditional fobby fashion, my snoopy fob mother was making her rounds through the house when she spotted the condom left in plain view on my little sister's bookshelf. She immediately began her ritualistic fob-mom freak out.

Mom: COLLEEEEEEEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colleen: What???

Mom: GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colleen: What's wrong?

Mom: CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THIIIIIIS????? *holds out the condom*

Colleen: Oh, we had sex-ed at school today.

Now for any normal, say, white parent, that would be a sufficient explanation as to why a 12 year old girl would leave a condom out on her bookshelf. Evidently, that wasn't explanation enough for my mom...


Colleen: I didn't ask. They gave them out to everybody.

Again, this would probably be good enough for most reasonable people.


Colleen: Look, I just put it in my pocket and forgot that it was there. I wasn't trying to hide it or anything. I was going to throw it in the garbage, but I never got around to it.


After that, my mortified sister came to me and asked for my assistance in quelling our raging mother. At our house, I was the only one who was willing to go toe-to-toe with the big FOBster. To this day I still get texts from my sister saying "Please call the house. Mom is being crazy"

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Sour Milk

Having immigrated from Hong Kong, my mother has been blessed with an iron stomach. Now that's not to say she has taste buds of steel, but that's a post for another day.

Anyways, my mom has been known to eat her fair share of food that has been left to linger well past it's best-before date. Actually, she puts up a big fight when we want to throw something away. Quite often, she'll beg us to spare her putrid food, and she'll protect it by labeling the container "Mom's".

Over time, we've coined a term for the forgotten items in the back of the fridge. We lovingly refer to these consumables as "mom's rottens". Every now and again you'll see a note on the fridge saying "Mom, please eat your rottens by Saturday".

The other week, my brother found a carton of chocolate milk that had been left to expire in the basement fridge. He brought it up for my sister to smell.

Brother: Hey, smell this milk. Someone left it downstairs.

Sister: Ewww nasty!

Brother: Should we leave it for mom?

Sister: Sure.

Later on that day, my sister pointed out the expired chocolate milk that had recently been transplanted to the upstairs fridge.

Sister: Mom, someone left the chocolate milk downstairs and it's expired now.

Mom: OOOOH! Mochaccinos for mommy!

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

My Mom on the Chinese Zodiac

I heard somewhere that the rat was the best animal in the Chinese Zodiac. I thought that was quite the bizarre animal to make "Best Animal on the Zodiac", so I mentioned it to my mother to gather her thoughts.

Me: Mom, I heard that the rat is the best animal on the Zodiac.

Mom: That's not true.

Me: Well that's just what I heard.

Mom: Well I'M the Chinese one and I say Dragon is the bess because everybody wants to be a Dragon!


She's right... everybody DOES want to be a Dragon! Now if that isn't flawless logic I don't know what is.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Points for Presentation

As I've stated before, FOBs are an industrious people with a reputation for using unconventional materials to carry out their desired tasks...

When my husband and I first started dating, my mom needed a letter notarised. She knew my boyfriend's dad was a lawyer, so she saw an opportunity to not only get her letter notarised, but to also meet one of my boyfriend's parents. She made an appointment to see him, and on the day of her appointment, I was over at my boyfriend's house for dinner.

Me: So did my mom come into your office today?

Mr. G: She did.

Me: And how did it go?

Mr. G: I got her letter notarised and she stayed for a little while to chat. You know, I think she is the nicest lady I've ever met.

Me: Yep. She's definitely friendly! So she didn't do anything embarrassing or weird, did she?

Mr. G: No. Well actually... she came into my office carrying this big garbage bag. At first, I wondered what she was doing with it, but then she pulled out two tins of Tim Horton's coffee and hot chocolate as a gift.

Me: Sounds like my mom!

I can just imagine my tiny asian mother entering a nice downtown office building with her garbage bag in tow. I'm sure the security guards were placed on high alert.